It hurts when your insecurities are confirmed

It has been 3 years since I've left Singapore.

And I know very well that that's a very long and substantial time away.

I have already lost contact with many people because it's super hard to keep talking.

It really is the weird type of conversations to have. It's the kind where you are both conversing, but no actual feelings are conveyed. As I've said before, it's easy to lie with a text message. But although subtle, I can tell some people have long long interest in speaking to me. Shorter replies and messages left unanswered. Yeah, I get it. I really do. I know these are the hints. I know I should stop. 

Now, it's not like I don't have any friends here, but I really regarded many of you as my closest or even best friends. I like how shallow one side of the relationship was. Of course this is not for everyone, but for many. I am legitimately in tears now because I really appreciated and treasured what we had. I'm sure you've moved on with better people to spend time with and I'm happy for you. It's good that you've found a better time. And none of this is sarcasm.

All I can say is that, I feel no anger, but pure sadness. 

It makes me really sad that what I've always feared has finally embodied into truth. My sentimental ways are definitely not beneficial to my emotions and I really have to learn to let go. I can't expect everyone to love and remember all these moments we had. People have better things to do and remember. Their lives are more important now. They are really doing the right thing by moving on. 

I have but I guess I still have so much that I'm holding back because I really appreciated what we had. I guess what I have now isn't as good as what I did. I'm really sad half the time I'm here. Alot of things went downhill. I feel at times, now is when I feel the most insecure, the most lonely, the most outcasted and most unbelonging. 

I feel like a disgusting person. I really do. I can feel how ungrateful I am. I can also feel how greedy I am as well. Not to mention how self-pitying I'm being. However, I feel like I spend so much time in my head...just thinking about insignificant things. I find myself reminiscing about old times, thinking about some small new fun thing in the future that leads to my current friends to ask me "Wow , you've even thought about that?"

I'm sorry but my life isn't as beautiful and colourful as yours will be. I don't really have anything or anyone that special for me to spend it with. Even if I do, they are always just little to far for us to enjoy each other's company. I don't know how my life will be. I don't know if I can make some life friends. I don't know if anyone even regards me as someone they would go the length for. I don't know if anyone else would love me or if I could appreciate anyone else. I feel so unfeeling at this point. My parents always tell me that I wear a "black face" and tell me that it's very kiampa. And I'm like "I'm sorry but that's just my regular face." My friends ask me why I always listen to sad songs. Well maybe I'm just thoroughly a sad person. Maybe I find comfort in wallowing in my sorrow. I'm sick and tired of people telling me I should be happier when I find something sad everyday. I am pained by the smallest of actions. And at this point, being forgotten is super painful. Being forgotten is like fading away in the minds of people you regard as important to you. Another thing I find sad is how now I rarely find happiness in things that happen to me. Most of my happiness is either for others or a fictional character. I'm not even kidding. I feel happy when I see a character achieve something or when a character finds love because I'm pretty sure nothing like that will happen to me soon. In my real life, it is filled with disappointment and sad moments.

Also, I feel like nowadays, anything I do is a disgrace/rude remark to my parents. All my words are disregarded bcas they are irrelevant and definitely wrong. Bcas my parents are always right. Even if I had studied more in depth about a particular topic, they are always better because they are my parents. I feel very respected.

Just getting along,

Sherlyn

Never good enough

As usual, my father is criticizing me about how I'm stupid and lazy once again.

Do you know that I spend like basically 4-6 hours on homework everyday? (Estimate but still) He was like "You spend too much time eating." Well excuse me for eating fruits.

IDK like I need a break sometimes. And like my brother literally spends alot of his time playing games/watching videos. I basically never do stuff like that. I only read some manga only. And like I spend so much more of my time studying and he says I never study. That I'm always on twitter. Do you know that I'm basically not replying people on time lately? Just cos I can't afford to.

And I'm sorry I can't do better on tests. I mean I'm trying, and for the SAT I even did practice. And you know what you say? "Practicing with no results is like not practicing at all." Good, then I don't practice at all can already lor. I mean, I'm doing this because I want to get in. Not because of some other reason that I don't even know is what. I'm trying my best and I just really hope that my scores will improve. This is my last chance and I just hope to do better since I actually practiced. May God bless me and watch over me as I take the test tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Trudging along,
Sherlyn

那些年我们一起追的女孩的感想（You Are the Apple of My Eye thoughts)

那天，在晚上凌晨 2点半的时候，我看完了“那些年我们一起追的女孩”!
本来，当这部电影刚出的时候，因为有年龄的限制，我无法看这部电影。但是现在我看完之后，我觉得有点奇怪。这部电影其实只有两个比较粗俗何，不适合小孩子的部分。第一个就是他打手枪的部分，第二个就是当他在学英语的时候，他用了很多粗话。而且，整个戏里头也有许多华语的粗话。（也包括福建的粗话。）最后，其实当柯景腾跟沈佳宜的老公接吻的时候的确是有点奇怪，但是也没有夸张到哪里嘛。我读说，新加坡因为没有改掉戏里头的东西，所以把这部戏称为NC16。在中国，他们决定把很多东西改掉，让导演感到十分不满。

对我来说，我觉得这部戏不错，而且，它的故事还是跟着导演的生活来拍得！但是说到这样，如果你看完戏了，你会觉得导演满可怜的。柯腾明明已经跟沈佳宜告白了，但是沈佳宜虽然也一样喜欢柯腾，还不愿意快一点答应柯腾；沈佳宜还说什么废话：“有人说爱情就有趣的时候是当它还没开始。” 对我知道你的道理，但是怎么可能这样完全不要告诉他呢？！就是因为沈佳宜不可以好好地告诉柯腾他们其实是彼此相爱的，自己后来嫁给了另一个男人。柯腾也有些可怜。他真的尽力来跟沈佳宜保持联络但是当他们吵了架后，那个沈佳宜连一通抱歉的电话也没打来。还有，我觉得这一点非常的有趣。有了地震之后，柯腾第一个想要打电话的人就是沈佳宜。我觉得他连想都没有想到他的父母亲。
这部戏里头我最喜欢的部分就是当他们说胡家玮其实就是弯弯！真是个大惊喜。

好说到这样就到此为止了。

晚安。

Fantasy and Reality

So I know very well that I'm a hardcore manga reader. Evidently as well, I read more shoujo than shounen manga. Shoujo manga basically covers alot of romance and stuff.
No doubt, I truly enjoy watching a good romance blossom. Why? Probably because deep down I want something so beautiful to happen to me as well.
I mean, if you've read, many times, people talk about how the TV is getting more interesting while human life is getting more and more boring. It's the same in a way. Humans love the TV because it shows fantasies that cannot or rarely occur in real life. Same for manga. (Any kind)
I guess I feel sad because love is not a reality for me.
The worst thing is that I don't feel love for anyone. I suppose I love my family. I don't know how to say this well but I guess we've lived together so long that you don't feel like you love them though you do.
Yknow that one thing that says:

"The most important person is the one who appears in your mind after reading this sentence." 
or
"The person you think of first thing in the morning and the night is your most important person."

Or something like that. The thing is... No one appears in my mind even as I think about it long and hard. This makes me scared bcas it means one of the 2 things:
1) I simply have no actual feelings for people around me.
2) I'm self-centered and I feel that I'm more important, which is why I only care about myself.

Both answers aren't things I like very much at all.

But back to the original topic, I haven't been able to feel an ounce of love for anyone since I moved. I don't know if it's because everyone sucks, or no one is compatible, or whatever but I don't feel any love for anyone. That's 2 years without any kind of feelings for a single person. I don't know if this is normal, but at least last time, I'd like someone or even be interested in them.

Another problem is probably that I don't really have any guy friends either. However, when you're ugly and unsociable and painfully awkward, it's hard to even make normal friends. Idek if I deserve to complain here. I guess you would say I didn't put in any effort to socialise or find someone. I guess I'm simply waiting for a miracle that doesn't exist.

This is probably why I'm drowning myself in fantasies to make up for the unpleasant reality.

I guess I just want someone who would be with me at hard times and would take care of me and care for me. I doubt any friend I have would go this far to help me either.
I guess I just want to know that someone genuinely loves me. Not only in a family or friend sort of way. But in a romantic way. It's kinda depressing to feel that no one has ever loved you as a girl. It makes you feel lacking. I know I am but still.

All this kinda hurts but is it right to escape to fantasy?

PS: This is not for gaining attention. It's for me to express myself, thanks for understanding.

Childhood friend romance manga discussion+Hinamori stabbing rant

Herro.
So if you've seen my previous posts, they've basically been ranting or reminiscing, but I've decided to just discuss one of my favourite things... MANGA/ANIME.

So this is about genres and stuff haha.
So while I have and do read the popular shounen manga, I actually really love shoujo manga as well. The fuzzy feeling some can give you is really awesome. And out of all kinds of love, one of my favourite is the "childhood friends to lovers" love. Like honestly, I personally believe that to be successful in a relationship, you must not only be lovers, but friends as well.
It's sad to say that I don't have any friends (boys or girls actually) that have stuck with me for my whole childhood. In pri 2, we were separated to our pri 3 classes and I was the only one in 3/8. One of the sadness moments in my pri school life. :( And now that I've moved COMPLETELY away from anyone, this remains but a fantasy and fangirl material lol.
So here are a few couples who are childhood friends who progressed to become lovers:

SHOUJO

LAST GAME: Yanagi and Kujou
 

*This is one of my favourite shoujo manga EVER. It combines how the male has a love-hate relationship initially and how he protects and loves her ever since he met her. But unfortunately, this one of most dense mangas I must have ever read lol. But it's really awesome in my opinion. A must read if you like fuzzy stuff fufufu.

STARDUST WINK: Anna and Sou and Hinata


*Ahhhhh. Stardust wink is not that impressive but it's pretty nice. This is basically a love triangle between childhood friends and as usual, the 2 guys are sooooo popular at school and the girl is just the girl hahahaha. But it's pretty fun to read, though I got really mad at the teacher and the guys. =___=

KOI DANO AI DANO: Hijiri and Himeno


*Unfortunately, these 2 aren't the main characters but I did love the recent chapters that discussed this which led to THIS SCENE HERE THAT JUST MAKES ME SO HAPPY. Like the main characters are in this immensely intensely denseness that nothing is gonna happen for a long LOOOONG time and these 2's progress was so great. But this manga in general is not your typical shoujo manga and the lead is smart and there's quite a bit of plot in this manga. It can be wordy I guess. Because while typical shoujo manga takes me like 5-8 mins to read a chapter (40 pages typically), this one takes around 10+ mins. It's not a bad thing, just that it's special. :D Good change from the typical LOTS OF BIG PICS TAKING UP 5 PAGES CASUALLY. (Not raging, but it's ALWAYS the same.)

KIMI NI TODOKE: Chizuru and Ryuu


*So well they're not the main main characters, but they're pretty much main characters. (Did this sentence even make sense?) I love how Ryuu just declared in a bluntly-in-her-face way to Chizuru that he loved her. It was hard for Ryuu. T/\T Because initially, Chizuru loved his older brother and he knew. However, after like so many chapters, Chizuru began to realise that she loves Ryuu and she doesn't want him to leave. Ryuu's got it rough in this case but he's a great guy. Very mellow though hehe, while Chizuru is just very loud and excited. :) Like a little kid. Kimi ni todoke is great manga too. One of the most slice-of-life mangas ever with nice and awesome characters.

SHOUNEN





FULL METAL ALCHEMIST: Edward and Winry

*While FMA didn't really focus on romance, I always shipped Edward and Winry. I MEAN, don't they look great together. XD But also, you can tell how much they support each other, especially after the incident when they were kids. In the end, he marries her too so that's a great ending. =v=

BLEACH: Hinamori and Hitsugaya


*OH SWEET KUBO. So, the one reason why I couldn't get a better canon picture for Hitsugaya and Hinamori is because Kubo freaking kills Hinamori every time she appears honestly. I'll show pictures in the end. But anyways, another reason is cause Bleach doesn't focus on romance, so it's really just up to fans to fantasize and ship which is what I'm doing, yay. So I love how Hitsugaya really tries to protect Hinamori and Hinamori also cares for Hitsugaya but honestly it shows more on Hitsugaya's end. (Have I mentioned I really like him too?) Good news as well:  THIS MAGAZINE (an official kind) DECLARED THEIR RELATIONSHIP AS "ADMIRATION" WHICH IS LIKELY LOVE YAYYYYYYYY.

BLEACH: Rangiku and Gin


*As I mentioned above, a canon picture was hard to find for 2 reasons. 1) Gin and Rangiku were apart and enemies for most of the series, so a canon picture was hard to find. 2)Bleach is weak in romance. ( =.=) Well so technically, again, the guy is the protector but Gin is basically the best of them all. Why? Gin basically disguised himself as the bad guy for half his life and ended up dying because he wanted to solve things...

He was smart. He knew Aizen was freaking evil, so he wanted to protect Rangiku by being a spy. When Gin died, he broke my heart. This just means that Rangiku's love is official never gonna happen. *cue glass break sound effects*

Ok and now I present the "Hinamori: I almost died (again)" collection:



1) Gin almost kills her (I wonder if he would have done it) when she is grief-stricken after being tricked into thinking that Hitsugaya killed Aizen. She is unconscious after Hitsugaya hits her and Gin tries to stab her, but Rangiku protects Hinamori. She then spends many chapters and episodes unconscious.



2) Aizen actually stabs her when she finds him. Then Hitsugaya arrives to see her already stabbed and unfortunately, Hitsugaya is defeated there as well.



3) OK NOW SHE IS BEING STABBED BY HITSUGAYA. MOST RAGE MOMENT. I WAS HOPPING MAD AND LIKE HEARTBROKEN WHEN THIS CAME OUT. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. Aizen used Kyouka Suigetsu to trick Hitsugaya into thinking he had stabbed Aizen. However, he used Hinamori. And you know what? When she was stabbed, she practically had every bone in her body broken from fighting Ayon. And she had not received treatment. Hitsugaya basically raged and broke down when he did this and the captains fighting Aizen were instantly down.

OK LEMME JUST SAY THIS. HINAMORI IS ALIVE NOW EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS GRAVELY INJURED. BUT I HAVE A FEELING SOMETHING LIKE THIS MAY HAPPEN AGAIN AND I WILL BE VERY UPSET. PLEASE KUBO. JUST SHOW HER WINNING A FIGHT FOR ONCE. CAN HITSUGAYA ACTUALLY SUCCEED IN PROTECTING HER? PLEASEEEEE?????

Rant over. OK, well other than my rant, these mangas are great and I hope that if you came looking for recommendations, you like them too!
Finally,



On this SDFHWOFHAOFIHBOI rage kind of note, byeeee.

Trouble is brewing

So today marked the day that my AP results would be released.
In great news, I passed both and got a 3/5 for English and a 5/5 for Chinese. Of course, the english was super hard and chinese was super easy so I sorta expected this. But I was just happy I passed both and they were both valid.
The first thing my parents said after hearing this was "Oh your english is worse than your chinese." which is statistically correct, but factually inaccurate. The exams are on such a different level and it would be most inappropriate to compare them at all. So, my father declared, "So since you've already taken your AP chinese exam, you can stop using chinese forever." Then silence ensued. This had long been a topic in our family. He insists that speaking bilingually will affect both languages as you speak, which is why he absolutely condemns singlish, even though he speaks it himself. Singlish is the essence of singapore. It is a way of life and while I understand why it's bad, it's definitely part of our culture. My father always criticizes Singapore for many things, including how Singapore has no culture, is so uptight and how the government takes so much money. I understand all these concerns but it's not ok to be hypocritical about it.
Furthermore, when he says that my english is bad, it's only when I'm at home, speaking to my family in an informal manner. I mean, after living in America for 2 years, my english is definitely no longer broken as singaporean english would be. It seems that I'm a mirror to my father. He gets angry about his own incompetence in the language and then berates me for it even though I don't have a problem with it. I don't know about him but I can be very flexible. I naturally switch between my singapore and american accent and when I mix my languages, I do it fluently too. I don't know what the deal is but apparently my father has been having trouble conversing with his co-workers and he thus blames his failure on me. I'm not him but he scolds me like I'm doing the exact same thing as him. And the worst part of all this? I'm the only one receiving all this reprimanding. My brother, who stupidly used chinese for the whole day even though that's what we were quarreling about, did not receive even a single scolding. Likewise for my mother.
Usually when something like this happened, I would lose my cool and start arguing and being absolutely downcast which would then make me receive another round of scolding for having a "black face". However, I was unusually calm and collected today. I did not even talk back; in fact, my brother and my mother actually argued for me. Alas, even though it was their mouths that opened, I received all the abuse. My father in his fit of anger, went out for almost the whole day and returned with the same frown upon his face as he spoke nary a word. And after we came back from dinner, he began the same threaten I've been receiving for a long time: "Since you like your chinese so much, you can just go back to singapore! See whether you die anot." The only difference about this time is that he has claimed that he has already booked air tickets and he even sent me a link about transfering back. While it may seem like nothing to the reader, it seems quite serious. But whatever it is, this just adds to my stress.
Let's say that I really am forced to go back. I am in the middle of nowhere in my education. Since US's and SG's educations do not correspond, I am left to hands of all those placement tests. And honestly, I think we all know that I am so screwed if I take one of those placement tests. The difference in standards in the educations are phenomenal and I am bound to plummet from a former above average student to a failing student who knows less than half the material being covered. I will fail because of the difference. The worse part is that I think that even hard work will make it hard to recover the lost time and lost knowledge that I had not gained. I've always been a good school and striving for the best but if I come back I'm screwed. Another thing is that if I had finished at least high school, I could try to apply for a singapore university but since I wouldn't be if I were to return now, I would have to go to JC and I would be in a really bad school. Or worse, I may have to go back to secondary school. (Very likely indeed)
I already have to worry a ton for my university entrance stuff in America and if I have to deal with this, I will definitely break. All this moving here and there and everything will and has messed with my life to much already. I've had enough.

The Girl's Confusion

The girl did not understand people.
The girl was absolutely confused after going to a new place.
Words were found to be completely empty.
Lies were small talk and expected from you. Anything other than the expected and favoured lie would be reciprocated with a rather negative reaction.

The girl did not understand people.
The girl was absolutely confused after going to a new place.
Hypocrisy was the norm.
People say many empty things:
A girl without make-up is the prettiest girl.
Yet you always see that the girls who put on makeup are more likely to find a boyfriend.
Only friends that insult you with swear words are your best friends.
Yet one too many times has it been heard that they were seriously insulting each other.
"You did so good!"
Yet what they actually think in their minds are completely different.

The girl was particularly upset with the question, "How are you?"
It is the most empty greeting you can give someone.
The girl never understood why people asked that question, especially since most people who ask that are unconcerned with the other individual's life in the first place.
Even more impressively, the girl once experienced a time where when she replied she was having a bad day, the person who asked her the question just said, "Oh, good! I'm glad to hear you're alright."
The girl struggles to accept this fact.
The girl struggles to understand.
However, the girl has no choice but to conform to this. For she lives in an area where this is the norm.

The girl is upset.
The girl wonders why she cannot make friends as easily.
The girl watches as her friends left and right are all treated nicer then she is when she talks to others.

The girl is fat.
The girl is undesirable.
The girl is scary.
The girl is blunt.
The girl is unpopular.
The girl is ugly.
The girl is not funny.
The girl is intimidating.

The girl longs to be slimmer.
The girl longs to be desired.
The girl longs to be less scary.
The girl longs to be more delicate.
The girl longs to be popular. (Or at least liked by close friends, which seems far)
The girl longs to be pretty.
The girl longs to be funny.
The girl longs to be more approachable.

The girl has tried in some of these aspects but to no avail.
The girl is quickly losing hope.
Recently, the girl has realised that often, hard work/effort does not promise success.
The girl has recently realised that her goals or wishes are harder and harder to obtain.

This girl thus remains demoralized, fearful, exasperated, anguished, anxious, frustrated and saddened.

Bucket of negative feelings

Imagine being offered a task, and by working hard you would be rewarded with $1000. However, out of your group of 26, only 24 could receive the reward. It depended on your skill, your attendance and how you worked as a group. You had been working meticulously, attending every meeting, working on your own time, helping others, even sacrificing other commitments in order to meet expectations. Finally, judgement day arrives and despite working extremely hard, you realize that you have been chosen as the 2 who don't receive the prize. You are told by your boss, "It's not your ability that's the issue. It's just that with half the people in your section that are seniors and are likely to leave and miss this experience, yeah, I had to choose you." (And yes, he left it hanging somewhat, unwillingly to reveal the ugly truth.)

Yes this happened today. But what this was, was being cut from performing for a competition on one of the songs. As one who tries her best to be socially correct, I shake it off with a laugh and exit the room coolly, not making a big fuss, quickly accepting this fate I had been assigned. Afterwards, though, came the contemplation. My mind was like ground zero after a hurricane had furiously destroyed all existing thoughts. What could have possibly resulted in my removal from the choir? My mind was in ruins because I was not used to this. I was decided as the worst choice and removed. Other than softball (because I am less athletically inclined), I have rarely ever been eliminated or picked as the last resort or selected as the worst. So I narrowed down the reasons. Perhaps I had bad vowels? Perhaps I had bad technique? Perhaps I had bad breath support? Perhaps I was so quiet that it didn't matter if I was there or not? I didn't know the answer. To me, I've never seen myself as amazing in anything. I have never been the top for anything so I wouldn't consider myself good at all. Perfection would be the goal. I blame this perfectionist attitude I have as a result of influence from my parents, for I have never received much praise from them at all because I have never been the best. Then after looking fault in myself, I began looking fault in others. Personally, I was maddened because I was sure I had put in so much more effort in practising than many of the others in my section. Furthermore, some of them had even complained to me and skipped practices, or simply take any small excuse as a reason for skipping practice. On the other hand, I have skipped softball practices everyday in order to come to practices. But as the situation reveals, I doubt any of the sacrifice I've made actually paid off. I didn't need to be there. It's not like I was unable to sing the songs right. I had it memorized and everything. The other reason which infuriated me was that some people, when asked to sing alone (which tested their individual memory/skills) for their own part, actually forgot the lyrics and disappeared in the middle of song, due to their incompetence. I hadn't forgotten any lyrics. (And anyway, the individual performance probably didn't influence his decisions for this removal) I did fairly well. But no, I'm the one who gets cut.

Other than me, there are 6 spots for people to fill as alternates, which would be the euphemistic way of "You have not met expectations in a certain way, so you're not needed." A girl had been taken out of 2 songs due to her bad attendance while the 2 other boys, as I have observed, were weaker singers. This just narrows down the possibilities of why I was cut to one reason: I was lousy and my skill wasn't enough. No matter how he may try to sugar-coat it and claim that he may have randomly picked me, I'm sure I wasn't good enough, and that just brings me down. I can say firmly that I have been working hard in terms of training my voice and things, but no matter how hard I try, nothing seems to be working. It's the same for softball as well. I feel like I would never be great.

For me, it really honestly does not concern how hard I work. Because I always work extremely hard, and I even have confirmation from teachers and others.

I've come to conclude that a new saying that can be added to my list of hated motivation quotes people say would be: "Hard work (or the process) is more important than the result." This quote is basically crap. No one cares how hard you work, they want you to work fast, smart and produce excellent results. Even if you fall a thousand times in practice and get up to work again before going on the field to play a game and you unfortunately allow 3 runners to home-run, no one is going to tell you that it was fine because you worked hard. If you go out to work one day and you lose a whole project, your boss isn't going to tell you that everything's fine because you had worked exceptionally hard. No one, is going to tell you that in fact.

I'm so done. I skipped homework to write this and I would definitely continue to rant for hours but the sleep pangs have begun to hit and I need to sleep.

And again, I bet this year's birthday is gonna be plain and boring because no one bothers to remember.

Other than my petty complains, I hope that you the reader are having a good time. And if it sounded formal, it was supposed to haha  I was trying to write this like a super ap english kind of recount.

Anyways,
Good night and I hope your life is going better
Sherlyn

River of Memories

Row we row down the

River of memories

Ripples show images

Reflecting past times

Disappear they disappear

Disrupting each other 

Dismally as new replaces the

Darling dear old

Tremble we tremble as

Tears descend and 

Tear our hearts in

Two little pieces 

Left, you left as you

Leapt off the boat

Leaving me all alone, no

Longer knowing me anymore

Loveless

Hey yall.

If you know me, you'll know that I have a relatively dead love life. In SG, it wasn't that uncommon. Everyone stayed single. (Not sure about now though)
So the girls in softball nowadays ask me about my love life. And I have no answer. And guess what, that actually led to me being here.
Everyone can lie about how everyone is beautiful and how people accept you no matter how you are but in the end, the results speak the loudest. I don't even know why people seem to be afraid of me or go away from me. I really haven't done anything to them. My mother tells me that my face just looks angry/scary half the time, so I guess that's why. But honestly, the other half of the time, I just find the people so stupid and irritating so I guess that's a problem too.
But back to the reason why I'm sad/scared. I'm not like super sad though. Because I'm just not happy. It's an odd empty feeling.
So I read about this one syndrome that makes you feel no love for anyone. It scares me to think I might have that. Because for such a long time, I haven't feel an ounce of love for a guy. Even to family, I don't have that kind of love feeling I guess. I don't know what it is supposed to feel like for family. But I do know that I would be distraught and worried sick if anything happened to them.
Then the other thing to be sad about is that I've given up. Many times people quote stuff about love, I quote about friendship. I don't know how much I meant to you, but I do know that many of you don't know how much you meant to me. I really, really loved spending time we some of you and I'm desperately trying to keep in contact with many of you, because some of you have already disappeared and gone without a trace. But it is absolutely tiring to be the only one trying. It's not like I'm completely alone here, but you will always hold a special place in my heart. You have no idea how awkward it is to participate in a conversation when you have nothing you understand or connect to. At this point, I bet many people had thought to themselves, "Well don't do that then." Then it would result in them leaving. I know, some might say again, "If people really care, they wouldn't leave." True, I must say. But if no one initiates, everything ends right there. Honestly, I guess it's just time for me to stop. I have to let go. What do I expect? For everything to remain the same as before? No way that can happen.
You know how most shows involve people who have lifetime friends who've always been together? My dreams for that shattered twice. First when I was in p2 and I was the only person from 1/5 to go to 3/8, and when I moved. I bet one day I'll be all alone, no true loyal and caring friend, nor a guy to love me. It's easy to say and think of solutions, but honestly, I don't think I can pull it off because my confidence level has been shot down to the absolute zero, by various things.
When I say I'll be forever alone, I mean it 80%.

I know it's my fault, but loveless I shall remain due to my cowardice.






Sorry if I seem creepy.

-Sherlyn

If you see this, you know who you are and I love you.

I wish you would open your heart.
I wish you would tell me what's wrong.
I wish you would complain to me much more.
I wish I could shoulder some of your troubles.
I wish you would be able to feel happier.
I wish you would have a much easier time.
I wish I could make things easier for you.
I wish that you wouldn't think I'm not trying.

I worry for you.
I wish you could smile more often.
But anger gets in the way of trying to help.
And when anger gets in the way,
I fear losing you completely.
Especially since I already can't see nor touch you physically.

I wish I could give you what you need.
Even a simple hug,
If that would make you feel a thousand times better.

I wish things weren't so complicated.
I wish you'd let me.

And lastly,
I'm sorry.

I'll be your best friend and you'll be my valentine.

Hey.
This is kinda pathetic haha. So anyway, to any bloggers that stop by, Vampirestat is a spam website. Do not link to it or you'll also suffer from it's spam. It pretends that your blog has viewers but it isn't true. It's just fake traffic. And that brings me back to why this is pathetic. The views are only the spam that it brought. No one else visited the blog. Haha...haha........

Well. I am sad again today. Well it feels like I'm never anyone else's number 1. I doubt I ever was. Especially with how I am. I really don't know anymore. People would say, "Yeah you need to boost your self-confidence and be more positive."

What if I can't?

Self-confidence is when you actually have something to be proud about. But no matter how proud you are, it's no use if no one else actually thinks so.

"So what if people don't think you are good? Someone will think so."

Ha...HAHAHA. Sorry but you may most definitely be wrong. What if there isn't anyone? What if there was someone but that person was simply a sympathetic person who tries to be nice? What if they could only half-heartedly care for you? I don't know. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.

Being positive.
I agree I'm very EXTREMELY negative. But I'm afraid to be positive. Almost 70% of the time when I tell myself that something will go alright or that something will go "this-way", it fails. It won't. But when I'm negative, the results actually go right. A personal moral I like to live by:

If you don't expect anything, the result is sweeter. Expectation brings disappointment.

I'm sometimes even afraid to hope for things. Like I was hoping that when my school year starts, I'll be able to make more friends and such and looked forward to some stuff. But I stopped. I was afraid that everything would backfire. Everything would fall apart and I would be alone again. I dunno. I wonder if I'm making everything just about me. What if it's just me being selfish? What if I'm paranoid.
One thing's for sure. I overthink way too much. I know.







And honestly. Anyone who says nothing is impossible, try jumping down the eiffel tower or some tall building, no equipment, purely yourself and survive. Go try it. Or stay underwater without equipment for a day. Just yourself again. Go try it. Succeed and tell me again.

Kthxbai,
Sherlyn

Shouldn't I...

Shouldn't I let go?
Shouldn't I stop caring so much?
Shouldn't I understand that nothing can be changed?
Shouldn't I stop whining about everything?
Shouldn't I try to live my existing life now?
Shouldn't I stop dreaming?
Shouldn't I convince myself that I'm alright?
Shouldn't I stop worrying?
Shouldn't I just go with the flow?
Shouldn't I be more social?
Shouldn't I stop being cooped up in the past?
Shouldn't I accept reality?
Shouldn't I think positive?
Shouldn't I stop thinking about all of you?
Shouldn't I stop regretting?

Shouldn't I move on?


"Having self-confidence/self-esteem is basically lying to yourself, believing it and feeling good about it."

Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down

Hi.
So let me say foremost that it was interesting that I told myself, I'm going to write this blog post while listening to Taylor Swift's fearless album. And as of now, I'm really in a bad mood. I realized that this album calms me. I fell asleep while listening to it too. (in a good way of course) So I thought, breathe would be a nice song to listen to. So I put the album on shuffle and guess what... It was nice enough to play breathe for me on the first pick. :)

Ok so from now on, it's gonna be a rant post. And it's not pretty. I can imagine eyes rolling. But well who's here anyway? That's probably why I'm still willing to type it all out here. Also cos I need to vent. It's come to the point where complaining to a webpage seems like the best choice.

So. In like 10 days or so I'm coming back to singapore. Oddly for me, although it's what I've been longing for the entire time, when I first received news, I wasn't excited at all. I honestly wasn't. And it's not because I don't love SG anymore. I really didn't understand why I wasn't excited. Completely confused. But after 2-3 days I picked myself up and said, OK, let's go plan outings because it's been so long since I've seen anyone. But I hesitate so much. Why you may ask? The answers simple. 1) I don't know how to contact anyone. 2) Has everyone gotten tired of each other? Do they no longer want to meet because it's a waste of time?

So many questions shrouded my head. I didn't know what to do. At first I thought, "What if I just invite some people then the rest are like, 'Eh you never invite me?'" Because that happened at the farewell party. And some people were sad. But in the end, I've realized this may not hold true anymore. It was utterly foolish of me to think that everyone was still the same. Things have changed more than I think they have. Everyone's moved on, except for me, and gone on with their lives. These things that once occurred are no more than memories, or they may even have been forgotten. I mean, it's true. If you didn't like it too, why would you hold on? If there are new more available and better choices, why hold on to the old ones? It's simple human nature and common sense.

The only way relationships can be established solidly is most definitely through direct physical communication. Not wanting to sound all mumbo jumbo here but it's the truth. I've learnt and observed it many a time. When online, the person can fake anything they want to. Like seriously, that's why they always joke and say



It's the truth actually. You can fabricate yourself to be anything you want. You can be the sweetest girl on the internet and the biggest bitch in real life. One could even go to the extent of making yourself who you consider your ideal self. Why? Because it's possible on the internet. So, I really don't know who to believe anymore.

Many people say things, but do they mean it is another question. In order not to 害 myself anymore, I won't state why I state this though. But I meant every word  said.

I don't want to sound all self-pitying and crap while I post this here and seem like I'm fishing for cheerup shit but I want to say this. So I'm gonna put this down and say it in all honesty, no matter how much I deny this.




I honestly did that. I told myself, it's fine, I'll manage.

If you're from SG or another country other than US, you may not know this. You actually change classes so it means that instead of staying with the same bunch of people for every class, it changes constantly. And in every class there's like 20-30 people usually.

Do you know how it feels to be alone in almost every one of those classes? Well I guess then you'd say I should make an effort to make friends. Follow up question: Do you know how hard it is to make friends when you don't have anything to say to them?

"Talk about shows."
"Talk about hobbies."
"Talk about yourself/the person."
"Compliment them."
"Find similar interests."

It's easy to say. I know some of you know this... I don't/can't watch show that people do watch here. Mostly no. Why? Because I'm not allowed to.
Hobbies? Well I'm gonna say this in application to the rest of the advice given. Have you ever tried doing that? Do you know how seriously awkward is that when you ask that person that? Have you ever seen the person giving you the look when you ask stuff like that? I'm telling you, that crap only works on the first day you meet people. And newsflash: As a sophomore (2nd year), many people already have friends. Another newsflash: You do not want to be friends with some of the people there.
It's all so frustrating.
Yes maybe I'm socially awkward. Do you know how hard it is to move to a foreign land? Do you know how difficult it is to fit in? Do you know how stressful it is when people constantly stare at you even though all you're doing is walking and breathing? "Maybe they think you're pretty." To the people who say that, you're either trying to be nice and encouraging/ you've never seen me. I'm far from the definition of pretty. There are more girls that bother to dress up, more girls that bother to beautify themselves. Why stare at me? Obviously cos there's something wrong with me.

I've been depressed. Like really. Loneliness is killing me. The fact that I realized, that when I thought that psychological diseases were easy to cure and that it was just the person who rejected treatment, was wrong, I knew I understood it, for I personally went through it.

I find myself quite pathetic. I feel so overjoyed when I chat with someone and feel real happy. Should I be content? I should. But it feels pathetic. I don't know what to say anymore. It's never right.

And right now. I know how I feel.
In all due respect, I do not mean any racist comments or anything. I think it's something I read from a book about historical events. (To kill a mockingbird I think)
The kid who is half-white and half-black.
He/She is treated badly or differently by both sides. The whites dislike him because he's half black, and the blacks dislike him because he's half white. Nobody wants/likes him. He doesn't belong anywhere.

That's how I feel now. I'm forgotten or at least no longer belonging in SG, and I'm never truly belonging here either. It's true when they say family is the one that's truly there till the end.

Speaking about this, I had a panic attack last winter. What is a panic attack?



I really just told myself I'm going to die. I was so freaked out. Couldn't eat much, couldn't do much. Just fear and breathing real hard. But I didn't want to do much about it. Because it's not much. Now I just try to avoid this topic. I really don't know. See now I'm worrying, right at this very moment that I'm annoying some of you because I sound like I'm just trying to get people to worry and say like "oh you poor thing". I don't know either. What if I want you to worry? (Though I'm not. I'm sorry it's 12am, I'm not making sense)

Education here is much simpler, but admission to a college is much more difficult. I've learnt from p6 that admission is never easy. I was careless. I should've studied more. Everyone tells me I did well for PSLE. But it sure didn't feel that way. My whole class got like 250+++. I felt really inferior. I should've. I deserved it. I ended up in Anglican High. It's not bad. But you know it's not that good a school already. Because unless you're in duman, raffles or nanyang, hwachong, you're still nothing. People know the listed ones, but rarely the others. So I'm determined this time, to make a difference. But do you know how stupidly difficult it is to get into a good school? Firstly grades on a normal basis. To get a high GPA (like a point system for grades) you have to take lots of AP and Pre-AP classes. (advanced placement) And although you have to be smart to do so, it's not equal to me. It's like not equal at all. So you're ranked according to that. So you have to be top 10% to be in direct admission. I'm at the 20-22% mark. Not close enough, I'm not. My project SAT score based on my PSAT isn't enough for me to go into UT. I haven't got an ounce of community service since I got here. And telling them "I didn't know I had to do some." Isn't going to cut it. It makes you look like you're doing it for the sake of it. And the only club that I'm in now or like thing is choir and I'm in chamber which is good but still. It's only one thing. I'm stressing over this so much because my parents don't believe me when I say this process is real and it's THAT hard to get into one. Especially UT. So I really don't know what to do anymore.

Anyway, this 1 hour session of typing has led me to 12:18am now. So I'm going to head off to sleep. This is like a super calm rant haha. But still, everything I said was in all honesty and truth.

So goodnaga (if you watched spongebob's prehistoric episode haha),
Sherlyn

Donkey years bring me here

Hey guys.

Ok it's definitely been donkey years since I've been here haha I wonder if anyone still comes. And I'm guessing if anyone does, it'll be shijia or qianhui HAHA. XD

So just saying, I have whatsapp already, if you want, uhh somehow please comtact me. XD Anyway, so yeah that's like my latest new thing.

I have a choir spring show coming up soon and I have a solo and duet hehe. :D And like there are different levels of choir lah, so like depending on how good you are you'll be put into a different choir. Then I auditioned liao and apparently I will be in the best choir. Pretty awesome considering it's my first year in choir hehehe. (Y) But still music theory from piano has helped alot.

Oh and forgot if I mentioned before, but I have perfect pitch (absolute pitch). Can go google if you dunno what it is. Hehe, it's pretty sweet.

AND THEN HOR, just yesterday I skyped Shijia, then she tell me I have bit of angmor accent liao. LIKE WHUT. I DUNWAN. But i still add my singlish slangs as usual haha cos #SINGLISHFTW.
I'm like completely FLABBERGASTED (this word is pretty cool) because I thought it never change much. But still I'm quite flexible lah, I can change like between accents quite easily. But like some particular words will be very different. Like in SG we say "gee-o-grah-fi", US is "gee-o-greh-fi" and more shun. Little words like this make big differences. Apparently when they advertisement it's like "ad-ver-ti-ss-ment" <-If you get my lousy explanation. And is like we are like "an-teee" theirs is "an-tie". Though for these words I dun really care. I guess my angmor accent still very lousy cos it's not exactly the right pronunciations. And fun fact, pronunciation is one of the most mispronounced words HAHA. (Yes being a nerd here.) I'm still a major nerd, but I feel dumb now because yall in SG learn so difficult things and I'm like being nooby here. But then again, their education system is completely different so it's hard to compare also. But currently I'm skipping a year i guess.



So I still really miss everything, but honestly, I wonder if everything's been too long or something, the hurting feeling seems to have decreased significantly. It makes me feel guilty cos it's like I'm forgetting yall or something. It makes me afraid because I dun wanna lose what we had. But then again I go on thinking about how maybe many of you have already forgotten and like dun really care anyways. But then I think about how some people might. And how if I do that, they'll get hurt. It's all so complicated. That's why I always prefer to talk face to face with someone. The human face can truly convey many messages just through expression. So I'm thinking of changing my DPs soon. But there's so much holding me back. I wonder if I'm being too clingy. I truly don't know anymore.

Honestly, I don't have as many friends as I used to have. Or rather, while amount is not important, I don't really have any truly good friends. All the relationships I have here feel so superficial and unreal. Everything seems fake. It's scary to see how fake some people can be. I can look at her being sweet and nice to some person for a second, and the next moment she starts complaining and bitching about how she doesn't like her. And at this point I just realized how proper my english has been. But then again I think I'm pretty much overthinking again. Back to topic, so yeah I think I bore people. I'm not sure why but I could bond with SG people really well. Like we'd always have things to talk about. Now that I think about it, there's barely anything to talk about here. I would make friends if I could think of something to talk to someone about without them being all looking at me and being like, "Oh... Yeah...." and then that awkward silence. I'm also too straight-laced to honestly be friends with people. It's hard for me. I've tried the talking to people thing and all I've gotten was weird looks like WOW she's talking or like why is she talking to me. I had enough. I don't know. The staring deal has become better. When I first entered the school, every day when I walked in, everyone stared. What was there to see honestly. And no, the "you're pretty lor" thing isn't gonna cut it. Everyone knows I'm not pretty and my clothes are no where near fashionable.

It's so much stress. And I feel I'm studying here more than SG. Wanna guess why? Cos the teacher's can't teach. It's like if you don't self study you're not gonna do well. It's such lousy planning. I'm still angry with the education system here. But I'll say that I love the way they allow you to try things that will actually benefit you're career choices and things. That is a fabulous and wonderful idea. In fact, everywhere should try to do that. But when it come to grading and stuff, seriously, teach us what we did wrong, not just never return the ws.

BTW, search on youtube for "Boy lectures teacher". It should say something like Jeff Bliss from Duncanville High School I think. He was scolding his teacher for just giving packets (which here means worksheets that consist of a few pages) and her not teaching. I have 2 teacher so far that just do that mostly. I understand his frustration. My science teacher now is so lousy that I'm just waiting for the results of the standardized test to come back right, and I hope the school will see that majority of students that attend her class are all failing. Because, she doesn't think she's doing something wrong. However, she's just treating us like we know everything that SHE is supposed to teach. I mean if some just tells you, ok we're learning about acids and bases. Then it briefly summarizes everything.Then immediately when we get the worksheets, the questions don't cover anything you mentioned. So how are we supposed to do our work? Then test things are even harder. I'm sorry but things don't work this way ok.

I have just realized I've ranted for like 1/2 an hour. I dunno. If I wanted to, I could go on for a long time. But i don't think I will. Anyway, anyone who sees this, leave a message. I'm really curious who would actually still come and see this. I'm sorry if this post brought you down but I guess I'm overall down nowadays. Imagine going to school and not verbally speak to people for like hours more or less. I do that on a daily basis. I can be like from 10:07-1:02 not have a real conversation. Maybe questions or answers. But not even one for casual talking. Nope, I'm not asking for pity. I'm just self-pitying. I wonder if it's my fault cos I'm antisocial, or because I really can't do it. I wonder. I would also like to thank God for supporting me in this lonely times.

Also to shijia, qianhui, half-buddha, my squad, my anime twitter family and my real family as well.

Till then, let's see when my next miraculous update will be.

Te Amo, te quiero,

Sherlyn

FINALLY HERE

Hey.
Ok this blog is super dead because nowadays I'm very busy, super contrary to popular belief that over here no hw. My conclusion from what I've observed, apparently the start of the year will be damn hectic but everyone start to heck care and lesser things to do in the end of the year.

Over here they only have like 4 subjects and 4 electives. So like in eg, like EL, Science, Maths and History and then music, art, pe and a cca. Something like that. But here their lessons damn compact and damn lot. But it's lesser to remember. It's to know. So they can say like a whole lesson on atoms in like 2 weeks and then once that 2 weeks is over, they don't really ever mention it again. And like it's more detailed and chim-mer. HAHA. Ok, but like I hae 5 subjects which is like alot. And like cos I'm very used to SG so detailed and *le show all steps and be precise and must be correct* type of hw, I do very long. And like it seems that nowadays I even have to work harder cos I study like siao for all the tests cos like the last round, 91 and 93 were called "not as good" and like I studied my ass off. Then all the dumbass teachers and the dumbass systems keep giving me tardies (late) and 0s cos of the systems and my mom is like angry and keep saying until like it's all my fault which is pissing me off. But like yeah. *sighs (i really did in real life lol)*

Good stuff. I'm actually doing good in choir haha. Cos like I have perfect pitch so if you ask me to sing a note, 80%-90% i'll get the pitch right. And like I know sight reading so it's good. It's just that my range is not exactly very good and like my voice is not very good so those are the setbacks but it's still good lah. :D

I swear my science teacher is a angmor version of Ms Lim. She cannot teach at all. She give notes and ws all wrong one. And like when people correct her she gets angry which is like WTH. So like everyone (literally almost everyone) is failing the thing. Over here passing is 70%, then my class' average is 55%. And she blames us but I don't think it ever occured to her that she is part of the problem as well. *facepalm*

Then like the people here their morals and principles damn bad. There was like half the class said that if someone deposited money but it didn't drop in the slot (stuck there) and the security camera spoil, that they would take the money. And like if their best friend's super hot bf/gf approached them when their best friend was out of town, they would go *ahem ahem* or go out with them. Cheating basically. Which is horrible.

So now I'm like very stressed cos I'm over serious and too much and things so I'm very tired and stuff. I really hate how I cannot just be less serious and not waste so much time.

I shall stop now cos my eye is hurting for some reason. Another horrible thing: 1 page is the limit to write a compo. WHAT.

Smiles,
Sherlyn

A random memory again

A while back i typed this: 

Heylow it was raining yesterday. Then this led to me remembering about that time in sec1 when it was raining before PE. It's like we were going for PE which was at the Lee Kuo Chuan stadium. Then the sheltered way was super far and I'm sure most of us still don't really know the way also. So most of us ran through the rain to reach there. Then me and zhangnian were especially hyper that day so we siao, HAHA. We went and run in the rain. Like the rain so heavy then we jump around and stand there. It was my first time ever playing in the rain. It was one of the happiest moments of my life. Then after that when we had PE, we sweat so still very wet and hot (NO SICK HERE) HAHAHAH. 

And then that time when 1B had the relief cher, then we played BBall. Then we play boy VS girl then the teacher was like, "This is the first class, that play basketball like want to kill each other. Boys, they are girls, 手下留情 a bit lah!" HAHAHA. This is very funny. Anyway, this is just a memory. Won't happen again since my parents like 3m also must take umbrella. 

Bye.

Wheee

I read my meimei's blog (Gerilynn) and suddenly remember I made this note when I was in a restaurant and suddenly remember these stuff and my mom dunwan listen LOL HAHAHAHA. Anyway, I'm posting this now so many weeks later lol. Paiseh ah cos I usually dun post on itouch so i forgot. And Gerilynn, I DIDN'T FORGET U LAHH. Is just that i dun post everything. Otherwise my blog can flood while i remember everyone. But i also miss you k. I miss everyone tbvh. Well this is what I was remembering...

Haha ok hi it's 7pm here now. And I suddenly remember this epic moment. Cos i was explaining to my bro why half buddha got his name, then i remember the dizi lesson. There was this day where the teacher was late by like 1 hour or something. Then i remember our class was so epic. We were playing like crazy in class. I remembered for some reason I was doing the graph plotting for maths. Dunno is homework or i forgot to do or what but whatever haha. Then while our class was playing I also remember I think some people "escaped" if I'm not wrong. Then I think i was alone then Gerilynn came along then she offered me the headphones to listen cos as usual she was like, "Hello 姐姐." Haha. ^^ Then i was listening to Taylor Swift. It was a good day i feel. :) Haha yay. Ok bye hehe.

Some random thurs or fri a few weeks back.

Plus i was listening to Fearless, I remember. :> 

Something I want to remember so i'll post it here.

"Well let's tell you some memories that were interesting from my prefect life.

Last time, when we had recess duty, you had to leave early to go eat. Then we would always run down to the canteen to eat. And when we run, we race. Then when we come back after recess, sometimes people would ask, so who faster? XD

Then another thing is that at the GO cannot anyhow let people go in. Then I always take my job too seriously. Then we were trying to block a few people last time. Now that I think back, we actually tried to block to Prefect Heads *facepalm* And they show us and then we don't let then they scold vulgar HAHAHAHA. Ok. .__. LOL. Anyway, next person was some random dude. I dunno he go in or what but he is just a student. Then he hide all around the pillars and stuff, then the 3 of us like hide and seek liddat and things. HAHA. Then i forgot if he got in lol. Then the next one is he come like kinda late for school already. Then he is supposed to go up the stairs to the hall that's nearest to the canteen. Then this time right, is actually 4 prefects. Cos the staircase nearest to the GO there also got mah. Then that boy hor (he damn fair and his eyes damn small and he was very short) he went everywhere but that staircase. Then we kept blocking him off and stuff. Then we like keep blocking lah, shouting lah. Then when we all were like, "GO TO THE HALL." Then he run like some rocket so fast, to the correct staircase. That boy siao one. But I'm sure we were as well. 

Then another thing was that time when we were told by OM Chua to go ask these few boys at the fitness corner there to come down. Then they dunwan come down. Then one of them scratched me. Then after a while, OM Chua came and then scold them then they scared and go up. But it really hurt when they scratched. :<

And my voice must've been naturally loud, cos when I was doing duty then I kept shouting stuff like stop running and things. Then there was once when Mdm Lee came out (the the previous previous DM) and told me to be softer. XD Epic man lol.

Then there was once it rained, so the outside of the GO door frosted. Then I went and draw crazy stuff on the door. Then he told me to stop it lah but i was having so much fun I ignored him HAHAHA. And continued drawing until he joined as well. Then the door alot of spirals. XD

Then the final thing was when in the past, there were these pots of plants. I think recently they were already removed. But anyway, we found some really small super white mushrooms. Then he was telling me how the mushrooms were super poisonous and if you touch you would die in 3 days. I think they really were poisonous. But I don't think touch will die. :/ I still dunno haha. But they were very interesting. :> Then they were gone. :("

Epic remembering. Thanks. XD Anyway, this is for me to huai nian next time and hopefully I'll remember even without this. Anyway right, I shall say something. The fishball noodle shop in RSS i have the recipe for the soup. A big pot of water. Put in a few drops of black sauce. Finito. :D 

*super sarcasm* Yup! Try it at home!!!! XD

Ok bye. :D

Qianhui's dedication!

This is Qianhui's dedication! :D Sorry it took so long i really have no energy or motivation. T_T Emo all the time sighs. Anyway...