Hey yall.
If you know me, you'll know that I have a relatively dead love life. In SG, it wasn't that uncommon. Everyone stayed single. (Not sure about now though)
So the girls in softball nowadays ask me about my love life. And I have no answer. And guess what, that actually led to me being here.
Everyone can lie about how everyone is beautiful and how people accept you no matter how you are but in the end, the results speak the loudest. I don't even know why people seem to be afraid of me or go away from me. I really haven't done anything to them. My mother tells me that my face just looks angry/scary half the time, so I guess that's why. But honestly, the other half of the time, I just find the people so stupid and irritating so I guess that's a problem too.
But back to the reason why I'm sad/scared. I'm not like super sad though. Because I'm just not happy. It's an odd empty feeling.
So I read about this one syndrome that makes you feel no love for anyone. It scares me to think I might have that. Because for such a long time, I haven't feel an ounce of love for a guy. Even to family, I don't have that kind of love feeling I guess. I don't know what it is supposed to feel like for family. But I do know that I would be distraught and worried sick if anything happened to them.
Then the other thing to be sad about is that I've given up. Many times people quote stuff about love, I quote about friendship. I don't know how much I meant to you, but I do know that many of you don't know how much you meant to me. I really, really loved spending time we some of you and I'm desperately trying to keep in contact with many of you, because some of you have already disappeared and gone without a trace. But it is absolutely tiring to be the only one trying. It's not like I'm completely alone here, but you will always hold a special place in my heart. You have no idea how awkward it is to participate in a conversation when you have nothing you understand or connect to. At this point, I bet many people had thought to themselves, "Well don't do that then." Then it would result in them leaving. I know, some might say again, "If people really care, they wouldn't leave." True, I must say. But if no one initiates, everything ends right there. Honestly, I guess it's just time for me to stop. I have to let go. What do I expect? For everything to remain the same as before? No way that can happen.
You know how most shows involve people who have lifetime friends who've always been together? My dreams for that shattered twice. First when I was in p2 and I was the only person from 1/5 to go to 3/8, and when I moved. I bet one day I'll be all alone, no true loyal and caring friend, nor a guy to love me. It's easy to say and think of solutions, but honestly, I don't think I can pull it off because my confidence level has been shot down to the absolute zero, by various things.
When I say I'll be forever alone, I mean it 80%.
I know it's my fault, but loveless I shall remain due to my cowardice.
Sorry if I seem creepy.
-Sherlyn
