I need to try to show some of my vent up feelings

Ok. If any of yall were up late enough, you might have seen my tweets about my dream. Well, it wasn't good. In fact, it was so bad I cried. Literally, in the dream and in reality.
And as most of you know, I really hardly ever cry. So anyone who manages to do so, I can only say bravo to you.
Ok so now, after a round of applause, may I tell you more about it.

*Note: This dream is all over the place and means no ill intention to anyone or anything. This is the work of my subconscious mind.*

Ok. It started off at my grandma's house. I don't exactly remember who was there but I'm sure a whole handful of random people I met in my life were there. Then we were just hanging around just talking, like seriously, standing around. Then it was like the living room looked 3x bigger than it really is haha. XD Ok, then suddenly, one of my squadmate flew in from a window and kept screaming that a snake was coming. Then I looked out of the window and i saw a really huge snake. Then everyone ran in the house (some were outside) and we all tried to close the window. But the window was kinda like you had to put a bamboo mat to fit nicely (not true in real life but as i said this is a very messed up version) then we failed cos we were all panicking. But we still got the snake to be outside luckily. Then one of my uncles brought a friend of his i think. And for some random reason, my grandma's house had a basement door outside her house and he remember and wanted to open it. But he was like, "Oh shit I forgot the key." And the funniest thing about this part was that he was freaking calm when he said this. Then apparently the two were eaten by the snake. But I didn't picture it. When this part ended, it suddenly skipped to the hall of RSS. But what was confusing was that firstly, it was a mixture of RSS and AHS people at the time. Then Ms Sobrielo was the one with the mike that day. Then she asked my CCA people to say a few words about winning the zone com for SJAB. (it wasn't my batch but in this case it was for some reason) So the same squadmate (i shall not mention who haha) went up with me bcas apparently there were 2 teams and stuff, shall not elaborate. Then she started off saying stuff and like how she usually speaks at times like this, she took a damn long time. So while she was speaking, I tried to formulate something I wanted to say to my team. And it's like, I think this was kinda before I left that type of feeling or something but I dunno. Then when it was finally my turn, I wanted to say what I wanted to, but bcas in this dream ms sobrielo was unusually mean (haha), she snatched the mike and said something like, "Why need 2 people? We don't have all the time in the world!" <--This was in a hushed yelling tone. Then she cut me off like that. Then it was like what I wanted to say was something like, "To my dearest team, I know that although I can't go to competition with yall, I want to at least let you know I care and that i will be there to try and help as much as i can despite all that's happening." (and somemore but i cant really remember and i dun wish to fabricate anything) Then i was sent down to the seats again. Then when i sat down I was absolutely horrified and crushed. Crushed is the best word i feel. So for some reason again, I was sitting beside Jiaying and another girl I forgot who, then I told JY that I was gonna cry, then i started bawling and blabbering like an idiot and saying stuff like, "All I wanted to do was wish them the best. I already lost all chance to go comp with them so can't I just give them my best wishes." Then as the usual RSS system, they so called call the classes to go back with an order one. So my row (my supposedly class) was first. Then for some reason one of my seniors was at the back and he hissed at me like I not very sure why he said those words but he was mocking me and he was angry. Then I screamed back at him in a very pissed voice. Then we all ended up pissed. Then on the way i cried all the way. But in this dream, no matter who stared, I cried the whole time without shame, or control. So I was crying the whole way there. Then my class was the 6 care classroom if I remembered correctly. Corner, nearest to the toilet and stairs. Then my classmates I saw was a mixture of people from p3-6. I saw Kelvin, Edmund, Zhong Lim, Ryann, QianHui and somemore but they were not exactly clear. Then we were supposed to sit down and Qianhui was sitting next to me, while i was still crying. Then I woke up. And I was a little surprised I was actually crying for real. Cos I only remember crying like crazy in the dream.

Well, all I can say is that this is the true pent up feelings in my heart. I think my feelings have an auto-lock. Like cos whenever I think of something like this, I will tear up awhile, but it seems that I can't seem to get rid of that feeling in me. It's like it's intentionally hiding inside trying to continue to make me sad. Like as I type this now, I'm really genuinely sad. I even feel like I could really cry. But nothing will flow out. Nothing. I don't know why. And I know full well this ain't some trivial matter.

I told Qianhui about this before. If I think about my life now, it is probably most of what I ever asked for. I asked for the ability to buy (almost) whatever I want, to be able to cook, to be able to have at least one social website, and more I'm sure. These came true. But as I've always said a good thing comes with a bad thing. And if this really is the case, I really can and is willing to throw this away.

You know those shows where the main character gets a few wishes and she makes them and realises that they were wrong and by some miracle she reverts her life to normal as she mends her errors? Well, I would be overjoyed if my life now was the case. But as we all know-this is a whole bunch of shit that only happens in fairytales or the fiction world.

I'm really tired. I can only say I hate everything now. I know I'm an asian. But why must everyone stare at me like I'm some big time criminal. I didn't do a shit. Ok? I'm just trying to live normally. What is the problem? Then is like somemore, ok i bhb abit, I'm smart. And this is the formula for everyone to hate me. What? Simple, a smart asian. I know well enough people don't like smart people. Especially here.

And my father is also running out of stuff to threaten me (LOL). Now he can only say, I'll send you back to Singapore. And as usual my awesomely weird brain starts to formulate a plan on how to survive. I had decided that staying at a relative's house was a no no for me unless desperate. Then I remember how alot of people were telling me I could stay at their houses. But I was like, I couldn't let them just take me in and pay everything for me. I even thought of stuff like, Oh I'll have to borrow money, I'll have to ask my teacher to put me under those schemes things and stuff. Then I also thought about going to the Anglican House cos it would be near the school and things. Then i also thought of methods of income. I was like either I work at Mos Burger (cos it was the only place where I saw that said they would hire people of 14 years old haha) or that I'll make stuff and get people to buy it and things. That was how far I've thought it through. There you have it, you've just got a preview of my plans for a very super duper IF situation.

Well, my brain and everything's pretty messed up now. And I'm super concerned about looks nowadays. Cos I'm like super fat already and it's like I'm in high school. And everyone at high school pretty much are very pretty. And somemore all of them put make up. And I have 0% of fashion sense so I'm screwed. And like them staring is lowering my self esteem even more. So my clothes are plain. But as I've known and tried before, I wear plain clothes or nice clothes all also kena stare. I know I'm ugly so please leave me alone. I'm hurt enough.

I'm very tired. My usual self is crumbling. Though you won't see it. And I'm like super insecure now. Cos I have been over-analysing everything. TBVH, everytime I talk to any of yall, I will always be like super careful of what I do cos I'm like trying to maintain this relationship we still have that is now connected by this really thin thread that will wear out very soon. That's why I always feel very insecure. Like I always over think stuff and no matter who or what I always feel like I'm boring you out. Anyone also. And I'm like super afraid that everything will be different once I come back. I'm very sure there won't be one relationship that will remain as if untouched once i return. It is the inevitable truth. And although there is nothing I can do, I can only dread. And is like I'm keeping myself awake at night mostly just so I can talk to you guys. I wake up earlier not only to please my mom, but to also talk to you guys. But as usual it's never the same and it's never enough. I'm really greedy I know, but this is one of the human traits I can't avoid. It's 1am here... haizz. And I really dunno why I'm getting so lazy. I really don't understand. I really want to understand how I feel. I want my life to go back to how it was. I really want to struggle with my studies again, I want to go CCA again and have fun though times may be hard. I want to do everything we did in school. I want to laugh with you guys again. Shit tears are really flowing already... Anyways, I shall end this post of self-pity and go to sleep. To any of you who actually read the whole post, thanks for enduring all my crap.

Have a nice day.

Update

Hi guys. Sorry for the missing posts and stuff. I ain't exactly in my tip top condition and like i'm feeling bad and unwell and stuff so my posts will be delayed. But i promise that they WILL come. It will take time though. I'm sorry. I just can't find the motivation to do ANYTHING. And I'm very lost and stuff so I'm still sorry... Anyway, I've decided I will definitely write back to the people who wrote letters to me. Thanks guys i went through the presents that day and almost cried all over again. Yup I have never ever cried this much in my whole life i'm sure. They really warmed my heart. <3
Thanks again. :)

Pictures from p1-6 :D UNGLAMS MWAHAHA

Well this is gonna be fun... Ok. I just happened to find these adorable pictures of some of us...
*evil laughs* Yes these are all p1-6 pictures at RSS. Bwahaha unglams unleashed.

Ok this one the people I recognise and remember: Feria, me, shaun, kian quan, amanda, clarence, qiming, grace, lucas. Yeah those i see and recognise.

Ok here is around the same people again. This time the extra i think is gift, pauline, claudia, jaydrien. Yup.

Here we have Felinda. :D

Zong Ming and Nicholas

Darren Lin, Andrew and Eric. Yes Darren Lin you are still a sissy. XD

I think that closest person is Zhong Lim. Then is Angela, Feria, Sonia and Luyi.

Xin Yun and Queenie. :)

Ching Yong if I'm not wrong. Han lao shi's son.

P4/8 class pic. :)

Serene and Xing Yi

Me and Xing Yi. I still remember she broke out laughing after the picture. I forgot what she found so funny haha. Tsk tsk. XD

*blows whistle* Hui Jun in a sari. Background with yu lao shi.

Just us girls from group B after the little india trip. The other group doing their questions. :P

Ms Sobrielo! :D And gaga dunno laughing at what. XD

Darren, p1 or 2 i dunno.

Amanda. ^^

Shaun Teo Yu Li. For some reason i can remember his whole name haha. XD

Darren and Shaun. I dunno why Shaun is like scrunching his face but this is a funny picture. XD

Classroom.
With Isabella, gift and Cherie. This is p2.

This one is Rui Chen in the front. Then behind is Mdm Rosita, Johann, Dylan and Isabella again.

Dylan, Isabella, Johann, Kenneth and Yao Zu.














Starting from here is all the pictures from the stamp museum.

Isabella, Teo something....and Navia. I'm so sorry I can't remember your name! >.<

Same group+Amanda

Dylan.

Kimberly and Rachel. :)

Kian Quan, Clarence and Jaydrien.

Xavier, Liang Wen, Genevieve and Gift.

Calvin, Cherie, Reyna and Amanda. :D

Yes this is Calvin getting eaten by the head. XD This mouth when close by right is give you a stamp one. We stamped on the back of our hands.

大人。

Paparazi 大人. Everyone was trying to take pictures of each other without being caught ourselves. The simplicity of children. Bliss~ :D

Reyna. So radiant hor. ^^

Cherie.

Messy class yes. :)

Same peepo again...

Liang Wen. :)

Shaun again. New person in front, Justin.

I think is Shermaine, Wei Xun (not sure) and Rachel. Rachel was trying to dodge the shot. XD

Angelaa.

Felinda. :)

Feria. ^^

Both is Kampong Glam. Unfortunately, raining. ^

Zhang Xun. :) My closest senior from art club.

 Art Club pics. :)

 This here is one of my fellow Xing Yis. :D See she so serious! HAHA. XD

Kimberly. :)















Ok I've finished spamming these unglams. :) RSS-ians! Go tell the peepo here to check their unglams out! XD

Hey...

Hi guys.
I'm sorry I wasn't able to keep the promise of writing dedications finish by July... I'm sorry but recently I really have no motivation to do anything at all. I will finish them. A matter of time... I'm sorry. :( I would say I'm hitting an all time low for my feelings. It's really rough...
Sorry.

A little thing i wrote out of inspiration

友情就像火焰，当他们在一起，就会猛烈地烧着。但他们渐渐地分开时，火焰也开始熄灭了。剩下的，只是他们彼此的烧伤，这个想起都会痛的提醒物，来怀念我们从前度过美丽的时光。

My belief+extra random stuff yay

I have always believed that something bad will always happen after something good as occured. Let's say I was having a terrible day at school. Chances are that when i return home, it'll either be happy or normal with no arguements or scolding. Something like that.


Actually I have a lot of different concepts that I believe in. Another one is don't expect anything. Like seriously. That way you'll be a lot happier. 

There is this observation made by someone but i'm not sure who and when i saw it but anyways... The thing was that in a competition, there is always 1, 2, 3 positions right? By right most people would say the happiest  would go in the order 1-3. However that is untrue. Yes, the first place would be happy (if he was not he has a serious problem 0_0) but the second place person would be like emo-ing over the fact that he missed by just one position only. Like he'll keep dwelling over mistakes and stuff. On the other hand, the third position person would simply be happy that he actually GOT into the top 3. Lesson learnt? Be the best or don't expect anything/too much.

Ok that day my dear friend Liying was trying to cheer me up by asking me to read a blog post by this person who's popular. She was saying that people SHOULD dream and dare to try to achieve. But what she said was not wrong. It was the method. She says to simply like write out what you want 10 times everyday and sooner or later it'll work. Cos she says that by being negative nothing would be achieved and that by being positive, "good things will come'. YAY IM LIKE THE TOTAL OPPOSITE BEING ALL PESSIMISTIC AND SO. Ahem. Ok few major things wrong with this theory.

1) Imagine. You just simply wish for something like, "I wanna time travel./I want to land on the sun." Do you seriously think that it's possible? Even until you die? The time travel maybe lah but i think confirm cannot. But the sun one you think can? Oh sure I'll write that a 100 times a day and I'll land on the sun sooner or later. Yeah. When I landed, I died.

2) So everyone should stop working. Why you may ask? Since by using a piece of paper and pencil and writing 10 times is all i need, i should just wait patiently. Anonymous stated that you didn't even need to do anything. Okcan. Advice taken. Everyone stop dwelling over life. Let's all sit down in one circle and write "I wanna be a billionaire." Our problems are all solved. And in our spare time let's sing the Billionaire song just to pass time too. Please, I would provide paper and pencil for all the african children if that worked. And how to write, "I want food."

3) If this is meant to boost moods, I think it's demoralising for pessimistic people like me yay. Cos as everyday passes, it just remind us of how unreal and impossible this is. Then yay we give up.

But like really, seriously. Do you think it'll work? My mom supports me on this lol.

[Dear Christians reading this, this was written as a view and opinion and is not meant to be of any insulting or disgrace to God. I respect him and this was just a simple past event. Thanks for understanding. :)]
There was this incident once when during my kindergarden, which was a church kindergarden, and there was this teen who was giving a talk. She was talking about her exams. She said that she had been goofing off a while before the exams. Then when the dates came closer she realised she had to start studying. Then is like super rush. But she prayed for As and she tried to study the bit she could. Then her conclusion was that she ended up getting all As and it was all God's work. Then I was telling my Mom God was so good. Then she told me that she didn't like it. (She's a free-thinker) She said that that girl's action was not right. It does not mean that she can just slack for the whole year and when exams are coming she starts praying and her problems are solved. It's not right. The mentality was wrong.

I kinda hafta agree cos things don't exactly come that easy. Hard work is definitely involved.

The next thing. Luck. I think it is a very subjective thing.

Yay flashback time again... It was the SJAB walkathon thing. No more shall be said. Ok then I was sitting down with my division. We had these towel thingys that actually had some numbers and they were meant for a lucky draw. Ok now I was sitting with my no. 3, Nicole, and she was having a headache. So I helped her watch and listen for her number. It was like the rest of the schools had multiple people winning and our school was still 0. I was like hoping to win something lah, but nothing came as usual. But as i waited for Nicole's number, I had this nagging feeling that she would definitely win something. Anything. She would simply just get it. And I was right. The next thing i knew was that she won.

Another person again. 6Care register number pal Jiaying. :) She was lucky enough to meet JB if I'm not wrong.

And there was also this person who said this before. He said that millions are starving in Africa, yet in other countries and in our very homes, we are living life perfectly and we are wasting tons of food they could be eating. Why is that so? Why are some people simply born in poorer families? Why do some people have an easier life? Why do things just come to some people? Why is it that only that minority can have anything they want?

Yes some people do have things like these cos they earned it. I can understand that. But the rest I simply cannot comprehend.

Ok i shall stop grinding my brain with this useless stuff. :P About my dedications, the one to my squad shall all be emailed due to various reasons. Then next would most probably be to art club and then to individuals already. :> And yet again I'm really sorry if i did not mention about you cos I know we all had some great times but there would seriously be too many haha. Paiseh ah. :X

Anyway until then, (hopefully soon...)
Smile lots and lots and since I'm not writing a dedication on my blog to my squad I shall at least say this.

I LOVE TRIPLEONE. YOU GUYS WERE AN AWESOME SQUAD AND YOU WILL ALWAYS BE. NEVER FORGET ONE ANOTHER BECAUSE TRUE FRIENDSHIP IS FOREVER.
MAY OUR MEMORIES STAY GOLD FOREVER, AS WE KEEP MARCHING ON.
LOVE YOU GUYS LOADS. <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 (A HEART FOR ALL. :D)


Smiles,
Sherlyn ^^

Yo 1B-ians.

HEYO 1B.

Ok, to those of you haven't seen this picture. Everyone commented that the guys in the front were damn awesome in taking this photo lol. 

So then, 1B was first brought together awkwardly in 2011. Unlike when we were in primary school where most of us were like more not so awkward and stuff, when we first entered the classroom...It was total silence lol. I remember when i was whispering to Qianhui it felt damn awkward cos NO ONE else was talking at all lol. Then i was like damn '...' HAHAHHA. But as you can see from that picture we ended up all crazy in the end again haha. 

Well, as I said, everyone was awkward and silent in the start and stuff, but we all bonded during the sec 1 camp anyways. ^^  And all the epic 'adventures' throughout the year. XD 

Our class was also well known for sick people, literally and in the if you know what i mean way. XD A big thanks again to Delrine and Qianhui for letting us go first floor. HAHA. Yes it is epic. (no offence intended ahh) 

Another way, we were also known for sick ppl who like to think 'uncleanly' HAHAHHA. Yes zhangnian I'm talking about you. X)

We survived through many things...

We had a bird like teacher, who might be batman's sidekick, Mrs Rosemary Neo Robin. :)

Zhang Jiao and her super high pitched voice and chim chinese such that no one understood her. And her ridiculously high pitched, "1B!!!!!!!" Deaf liao. X.X HAHA.

Our ever changing chinese teacher, sun li, eddie and zhou li xin. Yes eddie was awesome with his epic april fool's day joke. Well i almost died of a heart attack. HAHA. Zhou li xin's slackiness and awesomeness too haha. The throw paper and yewteck was like，“我不小心失手。" And he's like ok nvm HAHA. And sun li's random appearances.

Ms Lim with her super fail outfits.Those who remember should know what i mean by she came in in a super red outfit that was all fluffy and puffy. Then got another one is the screwed up SNSD outfit where she wears like this light pink super tight outfit that exposes her underwear shape (ZHANGNIAN AHHH) with our class's favourite hairband. Then the screwed up barbie doll as well. LOL. And her other miscellaneous fail outfits that I'm sure she doesn't know of. :P (Christmas tree! @Zijun. ;D)

Mrs Chuah and her SUPER loud voice and constant nagging. 

Mrs Xie and her epic adventures. Her trips to the jail, florist and others. And the floating head. XD (BTW, it's cos she keep wearing all the clothes that make her look like she just took a trip to that place. And the floating head is cos she too short then when she walked by the lockers she look like she was just a head. XD) 

Mr Tan, the assistant Lit cher who has like clothes that look too tight for him sia.

Mr Chan, the assistant Eng cher who wears the same clothes 7 days a week. And drinks milk like a little boy. -__- I can't find an appropriate picture, cos he looks even more child-like than the pics lol. He was literally sucking from a straw to drink his milk. And he was like so close to the table that he had to bend over and drink it. Then I was like, "LIFT IT UP MAN." HAHA. 

Mrs Gayathri and her plastic smell. XD Seriously, that day she really smelt like that. HAHAHA.

Mdm Zee and her pissiness.

Zahara and Chetom. Remember Chetom and her, "You guys are noisy as hell." Something I will never forget man lol. Even Zahara was like, "Haizz. When she angry then die already." HAHA. 

Mrs Sng and her lessons with locking people outside. A thank you and i had a great time to my group, Delrine, Si Qi, Chong Han and Renzo. :) 

And thank you to Mdm Lur for her constant care and stuff. Plus a thank you and i had a great time yet again to my awesomest GCP group, Siqi, Zhang Nian and Jin Song. Haha thanks for going along with my crazy topic. XD (I'm not sure about the other GCP cher. :/)

Ok and then the next group of people i wanna thank is my Gan En Qing Chun group. :D Haha I had fun doing the video and the science project. But I must say one thing. Jinsong, do you really have to NG 5 times for a single scene of one sentence. -_- HAHAHAH. TBH, Junyuan and Yewteck were great at acting haha. XD

Okie here is a video of our group at that time...

Haha i can't really find the one we did on our show but anyways, when I do I'll try to upload it here. ;)

I must say that it was really fun to work with you guys. And me and qianhui were laughing at the guys right, cos that day they came to my house there to do the vid right, me and Qianhui all came in dark colours, then end up the 3 of them all came in orange, red and pink. And i was still telling Qianhui no way they wear so bright. XD HAHAHAHA i though wrong. LOL.

And then another is my GCP partner, SIYING. :D It was fun cooking with you. AHAHHAA sounds weird lol. XD But I enjoyed the times when we would like cook together and stuff. :) Then also have Siqi and Weiling opposite us and behind us Nicol and Aihui. 

Oh and I also enjoyed all the times we spent on talking about anime and manga with Noah and Seow Shuen. Although I can find people who also read manga now but it is still not the same lah. X) And a message to Noah, I AM READING ONE PIECE WAHAHA. And indeed i understand why you say chopper cute. BUT I SHALL SUPPORT HAPPY WAHAHAHA. 

Oh and to ZiJun and JingDa, I had fun in the start of the year where we sat in a line and laughed like crazy people. XD Suan ppl and stuff. :)

Cherilyn my toilet buddy! :D Spam toilet paper like siao. XD 

Then also Isabel my table partner! :D Yes I nag you and stuff. :) But i was thinking for you kays? I had fun talking to you as well. Remember that time so fail Mrs Neo wanted to change our places because she misheard my name for Caleen's. 

Koko! You were a wonderful support when I needed help as well. :) I really appreciate it and thank you so much! Must try to chill and dun so stressed k? ^^

And my mei mei, Gerilynn! And my da sao Qianhui who had a little something for my di di and gor gor. Yes our class family tree was messed up. XD 

Oh oh and I shall list out the RSS-ians in our class since there was quite a few. :)

Qianhui, Jing Da, Jia Yi, Shaun and Jerome. 

OKAY. NOW. I shall reveal the story of how half buddha got his name as well. 

We were having dizi lessons and as usual the teacher was so fail that almost no one was listening and stuff. Then me and Qianhui were sitting around the middle in that whole row of guys. Then half buddha and chong han were at the back and like all alone cos they weren't even talking to each other. So me and Qianhui turned behind and we started talking to them. Then like halfway, (dunno what we were talking about but anyway this suddenly came to topic) Chiyu was like talking about religion and stuff. Then he suddenly said, "I'm actually a half-buddha..." THEN WE ALL STARTED LAUGHING HAHAHA. And it has been proven that he actually responds better to Jimmy and half buddha when called. XD HAHAHA. 

Oh and another thing I wanna apologise about. Thinking back now, I was really mean to the NCC guys about their CCA and stuff so i would like to genuinely apologise. *bows* Paiseh ah. >.<

Okay to end off this 1B memory, I shall conclude with this AWESOME poem that me and qianhui wrote:

With a half buddha and a great god,

in addition to 2 aliens and a dog,

with 9 normal boys and 24 normal girls

our class can definitely make miracles. :)

I know some might be insulting but i'm sorry this was how it went and how it could actually rhyme. XD

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Anyway, I had really enjoyed this entire year we spent together. It was a bumpy ride but I'm sure as we looked back at the times we spent together, we all come to appreciate and love the moments we spent together. 

I hope you guys enjoyed this year we spent together as much as I did. :)

Smiles,

Sherlyn ^^