Childhood friend romance manga discussion+Hinamori stabbing rant

Herro.
So if you've seen my previous posts, they've basically been ranting or reminiscing, but I've decided to just discuss one of my favourite things... MANGA/ANIME.

So this is about genres and stuff haha.
So while I have and do read the popular shounen manga, I actually really love shoujo manga as well. The fuzzy feeling some can give you is really awesome. And out of all kinds of love, one of my favourite is the "childhood friends to lovers" love. Like honestly, I personally believe that to be successful in a relationship, you must not only be lovers, but friends as well.
It's sad to say that I don't have any friends (boys or girls actually) that have stuck with me for my whole childhood. In pri 2, we were separated to our pri 3 classes and I was the only one in 3/8. One of the sadness moments in my pri school life. :( And now that I've moved COMPLETELY away from anyone, this remains but a fantasy and fangirl material lol.
So here are a few couples who are childhood friends who progressed to become lovers:

SHOUJO

LAST GAME: Yanagi and Kujou
 

*This is one of my favourite shoujo manga EVER. It combines how the male has a love-hate relationship initially and how he protects and loves her ever since he met her. But unfortunately, this one of most dense mangas I must have ever read lol. But it's really awesome in my opinion. A must read if you like fuzzy stuff fufufu.

STARDUST WINK: Anna and Sou and Hinata


*Ahhhhh. Stardust wink is not that impressive but it's pretty nice. This is basically a love triangle between childhood friends and as usual, the 2 guys are sooooo popular at school and the girl is just the girl hahahaha. But it's pretty fun to read, though I got really mad at the teacher and the guys. =___=

KOI DANO AI DANO: Hijiri and Himeno


*Unfortunately, these 2 aren't the main characters but I did love the recent chapters that discussed this which led to THIS SCENE HERE THAT JUST MAKES ME SO HAPPY. Like the main characters are in this immensely intensely denseness that nothing is gonna happen for a long LOOOONG time and these 2's progress was so great. But this manga in general is not your typical shoujo manga and the lead is smart and there's quite a bit of plot in this manga. It can be wordy I guess. Because while typical shoujo manga takes me like 5-8 mins to read a chapter (40 pages typically), this one takes around 10+ mins. It's not a bad thing, just that it's special. :D Good change from the typical LOTS OF BIG PICS TAKING UP 5 PAGES CASUALLY. (Not raging, but it's ALWAYS the same.)

KIMI NI TODOKE: Chizuru and Ryuu


*So well they're not the main main characters, but they're pretty much main characters. (Did this sentence even make sense?) I love how Ryuu just declared in a bluntly-in-her-face way to Chizuru that he loved her. It was hard for Ryuu. T/\T Because initially, Chizuru loved his older brother and he knew. However, after like so many chapters, Chizuru began to realise that she loves Ryuu and she doesn't want him to leave. Ryuu's got it rough in this case but he's a great guy. Very mellow though hehe, while Chizuru is just very loud and excited. :) Like a little kid. Kimi ni todoke is great manga too. One of the most slice-of-life mangas ever with nice and awesome characters.

SHOUNEN





FULL METAL ALCHEMIST: Edward and Winry

*While FMA didn't really focus on romance, I always shipped Edward and Winry. I MEAN, don't they look great together. XD But also, you can tell how much they support each other, especially after the incident when they were kids. In the end, he marries her too so that's a great ending. =v=

BLEACH: Hinamori and Hitsugaya


*OH SWEET KUBO. So, the one reason why I couldn't get a better canon picture for Hitsugaya and Hinamori is because Kubo freaking kills Hinamori every time she appears honestly. I'll show pictures in the end. But anyways, another reason is cause Bleach doesn't focus on romance, so it's really just up to fans to fantasize and ship which is what I'm doing, yay. So I love how Hitsugaya really tries to protect Hinamori and Hinamori also cares for Hitsugaya but honestly it shows more on Hitsugaya's end. (Have I mentioned I really like him too?) Good news as well:  THIS MAGAZINE (an official kind) DECLARED THEIR RELATIONSHIP AS "ADMIRATION" WHICH IS LIKELY LOVE YAYYYYYYYY.

BLEACH: Rangiku and Gin


*As I mentioned above, a canon picture was hard to find for 2 reasons. 1) Gin and Rangiku were apart and enemies for most of the series, so a canon picture was hard to find. 2)Bleach is weak in romance. ( =.=) Well so technically, again, the guy is the protector but Gin is basically the best of them all. Why? Gin basically disguised himself as the bad guy for half his life and ended up dying because he wanted to solve things...

He was smart. He knew Aizen was freaking evil, so he wanted to protect Rangiku by being a spy. When Gin died, he broke my heart. This just means that Rangiku's love is official never gonna happen. *cue glass break sound effects*

Ok and now I present the "Hinamori: I almost died (again)" collection:



1) Gin almost kills her (I wonder if he would have done it) when she is grief-stricken after being tricked into thinking that Hitsugaya killed Aizen. She is unconscious after Hitsugaya hits her and Gin tries to stab her, but Rangiku protects Hinamori. She then spends many chapters and episodes unconscious.



2) Aizen actually stabs her when she finds him. Then Hitsugaya arrives to see her already stabbed and unfortunately, Hitsugaya is defeated there as well.



3) OK NOW SHE IS BEING STABBED BY HITSUGAYA. MOST RAGE MOMENT. I WAS HOPPING MAD AND LIKE HEARTBROKEN WHEN THIS CAME OUT. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. Aizen used Kyouka Suigetsu to trick Hitsugaya into thinking he had stabbed Aizen. However, he used Hinamori. And you know what? When she was stabbed, she practically had every bone in her body broken from fighting Ayon. And she had not received treatment. Hitsugaya basically raged and broke down when he did this and the captains fighting Aizen were instantly down.

OK LEMME JUST SAY THIS. HINAMORI IS ALIVE NOW EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS GRAVELY INJURED. BUT I HAVE A FEELING SOMETHING LIKE THIS MAY HAPPEN AGAIN AND I WILL BE VERY UPSET. PLEASE KUBO. JUST SHOW HER WINNING A FIGHT FOR ONCE. CAN HITSUGAYA ACTUALLY SUCCEED IN PROTECTING HER? PLEASEEEEE?????

Rant over. OK, well other than my rant, these mangas are great and I hope that if you came looking for recommendations, you like them too!
Finally,



On this SDFHWOFHAOFIHBOI rage kind of note, byeeee.

Trouble is brewing

So today marked the day that my AP results would be released.
In great news, I passed both and got a 3/5 for English and a 5/5 for Chinese. Of course, the english was super hard and chinese was super easy so I sorta expected this. But I was just happy I passed both and they were both valid.
The first thing my parents said after hearing this was "Oh your english is worse than your chinese." which is statistically correct, but factually inaccurate. The exams are on such a different level and it would be most inappropriate to compare them at all. So, my father declared, "So since you've already taken your AP chinese exam, you can stop using chinese forever." Then silence ensued. This had long been a topic in our family. He insists that speaking bilingually will affect both languages as you speak, which is why he absolutely condemns singlish, even though he speaks it himself. Singlish is the essence of singapore. It is a way of life and while I understand why it's bad, it's definitely part of our culture. My father always criticizes Singapore for many things, including how Singapore has no culture, is so uptight and how the government takes so much money. I understand all these concerns but it's not ok to be hypocritical about it.
Furthermore, when he says that my english is bad, it's only when I'm at home, speaking to my family in an informal manner. I mean, after living in America for 2 years, my english is definitely no longer broken as singaporean english would be. It seems that I'm a mirror to my father. He gets angry about his own incompetence in the language and then berates me for it even though I don't have a problem with it. I don't know about him but I can be very flexible. I naturally switch between my singapore and american accent and when I mix my languages, I do it fluently too. I don't know what the deal is but apparently my father has been having trouble conversing with his co-workers and he thus blames his failure on me. I'm not him but he scolds me like I'm doing the exact same thing as him. And the worst part of all this? I'm the only one receiving all this reprimanding. My brother, who stupidly used chinese for the whole day even though that's what we were quarreling about, did not receive even a single scolding. Likewise for my mother.
Usually when something like this happened, I would lose my cool and start arguing and being absolutely downcast which would then make me receive another round of scolding for having a "black face". However, I was unusually calm and collected today. I did not even talk back; in fact, my brother and my mother actually argued for me. Alas, even though it was their mouths that opened, I received all the abuse. My father in his fit of anger, went out for almost the whole day and returned with the same frown upon his face as he spoke nary a word. And after we came back from dinner, he began the same threaten I've been receiving for a long time: "Since you like your chinese so much, you can just go back to singapore! See whether you die anot." The only difference about this time is that he has claimed that he has already booked air tickets and he even sent me a link about transfering back. While it may seem like nothing to the reader, it seems quite serious. But whatever it is, this just adds to my stress.
Let's say that I really am forced to go back. I am in the middle of nowhere in my education. Since US's and SG's educations do not correspond, I am left to hands of all those placement tests. And honestly, I think we all know that I am so screwed if I take one of those placement tests. The difference in standards in the educations are phenomenal and I am bound to plummet from a former above average student to a failing student who knows less than half the material being covered. I will fail because of the difference. The worse part is that I think that even hard work will make it hard to recover the lost time and lost knowledge that I had not gained. I've always been a good school and striving for the best but if I come back I'm screwed. Another thing is that if I had finished at least high school, I could try to apply for a singapore university but since I wouldn't be if I were to return now, I would have to go to JC and I would be in a really bad school. Or worse, I may have to go back to secondary school. (Very likely indeed)
I already have to worry a ton for my university entrance stuff in America and if I have to deal with this, I will definitely break. All this moving here and there and everything will and has messed with my life to much already. I've had enough.

The Girl's Confusion

The girl did not understand people.
The girl was absolutely confused after going to a new place.
Words were found to be completely empty.
Lies were small talk and expected from you. Anything other than the expected and favoured lie would be reciprocated with a rather negative reaction.

The girl did not understand people.
The girl was absolutely confused after going to a new place.
Hypocrisy was the norm.
People say many empty things:
A girl without make-up is the prettiest girl.
Yet you always see that the girls who put on makeup are more likely to find a boyfriend.
Only friends that insult you with swear words are your best friends.
Yet one too many times has it been heard that they were seriously insulting each other.
"You did so good!"
Yet what they actually think in their minds are completely different.

The girl was particularly upset with the question, "How are you?"
It is the most empty greeting you can give someone.
The girl never understood why people asked that question, especially since most people who ask that are unconcerned with the other individual's life in the first place.
Even more impressively, the girl once experienced a time where when she replied she was having a bad day, the person who asked her the question just said, "Oh, good! I'm glad to hear you're alright."
The girl struggles to accept this fact.
The girl struggles to understand.
However, the girl has no choice but to conform to this. For she lives in an area where this is the norm.

The girl is upset.
The girl wonders why she cannot make friends as easily.
The girl watches as her friends left and right are all treated nicer then she is when she talks to others.

The girl is fat.
The girl is undesirable.
The girl is scary.
The girl is blunt.
The girl is unpopular.
The girl is ugly.
The girl is not funny.
The girl is intimidating.

The girl longs to be slimmer.
The girl longs to be desired.
The girl longs to be less scary.
The girl longs to be more delicate.
The girl longs to be popular. (Or at least liked by close friends, which seems far)
The girl longs to be pretty.
The girl longs to be funny.
The girl longs to be more approachable.

The girl has tried in some of these aspects but to no avail.
The girl is quickly losing hope.
Recently, the girl has realised that often, hard work/effort does not promise success.
The girl has recently realised that her goals or wishes are harder and harder to obtain.

This girl thus remains demoralized, fearful, exasperated, anguished, anxious, frustrated and saddened.

Bucket of negative feelings

Imagine being offered a task, and by working hard you would be rewarded with $1000. However, out of your group of 26, only 24 could receive the reward. It depended on your skill, your attendance and how you worked as a group. You had been working meticulously, attending every meeting, working on your own time, helping others, even sacrificing other commitments in order to meet expectations. Finally, judgement day arrives and despite working extremely hard, you realize that you have been chosen as the 2 who don't receive the prize. You are told by your boss, "It's not your ability that's the issue. It's just that with half the people in your section that are seniors and are likely to leave and miss this experience, yeah, I had to choose you." (And yes, he left it hanging somewhat, unwillingly to reveal the ugly truth.)

Yes this happened today. But what this was, was being cut from performing for a competition on one of the songs. As one who tries her best to be socially correct, I shake it off with a laugh and exit the room coolly, not making a big fuss, quickly accepting this fate I had been assigned. Afterwards, though, came the contemplation. My mind was like ground zero after a hurricane had furiously destroyed all existing thoughts. What could have possibly resulted in my removal from the choir? My mind was in ruins because I was not used to this. I was decided as the worst choice and removed. Other than softball (because I am less athletically inclined), I have rarely ever been eliminated or picked as the last resort or selected as the worst. So I narrowed down the reasons. Perhaps I had bad vowels? Perhaps I had bad technique? Perhaps I had bad breath support? Perhaps I was so quiet that it didn't matter if I was there or not? I didn't know the answer. To me, I've never seen myself as amazing in anything. I have never been the top for anything so I wouldn't consider myself good at all. Perfection would be the goal. I blame this perfectionist attitude I have as a result of influence from my parents, for I have never received much praise from them at all because I have never been the best. Then after looking fault in myself, I began looking fault in others. Personally, I was maddened because I was sure I had put in so much more effort in practising than many of the others in my section. Furthermore, some of them had even complained to me and skipped practices, or simply take any small excuse as a reason for skipping practice. On the other hand, I have skipped softball practices everyday in order to come to practices. But as the situation reveals, I doubt any of the sacrifice I've made actually paid off. I didn't need to be there. It's not like I was unable to sing the songs right. I had it memorized and everything. The other reason which infuriated me was that some people, when asked to sing alone (which tested their individual memory/skills) for their own part, actually forgot the lyrics and disappeared in the middle of song, due to their incompetence. I hadn't forgotten any lyrics. (And anyway, the individual performance probably didn't influence his decisions for this removal) I did fairly well. But no, I'm the one who gets cut.

Other than me, there are 6 spots for people to fill as alternates, which would be the euphemistic way of "You have not met expectations in a certain way, so you're not needed." A girl had been taken out of 2 songs due to her bad attendance while the 2 other boys, as I have observed, were weaker singers. This just narrows down the possibilities of why I was cut to one reason: I was lousy and my skill wasn't enough. No matter how he may try to sugar-coat it and claim that he may have randomly picked me, I'm sure I wasn't good enough, and that just brings me down. I can say firmly that I have been working hard in terms of training my voice and things, but no matter how hard I try, nothing seems to be working. It's the same for softball as well. I feel like I would never be great.

For me, it really honestly does not concern how hard I work. Because I always work extremely hard, and I even have confirmation from teachers and others.

I've come to conclude that a new saying that can be added to my list of hated motivation quotes people say would be: "Hard work (or the process) is more important than the result." This quote is basically crap. No one cares how hard you work, they want you to work fast, smart and produce excellent results. Even if you fall a thousand times in practice and get up to work again before going on the field to play a game and you unfortunately allow 3 runners to home-run, no one is going to tell you that it was fine because you worked hard. If you go out to work one day and you lose a whole project, your boss isn't going to tell you that everything's fine because you had worked exceptionally hard. No one, is going to tell you that in fact.

I'm so done. I skipped homework to write this and I would definitely continue to rant for hours but the sleep pangs have begun to hit and I need to sleep.

And again, I bet this year's birthday is gonna be plain and boring because no one bothers to remember.

Other than my petty complains, I hope that you the reader are having a good time. And if it sounded formal, it was supposed to haha  I was trying to write this like a super ap english kind of recount.

Anyways,
Good night and I hope your life is going better
Sherlyn

River of Memories

Row we row down the

River of memories

Ripples show images

Reflecting past times

Disappear they disappear

Disrupting each other 

Dismally as new replaces the

Darling dear old

Tremble we tremble as

Tears descend and 

Tear our hearts in

Two little pieces 

Left, you left as you

Leapt off the boat

Leaving me all alone, no

Longer knowing me anymore

Loveless

Hey yall.

If you know me, you'll know that I have a relatively dead love life. In SG, it wasn't that uncommon. Everyone stayed single. (Not sure about now though)
So the girls in softball nowadays ask me about my love life. And I have no answer. And guess what, that actually led to me being here.
Everyone can lie about how everyone is beautiful and how people accept you no matter how you are but in the end, the results speak the loudest. I don't even know why people seem to be afraid of me or go away from me. I really haven't done anything to them. My mother tells me that my face just looks angry/scary half the time, so I guess that's why. But honestly, the other half of the time, I just find the people so stupid and irritating so I guess that's a problem too.
But back to the reason why I'm sad/scared. I'm not like super sad though. Because I'm just not happy. It's an odd empty feeling.
So I read about this one syndrome that makes you feel no love for anyone. It scares me to think I might have that. Because for such a long time, I haven't feel an ounce of love for a guy. Even to family, I don't have that kind of love feeling I guess. I don't know what it is supposed to feel like for family. But I do know that I would be distraught and worried sick if anything happened to them.
Then the other thing to be sad about is that I've given up. Many times people quote stuff about love, I quote about friendship. I don't know how much I meant to you, but I do know that many of you don't know how much you meant to me. I really, really loved spending time we some of you and I'm desperately trying to keep in contact with many of you, because some of you have already disappeared and gone without a trace. But it is absolutely tiring to be the only one trying. It's not like I'm completely alone here, but you will always hold a special place in my heart. You have no idea how awkward it is to participate in a conversation when you have nothing you understand or connect to. At this point, I bet many people had thought to themselves, "Well don't do that then." Then it would result in them leaving. I know, some might say again, "If people really care, they wouldn't leave." True, I must say. But if no one initiates, everything ends right there. Honestly, I guess it's just time for me to stop. I have to let go. What do I expect? For everything to remain the same as before? No way that can happen.
You know how most shows involve people who have lifetime friends who've always been together? My dreams for that shattered twice. First when I was in p2 and I was the only person from 1/5 to go to 3/8, and when I moved. I bet one day I'll be all alone, no true loyal and caring friend, nor a guy to love me. It's easy to say and think of solutions, but honestly, I don't think I can pull it off because my confidence level has been shot down to the absolute zero, by various things.
When I say I'll be forever alone, I mean it 80%.

I know it's my fault, but loveless I shall remain due to my cowardice.






Sorry if I seem creepy.

-Sherlyn

If you see this, you know who you are and I love you.

I wish you would open your heart.
I wish you would tell me what's wrong.
I wish you would complain to me much more.
I wish I could shoulder some of your troubles.
I wish you would be able to feel happier.
I wish you would have a much easier time.
I wish I could make things easier for you.
I wish that you wouldn't think I'm not trying.

I worry for you.
I wish you could smile more often.
But anger gets in the way of trying to help.
And when anger gets in the way,
I fear losing you completely.
Especially since I already can't see nor touch you physically.

I wish I could give you what you need.
Even a simple hug,
If that would make you feel a thousand times better.

I wish things weren't so complicated.
I wish you'd let me.

And lastly,
I'm sorry.

I'll be your best friend and you'll be my valentine.

Hey.
This is kinda pathetic haha. So anyway, to any bloggers that stop by, Vampirestat is a spam website. Do not link to it or you'll also suffer from it's spam. It pretends that your blog has viewers but it isn't true. It's just fake traffic. And that brings me back to why this is pathetic. The views are only the spam that it brought. No one else visited the blog. Haha...haha........

Well. I am sad again today. Well it feels like I'm never anyone else's number 1. I doubt I ever was. Especially with how I am. I really don't know anymore. People would say, "Yeah you need to boost your self-confidence and be more positive."

What if I can't?

Self-confidence is when you actually have something to be proud about. But no matter how proud you are, it's no use if no one else actually thinks so.

"So what if people don't think you are good? Someone will think so."

Ha...HAHAHA. Sorry but you may most definitely be wrong. What if there isn't anyone? What if there was someone but that person was simply a sympathetic person who tries to be nice? What if they could only half-heartedly care for you? I don't know. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.

Being positive.
I agree I'm very EXTREMELY negative. But I'm afraid to be positive. Almost 70% of the time when I tell myself that something will go alright or that something will go "this-way", it fails. It won't. But when I'm negative, the results actually go right. A personal moral I like to live by:

If you don't expect anything, the result is sweeter. Expectation brings disappointment.

I'm sometimes even afraid to hope for things. Like I was hoping that when my school year starts, I'll be able to make more friends and such and looked forward to some stuff. But I stopped. I was afraid that everything would backfire. Everything would fall apart and I would be alone again. I dunno. I wonder if I'm making everything just about me. What if it's just me being selfish? What if I'm paranoid.
One thing's for sure. I overthink way too much. I know.







And honestly. Anyone who says nothing is impossible, try jumping down the eiffel tower or some tall building, no equipment, purely yourself and survive. Go try it. Or stay underwater without equipment for a day. Just yourself again. Go try it. Succeed and tell me again.

Kthxbai,
Sherlyn

Shouldn't I...

Shouldn't I let go?
Shouldn't I stop caring so much?
Shouldn't I understand that nothing can be changed?
Shouldn't I stop whining about everything?
Shouldn't I try to live my existing life now?
Shouldn't I stop dreaming?
Shouldn't I convince myself that I'm alright?
Shouldn't I stop worrying?
Shouldn't I just go with the flow?
Shouldn't I be more social?
Shouldn't I stop being cooped up in the past?
Shouldn't I accept reality?
Shouldn't I think positive?
Shouldn't I stop thinking about all of you?
Shouldn't I stop regretting?

Shouldn't I move on?


"Having self-confidence/self-esteem is basically lying to yourself, believing it and feeling good about it."

Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down

Hi.
So let me say foremost that it was interesting that I told myself, I'm going to write this blog post while listening to Taylor Swift's fearless album. And as of now, I'm really in a bad mood. I realized that this album calms me. I fell asleep while listening to it too. (in a good way of course) So I thought, breathe would be a nice song to listen to. So I put the album on shuffle and guess what... It was nice enough to play breathe for me on the first pick. :)

Ok so from now on, it's gonna be a rant post. And it's not pretty. I can imagine eyes rolling. But well who's here anyway? That's probably why I'm still willing to type it all out here. Also cos I need to vent. It's come to the point where complaining to a webpage seems like the best choice.

So. In like 10 days or so I'm coming back to singapore. Oddly for me, although it's what I've been longing for the entire time, when I first received news, I wasn't excited at all. I honestly wasn't. And it's not because I don't love SG anymore. I really didn't understand why I wasn't excited. Completely confused. But after 2-3 days I picked myself up and said, OK, let's go plan outings because it's been so long since I've seen anyone. But I hesitate so much. Why you may ask? The answers simple. 1) I don't know how to contact anyone. 2) Has everyone gotten tired of each other? Do they no longer want to meet because it's a waste of time?

So many questions shrouded my head. I didn't know what to do. At first I thought, "What if I just invite some people then the rest are like, 'Eh you never invite me?'" Because that happened at the farewell party. And some people were sad. But in the end, I've realized this may not hold true anymore. It was utterly foolish of me to think that everyone was still the same. Things have changed more than I think they have. Everyone's moved on, except for me, and gone on with their lives. These things that once occurred are no more than memories, or they may even have been forgotten. I mean, it's true. If you didn't like it too, why would you hold on? If there are new more available and better choices, why hold on to the old ones? It's simple human nature and common sense.

The only way relationships can be established solidly is most definitely through direct physical communication. Not wanting to sound all mumbo jumbo here but it's the truth. I've learnt and observed it many a time. When online, the person can fake anything they want to. Like seriously, that's why they always joke and say



It's the truth actually. You can fabricate yourself to be anything you want. You can be the sweetest girl on the internet and the biggest bitch in real life. One could even go to the extent of making yourself who you consider your ideal self. Why? Because it's possible on the internet. So, I really don't know who to believe anymore.

Many people say things, but do they mean it is another question. In order not to 害 myself anymore, I won't state why I state this though. But I meant every word  said.

I don't want to sound all self-pitying and crap while I post this here and seem like I'm fishing for cheerup shit but I want to say this. So I'm gonna put this down and say it in all honesty, no matter how much I deny this.




I honestly did that. I told myself, it's fine, I'll manage.

If you're from SG or another country other than US, you may not know this. You actually change classes so it means that instead of staying with the same bunch of people for every class, it changes constantly. And in every class there's like 20-30 people usually.

Do you know how it feels to be alone in almost every one of those classes? Well I guess then you'd say I should make an effort to make friends. Follow up question: Do you know how hard it is to make friends when you don't have anything to say to them?

"Talk about shows."
"Talk about hobbies."
"Talk about yourself/the person."
"Compliment them."
"Find similar interests."

It's easy to say. I know some of you know this... I don't/can't watch show that people do watch here. Mostly no. Why? Because I'm not allowed to.
Hobbies? Well I'm gonna say this in application to the rest of the advice given. Have you ever tried doing that? Do you know how seriously awkward is that when you ask that person that? Have you ever seen the person giving you the look when you ask stuff like that? I'm telling you, that crap only works on the first day you meet people. And newsflash: As a sophomore (2nd year), many people already have friends. Another newsflash: You do not want to be friends with some of the people there.
It's all so frustrating.
Yes maybe I'm socially awkward. Do you know how hard it is to move to a foreign land? Do you know how difficult it is to fit in? Do you know how stressful it is when people constantly stare at you even though all you're doing is walking and breathing? "Maybe they think you're pretty." To the people who say that, you're either trying to be nice and encouraging/ you've never seen me. I'm far from the definition of pretty. There are more girls that bother to dress up, more girls that bother to beautify themselves. Why stare at me? Obviously cos there's something wrong with me.

I've been depressed. Like really. Loneliness is killing me. The fact that I realized, that when I thought that psychological diseases were easy to cure and that it was just the person who rejected treatment, was wrong, I knew I understood it, for I personally went through it.

I find myself quite pathetic. I feel so overjoyed when I chat with someone and feel real happy. Should I be content? I should. But it feels pathetic. I don't know what to say anymore. It's never right.

And right now. I know how I feel.
In all due respect, I do not mean any racist comments or anything. I think it's something I read from a book about historical events. (To kill a mockingbird I think)
The kid who is half-white and half-black.
He/She is treated badly or differently by both sides. The whites dislike him because he's half black, and the blacks dislike him because he's half white. Nobody wants/likes him. He doesn't belong anywhere.

That's how I feel now. I'm forgotten or at least no longer belonging in SG, and I'm never truly belonging here either. It's true when they say family is the one that's truly there till the end.

Speaking about this, I had a panic attack last winter. What is a panic attack?



I really just told myself I'm going to die. I was so freaked out. Couldn't eat much, couldn't do much. Just fear and breathing real hard. But I didn't want to do much about it. Because it's not much. Now I just try to avoid this topic. I really don't know. See now I'm worrying, right at this very moment that I'm annoying some of you because I sound like I'm just trying to get people to worry and say like "oh you poor thing". I don't know either. What if I want you to worry? (Though I'm not. I'm sorry it's 12am, I'm not making sense)

Education here is much simpler, but admission to a college is much more difficult. I've learnt from p6 that admission is never easy. I was careless. I should've studied more. Everyone tells me I did well for PSLE. But it sure didn't feel that way. My whole class got like 250+++. I felt really inferior. I should've. I deserved it. I ended up in Anglican High. It's not bad. But you know it's not that good a school already. Because unless you're in duman, raffles or nanyang, hwachong, you're still nothing. People know the listed ones, but rarely the others. So I'm determined this time, to make a difference. But do you know how stupidly difficult it is to get into a good school? Firstly grades on a normal basis. To get a high GPA (like a point system for grades) you have to take lots of AP and Pre-AP classes. (advanced placement) And although you have to be smart to do so, it's not equal to me. It's like not equal at all. So you're ranked according to that. So you have to be top 10% to be in direct admission. I'm at the 20-22% mark. Not close enough, I'm not. My project SAT score based on my PSAT isn't enough for me to go into UT. I haven't got an ounce of community service since I got here. And telling them "I didn't know I had to do some." Isn't going to cut it. It makes you look like you're doing it for the sake of it. And the only club that I'm in now or like thing is choir and I'm in chamber which is good but still. It's only one thing. I'm stressing over this so much because my parents don't believe me when I say this process is real and it's THAT hard to get into one. Especially UT. So I really don't know what to do anymore.

Anyway, this 1 hour session of typing has led me to 12:18am now. So I'm going to head off to sleep. This is like a super calm rant haha. But still, everything I said was in all honesty and truth.

So goodnaga (if you watched spongebob's prehistoric episode haha),
Sherlyn