Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down

Hi.
So let me say foremost that it was interesting that I told myself, I'm going to write this blog post while listening to Taylor Swift's fearless album. And as of now, I'm really in a bad mood. I realized that this album calms me. I fell asleep while listening to it too. (in a good way of course) So I thought, breathe would be a nice song to listen to. So I put the album on shuffle and guess what... It was nice enough to play breathe for me on the first pick. :)

Ok so from now on, it's gonna be a rant post. And it's not pretty. I can imagine eyes rolling. But well who's here anyway? That's probably why I'm still willing to type it all out here. Also cos I need to vent. It's come to the point where complaining to a webpage seems like the best choice.

So. In like 10 days or so I'm coming back to singapore. Oddly for me, although it's what I've been longing for the entire time, when I first received news, I wasn't excited at all. I honestly wasn't. And it's not because I don't love SG anymore. I really didn't understand why I wasn't excited. Completely confused. But after 2-3 days I picked myself up and said, OK, let's go plan outings because it's been so long since I've seen anyone. But I hesitate so much. Why you may ask? The answers simple. 1) I don't know how to contact anyone. 2) Has everyone gotten tired of each other? Do they no longer want to meet because it's a waste of time?

So many questions shrouded my head. I didn't know what to do. At first I thought, "What if I just invite some people then the rest are like, 'Eh you never invite me?'" Because that happened at the farewell party. And some people were sad. But in the end, I've realized this may not hold true anymore. It was utterly foolish of me to think that everyone was still the same. Things have changed more than I think they have. Everyone's moved on, except for me, and gone on with their lives. These things that once occurred are no more than memories, or they may even have been forgotten. I mean, it's true. If you didn't like it too, why would you hold on? If there are new more available and better choices, why hold on to the old ones? It's simple human nature and common sense.

The only way relationships can be established solidly is most definitely through direct physical communication. Not wanting to sound all mumbo jumbo here but it's the truth. I've learnt and observed it many a time. When online, the person can fake anything they want to. Like seriously, that's why they always joke and say



It's the truth actually. You can fabricate yourself to be anything you want. You can be the sweetest girl on the internet and the biggest bitch in real life. One could even go to the extent of making yourself who you consider your ideal self. Why? Because it's possible on the internet. So, I really don't know who to believe anymore.

Many people say things, but do they mean it is another question. In order not to 害 myself anymore, I won't state why I state this though. But I meant every word  said.

I don't want to sound all self-pitying and crap while I post this here and seem like I'm fishing for cheerup shit but I want to say this. So I'm gonna put this down and say it in all honesty, no matter how much I deny this.




I honestly did that. I told myself, it's fine, I'll manage.

If you're from SG or another country other than US, you may not know this. You actually change classes so it means that instead of staying with the same bunch of people for every class, it changes constantly. And in every class there's like 20-30 people usually.

Do you know how it feels to be alone in almost every one of those classes? Well I guess then you'd say I should make an effort to make friends. Follow up question: Do you know how hard it is to make friends when you don't have anything to say to them?

"Talk about shows."
"Talk about hobbies."
"Talk about yourself/the person."
"Compliment them."
"Find similar interests."

It's easy to say. I know some of you know this... I don't/can't watch show that people do watch here. Mostly no. Why? Because I'm not allowed to.
Hobbies? Well I'm gonna say this in application to the rest of the advice given. Have you ever tried doing that? Do you know how seriously awkward is that when you ask that person that? Have you ever seen the person giving you the look when you ask stuff like that? I'm telling you, that crap only works on the first day you meet people. And newsflash: As a sophomore (2nd year), many people already have friends. Another newsflash: You do not want to be friends with some of the people there.
It's all so frustrating.
Yes maybe I'm socially awkward. Do you know how hard it is to move to a foreign land? Do you know how difficult it is to fit in? Do you know how stressful it is when people constantly stare at you even though all you're doing is walking and breathing? "Maybe they think you're pretty." To the people who say that, you're either trying to be nice and encouraging/ you've never seen me. I'm far from the definition of pretty. There are more girls that bother to dress up, more girls that bother to beautify themselves. Why stare at me? Obviously cos there's something wrong with me.

I've been depressed. Like really. Loneliness is killing me. The fact that I realized, that when I thought that psychological diseases were easy to cure and that it was just the person who rejected treatment, was wrong, I knew I understood it, for I personally went through it.

I find myself quite pathetic. I feel so overjoyed when I chat with someone and feel real happy. Should I be content? I should. But it feels pathetic. I don't know what to say anymore. It's never right.

And right now. I know how I feel.
In all due respect, I do not mean any racist comments or anything. I think it's something I read from a book about historical events. (To kill a mockingbird I think)
The kid who is half-white and half-black.
He/She is treated badly or differently by both sides. The whites dislike him because he's half black, and the blacks dislike him because he's half white. Nobody wants/likes him. He doesn't belong anywhere.

That's how I feel now. I'm forgotten or at least no longer belonging in SG, and I'm never truly belonging here either. It's true when they say family is the one that's truly there till the end.

Speaking about this, I had a panic attack last winter. What is a panic attack?



I really just told myself I'm going to die. I was so freaked out. Couldn't eat much, couldn't do much. Just fear and breathing real hard. But I didn't want to do much about it. Because it's not much. Now I just try to avoid this topic. I really don't know. See now I'm worrying, right at this very moment that I'm annoying some of you because I sound like I'm just trying to get people to worry and say like "oh you poor thing". I don't know either. What if I want you to worry? (Though I'm not. I'm sorry it's 12am, I'm not making sense)

Education here is much simpler, but admission to a college is much more difficult. I've learnt from p6 that admission is never easy. I was careless. I should've studied more. Everyone tells me I did well for PSLE. But it sure didn't feel that way. My whole class got like 250+++. I felt really inferior. I should've. I deserved it. I ended up in Anglican High. It's not bad. But you know it's not that good a school already. Because unless you're in duman, raffles or nanyang, hwachong, you're still nothing. People know the listed ones, but rarely the others. So I'm determined this time, to make a difference. But do you know how stupidly difficult it is to get into a good school? Firstly grades on a normal basis. To get a high GPA (like a point system for grades) you have to take lots of AP and Pre-AP classes. (advanced placement) And although you have to be smart to do so, it's not equal to me. It's like not equal at all. So you're ranked according to that. So you have to be top 10% to be in direct admission. I'm at the 20-22% mark. Not close enough, I'm not. My project SAT score based on my PSAT isn't enough for me to go into UT. I haven't got an ounce of community service since I got here. And telling them "I didn't know I had to do some." Isn't going to cut it. It makes you look like you're doing it for the sake of it. And the only club that I'm in now or like thing is choir and I'm in chamber which is good but still. It's only one thing. I'm stressing over this so much because my parents don't believe me when I say this process is real and it's THAT hard to get into one. Especially UT. So I really don't know what to do anymore.

Anyway, this 1 hour session of typing has led me to 12:18am now. So I'm going to head off to sleep. This is like a super calm rant haha. But still, everything I said was in all honesty and truth.

So goodnaga (if you watched spongebob's prehistoric episode haha),
Sherlyn

Donkey years bring me here

Hey guys.

Ok it's definitely been donkey years since I've been here haha I wonder if anyone still comes. And I'm guessing if anyone does, it'll be shijia or qianhui HAHA. XD

So just saying, I have whatsapp already, if you want, uhh somehow please comtact me. XD Anyway, so yeah that's like my latest new thing.

I have a choir spring show coming up soon and I have a solo and duet hehe. :D And like there are different levels of choir lah, so like depending on how good you are you'll be put into a different choir. Then I auditioned liao and apparently I will be in the best choir. Pretty awesome considering it's my first year in choir hehehe. (Y) But still music theory from piano has helped alot.

Oh and forgot if I mentioned before, but I have perfect pitch (absolute pitch). Can go google if you dunno what it is. Hehe, it's pretty sweet.

AND THEN HOR, just yesterday I skyped Shijia, then she tell me I have bit of angmor accent liao. LIKE WHUT. I DUNWAN. But i still add my singlish slangs as usual haha cos #SINGLISHFTW.
I'm like completely FLABBERGASTED (this word is pretty cool) because I thought it never change much. But still I'm quite flexible lah, I can change like between accents quite easily. But like some particular words will be very different. Like in SG we say "gee-o-grah-fi", US is "gee-o-greh-fi" and more shun. Little words like this make big differences. Apparently when they advertisement it's like "ad-ver-ti-ss-ment" <-If you get my lousy explanation. And is like we are like "an-teee" theirs is "an-tie". Though for these words I dun really care. I guess my angmor accent still very lousy cos it's not exactly the right pronunciations. And fun fact, pronunciation is one of the most mispronounced words HAHA. (Yes being a nerd here.) I'm still a major nerd, but I feel dumb now because yall in SG learn so difficult things and I'm like being nooby here. But then again, their education system is completely different so it's hard to compare also. But currently I'm skipping a year i guess.



So I still really miss everything, but honestly, I wonder if everything's been too long or something, the hurting feeling seems to have decreased significantly. It makes me feel guilty cos it's like I'm forgetting yall or something. It makes me afraid because I dun wanna lose what we had. But then again I go on thinking about how maybe many of you have already forgotten and like dun really care anyways. But then I think about how some people might. And how if I do that, they'll get hurt. It's all so complicated. That's why I always prefer to talk face to face with someone. The human face can truly convey many messages just through expression. So I'm thinking of changing my DPs soon. But there's so much holding me back. I wonder if I'm being too clingy. I truly don't know anymore.

Honestly, I don't have as many friends as I used to have. Or rather, while amount is not important, I don't really have any truly good friends. All the relationships I have here feel so superficial and unreal. Everything seems fake. It's scary to see how fake some people can be. I can look at her being sweet and nice to some person for a second, and the next moment she starts complaining and bitching about how she doesn't like her. And at this point I just realized how proper my english has been. But then again I think I'm pretty much overthinking again. Back to topic, so yeah I think I bore people. I'm not sure why but I could bond with SG people really well. Like we'd always have things to talk about. Now that I think about it, there's barely anything to talk about here. I would make friends if I could think of something to talk to someone about without them being all looking at me and being like, "Oh... Yeah...." and then that awkward silence. I'm also too straight-laced to honestly be friends with people. It's hard for me. I've tried the talking to people thing and all I've gotten was weird looks like WOW she's talking or like why is she talking to me. I had enough. I don't know. The staring deal has become better. When I first entered the school, every day when I walked in, everyone stared. What was there to see honestly. And no, the "you're pretty lor" thing isn't gonna cut it. Everyone knows I'm not pretty and my clothes are no where near fashionable.

It's so much stress. And I feel I'm studying here more than SG. Wanna guess why? Cos the teacher's can't teach. It's like if you don't self study you're not gonna do well. It's such lousy planning. I'm still angry with the education system here. But I'll say that I love the way they allow you to try things that will actually benefit you're career choices and things. That is a fabulous and wonderful idea. In fact, everywhere should try to do that. But when it come to grading and stuff, seriously, teach us what we did wrong, not just never return the ws.

BTW, search on youtube for "Boy lectures teacher". It should say something like Jeff Bliss from Duncanville High School I think. He was scolding his teacher for just giving packets (which here means worksheets that consist of a few pages) and her not teaching. I have 2 teacher so far that just do that mostly. I understand his frustration. My science teacher now is so lousy that I'm just waiting for the results of the standardized test to come back right, and I hope the school will see that majority of students that attend her class are all failing. Because, she doesn't think she's doing something wrong. However, she's just treating us like we know everything that SHE is supposed to teach. I mean if some just tells you, ok we're learning about acids and bases. Then it briefly summarizes everything.Then immediately when we get the worksheets, the questions don't cover anything you mentioned. So how are we supposed to do our work? Then test things are even harder. I'm sorry but things don't work this way ok.

I have just realized I've ranted for like 1/2 an hour. I dunno. If I wanted to, I could go on for a long time. But i don't think I will. Anyway, anyone who sees this, leave a message. I'm really curious who would actually still come and see this. I'm sorry if this post brought you down but I guess I'm overall down nowadays. Imagine going to school and not verbally speak to people for like hours more or less. I do that on a daily basis. I can be like from 10:07-1:02 not have a real conversation. Maybe questions or answers. But not even one for casual talking. Nope, I'm not asking for pity. I'm just self-pitying. I wonder if it's my fault cos I'm antisocial, or because I really can't do it. I wonder. I would also like to thank God for supporting me in this lonely times.

Also to shijia, qianhui, half-buddha, my squad, my anime twitter family and my real family as well.

Till then, let's see when my next miraculous update will be.

Te Amo, te quiero,

Sherlyn

FINALLY HERE

Hey.
Ok this blog is super dead because nowadays I'm very busy, super contrary to popular belief that over here no hw. My conclusion from what I've observed, apparently the start of the year will be damn hectic but everyone start to heck care and lesser things to do in the end of the year.

Over here they only have like 4 subjects and 4 electives. So like in eg, like EL, Science, Maths and History and then music, art, pe and a cca. Something like that. But here their lessons damn compact and damn lot. But it's lesser to remember. It's to know. So they can say like a whole lesson on atoms in like 2 weeks and then once that 2 weeks is over, they don't really ever mention it again. And like it's more detailed and chim-mer. HAHA. Ok, but like I hae 5 subjects which is like alot. And like cos I'm very used to SG so detailed and *le show all steps and be precise and must be correct* type of hw, I do very long. And like it seems that nowadays I even have to work harder cos I study like siao for all the tests cos like the last round, 91 and 93 were called "not as good" and like I studied my ass off. Then all the dumbass teachers and the dumbass systems keep giving me tardies (late) and 0s cos of the systems and my mom is like angry and keep saying until like it's all my fault which is pissing me off. But like yeah. *sighs (i really did in real life lol)*

Good stuff. I'm actually doing good in choir haha. Cos like I have perfect pitch so if you ask me to sing a note, 80%-90% i'll get the pitch right. And like I know sight reading so it's good. It's just that my range is not exactly very good and like my voice is not very good so those are the setbacks but it's still good lah. :D

I swear my science teacher is a angmor version of Ms Lim. She cannot teach at all. She give notes and ws all wrong one. And like when people correct her she gets angry which is like WTH. So like everyone (literally almost everyone) is failing the thing. Over here passing is 70%, then my class' average is 55%. And she blames us but I don't think it ever occured to her that she is part of the problem as well. *facepalm*

Then like the people here their morals and principles damn bad. There was like half the class said that if someone deposited money but it didn't drop in the slot (stuck there) and the security camera spoil, that they would take the money. And like if their best friend's super hot bf/gf approached them when their best friend was out of town, they would go *ahem ahem* or go out with them. Cheating basically. Which is horrible.

So now I'm like very stressed cos I'm over serious and too much and things so I'm very tired and stuff. I really hate how I cannot just be less serious and not waste so much time.

I shall stop now cos my eye is hurting for some reason. Another horrible thing: 1 page is the limit to write a compo. WHAT.

Smiles,
Sherlyn

A random memory again

A while back i typed this: 

Heylow it was raining yesterday. Then this led to me remembering about that time in sec1 when it was raining before PE. It's like we were going for PE which was at the Lee Kuo Chuan stadium. Then the sheltered way was super far and I'm sure most of us still don't really know the way also. So most of us ran through the rain to reach there. Then me and zhangnian were especially hyper that day so we siao, HAHA. We went and run in the rain. Like the rain so heavy then we jump around and stand there. It was my first time ever playing in the rain. It was one of the happiest moments of my life. Then after that when we had PE, we sweat so still very wet and hot (NO SICK HERE) HAHAHAH. 

And then that time when 1B had the relief cher, then we played BBall. Then we play boy VS girl then the teacher was like, "This is the first class, that play basketball like want to kill each other. Boys, they are girls, 手下留情 a bit lah!" HAHAHA. This is very funny. Anyway, this is just a memory. Won't happen again since my parents like 3m also must take umbrella. 

Bye.

Wheee

I read my meimei's blog (Gerilynn) and suddenly remember I made this note when I was in a restaurant and suddenly remember these stuff and my mom dunwan listen LOL HAHAHAHA. Anyway, I'm posting this now so many weeks later lol. Paiseh ah cos I usually dun post on itouch so i forgot. And Gerilynn, I DIDN'T FORGET U LAHH. Is just that i dun post everything. Otherwise my blog can flood while i remember everyone. But i also miss you k. I miss everyone tbvh. Well this is what I was remembering...

Haha ok hi it's 7pm here now. And I suddenly remember this epic moment. Cos i was explaining to my bro why half buddha got his name, then i remember the dizi lesson. There was this day where the teacher was late by like 1 hour or something. Then i remember our class was so epic. We were playing like crazy in class. I remembered for some reason I was doing the graph plotting for maths. Dunno is homework or i forgot to do or what but whatever haha. Then while our class was playing I also remember I think some people "escaped" if I'm not wrong. Then I think i was alone then Gerilynn came along then she offered me the headphones to listen cos as usual she was like, "Hello 姐姐." Haha. ^^ Then i was listening to Taylor Swift. It was a good day i feel. :) Haha yay. Ok bye hehe.

Some random thurs or fri a few weeks back.

Plus i was listening to Fearless, I remember. :> 

Something I want to remember so i'll post it here.

"Well let's tell you some memories that were interesting from my prefect life.

Last time, when we had recess duty, you had to leave early to go eat. Then we would always run down to the canteen to eat. And when we run, we race. Then when we come back after recess, sometimes people would ask, so who faster? XD

Then another thing is that at the GO cannot anyhow let people go in. Then I always take my job too seriously. Then we were trying to block a few people last time. Now that I think back, we actually tried to block to Prefect Heads *facepalm* And they show us and then we don't let then they scold vulgar HAHAHAHA. Ok. .__. LOL. Anyway, next person was some random dude. I dunno he go in or what but he is just a student. Then he hide all around the pillars and stuff, then the 3 of us like hide and seek liddat and things. HAHA. Then i forgot if he got in lol. Then the next one is he come like kinda late for school already. Then he is supposed to go up the stairs to the hall that's nearest to the canteen. Then this time right, is actually 4 prefects. Cos the staircase nearest to the GO there also got mah. Then that boy hor (he damn fair and his eyes damn small and he was very short) he went everywhere but that staircase. Then we kept blocking him off and stuff. Then we like keep blocking lah, shouting lah. Then when we all were like, "GO TO THE HALL." Then he run like some rocket so fast, to the correct staircase. That boy siao one. But I'm sure we were as well. 

Then another thing was that time when we were told by OM Chua to go ask these few boys at the fitness corner there to come down. Then they dunwan come down. Then one of them scratched me. Then after a while, OM Chua came and then scold them then they scared and go up. But it really hurt when they scratched. :<

And my voice must've been naturally loud, cos when I was doing duty then I kept shouting stuff like stop running and things. Then there was once when Mdm Lee came out (the the previous previous DM) and told me to be softer. XD Epic man lol.

Then there was once it rained, so the outside of the GO door frosted. Then I went and draw crazy stuff on the door. Then he told me to stop it lah but i was having so much fun I ignored him HAHAHA. And continued drawing until he joined as well. Then the door alot of spirals. XD

Then the final thing was when in the past, there were these pots of plants. I think recently they were already removed. But anyway, we found some really small super white mushrooms. Then he was telling me how the mushrooms were super poisonous and if you touch you would die in 3 days. I think they really were poisonous. But I don't think touch will die. :/ I still dunno haha. But they were very interesting. :> Then they were gone. :("

Epic remembering. Thanks. XD Anyway, this is for me to huai nian next time and hopefully I'll remember even without this. Anyway right, I shall say something. The fishball noodle shop in RSS i have the recipe for the soup. A big pot of water. Put in a few drops of black sauce. Finito. :D 

*super sarcasm* Yup! Try it at home!!!! XD

Ok bye. :D

Qianhui's dedication!

This is Qianhui's dedication! :D Sorry it took so long i really have no energy or motivation. T_T Emo all the time sighs. Anyway...

Heyo

Hi guys.

Well today I just got a pep talk from my mom and I can only say that I really don’t dislike them, cos I think my mom’s still super fair and she makes good points. *nods* Haha. Anyway, I was telling her that if this year I was bullied in school I would move back to Singapore myself. I’ve even thought of ways to survive lol. Anyway, now is confession time so I can get this off my chest. *spongebob scene when there is a purple thing on his chest literally* <-HAHA

As most of you know I’m a very critical person. Which means like like to criticize. But TBVH, this is kinda part of my personality. I actually believe in getting criticized (maybe not too rude but I’d like feedback :P) so I will know what I’ve done wrong. But anyway, I have a 大嘴巴 but I know anyway. Then she was saying I shouldn’t criticize so much and I shall do that. :> And stick to twitter or my blog to rant haha. Anyway I shall learn from my mistake. But I still think it’s a super bad habit ah. *facepalms*

But TBVH (ok yup I’m gonna rant haha) I think I siao liao but I like, ok I shall start a new topic again first haha.

As we all know people all have attitude problems and I’m not exception. I think this might be a disorder or whatever lol. Confession time and all of you may never see me the same again.

I love the feeling of being informed and the smartest. And I really love to be the top of the top. I have always done well academically and in other things as well. And is like I’m used to and forced to maintain this standard I have established. <And on an unrelated note, I have also concluded that you should let people have lower expectations of you so you won’t disappoint them as much and stuff.> So thus, I really can’t stand anything less. And being worse than others is a feeling I really can’t stand. (<-psychological problem I guess) It’s like a dominating feeling problem. But I’m guessing this is also one of the reasons why I know more stuff and things. Cos I will remember it since I want to know. And this is actualy a reason why people don’t like others. Stuck up and show-off. And TBH, I can’t stand people who show off when they don’t even have any standard. Anyway, I’m just saying how I feel about this sucky attitude of mine. I think this is a big problem and it’s gonna be hard to change it. *shakes head and sighs*

Next problem is that I like to teach people of advise people on things or even preach. Again it’s just a part of a personality. ANOTHER SHITTY PROBLEM. Then it’s like I like to tell people what to do about situations and stuff. That’s why if you’re in my group you’ll notice I always give orders and other stuff. But I would say that my plans usually never fail. –shishishishi- And I also have to stop my TBH, they come to often haha.

Then another of my troubles is that if you see those shows from America, the Asian students are usually ostracized or like bullied or ignored cos they dun like people who are smarter, and Asians are stereotyped as that. *repeats, this is in shows, from what I’ve seen* And I would say I’m precisely what they always say. And I am skipping grades. Which is even worse. And I don’t seem to be able to talk about anything they talk about. I don’t watch shows that they do (neither can I) and I don’t think I’ll know about the people in school since I’ve come for such a short time, and I also can’t talk about the online stuff and things. And apparently people who watch animes and stuff aren’t exactly that good with these stuff. Though most of my friends I have now are because of anime. Anyway, it’s still a problem. And I’m also not exactly a glam (unlike my no.3 haha) person, I’m fat, I’m ugly (even if not ugly I’m not pretty) and I have 0% fashion sense and I really don’t have the guts to wear nice clothes cos everyone KEEPS GODDAMNIT STARING. I really can’t stand it when people stare cos like I’m living my life so please leave me alone. I cannot stand it. Wear nice wear not nice all also can get stared. FINE I’M NOT WHITE. DEAL WITH IT. And I dunno if the way I talk to them is ok or what cos when I make my orders at restaurants they seem to give me a weird look. I really dunno what I’m doing right or wrong, which is a big problem.
And apparently, there are things people here don’t like, like crocs and stuff and my parents and bro dun care and thus attracting even MORE attention. I’m confused… And thus I’m really not looking forward to school and things. Ah… I have so many troubles.

Another thing was that in the past my parents used to say I must study hard for my future job and things. But the education path you take will affect your career directly. If any of you have realized, something similar actually happened in school last time. Some of you may have same experiences but I’m sure the reason is the same, even if you didn’t realize it. I’m sure most of us had CCAs in primary school, and most of us stuck to one and never changed it. That would result in us being particularly good in one aspect. Maybe some of us can play a certain instrument, or a sport. But by only being proficient in one thing, when we go to secondary school and go like, “I’ve had enough of that same CCA for 1-6 years so I want to change my CCA.” So we all auditioned, but we were unable to get what we wanted (most of us apart from you lucky people.) So this will also apply in real life. Because of the inexperience and lack of exposure to that field, you won’t get it. So this is something that will also happen in the process of having a job. I have been thinking of what in the world do I want. I have no idea what job I want because it’s hard to find something you enjoy and something that’s stable and good paying at the same time.
To get a good paying job, it’s usually never easy and requires a lot of work. Most of the time you’ll be very tired or neglect your normal life.

To get a job you like, mostly includes a lot of risks, like cause many are also independent jobs such that you set up your own company or something. And most of the times I see, when you enjoy your job, you either don’t particularly excel in it, or that it’s an easier job and thus gets paid less.

To get a stable job, you’ll have to usually either be like SUPER UBER DUPER GOOD at it or work as a profession at something. A profession is a job that requires a skill that is not easily learnt. Such as being a lawyer, doctor or accountant. But as you can see from the list it is actually all very tasking. Like exhausting and difficult.

So as you can see I’m having a lot of troubles trying to decide on something.

Well I shall end this post and say a great big thank you to my number 3, Nicole for her dedication. :> You failed to make me cry but I sure did smile. :D And I also miss you a lot. Plus right, now you know how awesome I was when I was there! *BHB* HAHAHA. Anyway, about being a Christian, I kinda believe in Christianity but I would say I don’t believe in it that much. :/ Sadly. L And please hor xiao jie, I cried like crazy and you should know I NEVER CRY. Until recently. And be careful about your asthma. Fall out if you REALLY cannot. You know the symptoms so know your limits. :O

And a final picture that I shall share haha…

Still love you guys loads. And once I can scan the stuff I shall post my dedication to Qianhui and send my squad’s dedication as well. J

Quoted from my mom.

"Don't tell me what she can do. Tell me what she cannot do. " About Dora.

AHAHAHAHHAHA

Oh and to those of you who don't know, Big Bird from sesame street is either 1 or 2 years old. Yes be mind blown now. 

Ok byee.

I need to try to show some of my vent up feelings

Ok. If any of yall were up late enough, you might have seen my tweets about my dream. Well, it wasn't good. In fact, it was so bad I cried. Literally, in the dream and in reality.
And as most of you know, I really hardly ever cry. So anyone who manages to do so, I can only say bravo to you.
Ok so now, after a round of applause, may I tell you more about it.

*Note: This dream is all over the place and means no ill intention to anyone or anything. This is the work of my subconscious mind.*

Ok. It started off at my grandma's house. I don't exactly remember who was there but I'm sure a whole handful of random people I met in my life were there. Then we were just hanging around just talking, like seriously, standing around. Then it was like the living room looked 3x bigger than it really is haha. XD Ok, then suddenly, one of my squadmate flew in from a window and kept screaming that a snake was coming. Then I looked out of the window and i saw a really huge snake. Then everyone ran in the house (some were outside) and we all tried to close the window. But the window was kinda like you had to put a bamboo mat to fit nicely (not true in real life but as i said this is a very messed up version) then we failed cos we were all panicking. But we still got the snake to be outside luckily. Then one of my uncles brought a friend of his i think. And for some random reason, my grandma's house had a basement door outside her house and he remember and wanted to open it. But he was like, "Oh shit I forgot the key." And the funniest thing about this part was that he was freaking calm when he said this. Then apparently the two were eaten by the snake. But I didn't picture it. When this part ended, it suddenly skipped to the hall of RSS. But what was confusing was that firstly, it was a mixture of RSS and AHS people at the time. Then Ms Sobrielo was the one with the mike that day. Then she asked my CCA people to say a few words about winning the zone com for SJAB. (it wasn't my batch but in this case it was for some reason) So the same squadmate (i shall not mention who haha) went up with me bcas apparently there were 2 teams and stuff, shall not elaborate. Then she started off saying stuff and like how she usually speaks at times like this, she took a damn long time. So while she was speaking, I tried to formulate something I wanted to say to my team. And it's like, I think this was kinda before I left that type of feeling or something but I dunno. Then when it was finally my turn, I wanted to say what I wanted to, but bcas in this dream ms sobrielo was unusually mean (haha), she snatched the mike and said something like, "Why need 2 people? We don't have all the time in the world!" <--This was in a hushed yelling tone. Then she cut me off like that. Then it was like what I wanted to say was something like, "To my dearest team, I know that although I can't go to competition with yall, I want to at least let you know I care and that i will be there to try and help as much as i can despite all that's happening." (and somemore but i cant really remember and i dun wish to fabricate anything) Then i was sent down to the seats again. Then when i sat down I was absolutely horrified and crushed. Crushed is the best word i feel. So for some reason again, I was sitting beside Jiaying and another girl I forgot who, then I told JY that I was gonna cry, then i started bawling and blabbering like an idiot and saying stuff like, "All I wanted to do was wish them the best. I already lost all chance to go comp with them so can't I just give them my best wishes." Then as the usual RSS system, they so called call the classes to go back with an order one. So my row (my supposedly class) was first. Then for some reason one of my seniors was at the back and he hissed at me like I not very sure why he said those words but he was mocking me and he was angry. Then I screamed back at him in a very pissed voice. Then we all ended up pissed. Then on the way i cried all the way. But in this dream, no matter who stared, I cried the whole time without shame, or control. So I was crying the whole way there. Then my class was the 6 care classroom if I remembered correctly. Corner, nearest to the toilet and stairs. Then my classmates I saw was a mixture of people from p3-6. I saw Kelvin, Edmund, Zhong Lim, Ryann, QianHui and somemore but they were not exactly clear. Then we were supposed to sit down and Qianhui was sitting next to me, while i was still crying. Then I woke up. And I was a little surprised I was actually crying for real. Cos I only remember crying like crazy in the dream.

Well, all I can say is that this is the true pent up feelings in my heart. I think my feelings have an auto-lock. Like cos whenever I think of something like this, I will tear up awhile, but it seems that I can't seem to get rid of that feeling in me. It's like it's intentionally hiding inside trying to continue to make me sad. Like as I type this now, I'm really genuinely sad. I even feel like I could really cry. But nothing will flow out. Nothing. I don't know why. And I know full well this ain't some trivial matter.

I told Qianhui about this before. If I think about my life now, it is probably most of what I ever asked for. I asked for the ability to buy (almost) whatever I want, to be able to cook, to be able to have at least one social website, and more I'm sure. These came true. But as I've always said a good thing comes with a bad thing. And if this really is the case, I really can and is willing to throw this away.

You know those shows where the main character gets a few wishes and she makes them and realises that they were wrong and by some miracle she reverts her life to normal as she mends her errors? Well, I would be overjoyed if my life now was the case. But as we all know-this is a whole bunch of shit that only happens in fairytales or the fiction world.

I'm really tired. I can only say I hate everything now. I know I'm an asian. But why must everyone stare at me like I'm some big time criminal. I didn't do a shit. Ok? I'm just trying to live normally. What is the problem? Then is like somemore, ok i bhb abit, I'm smart. And this is the formula for everyone to hate me. What? Simple, a smart asian. I know well enough people don't like smart people. Especially here.

And my father is also running out of stuff to threaten me (LOL). Now he can only say, I'll send you back to Singapore. And as usual my awesomely weird brain starts to formulate a plan on how to survive. I had decided that staying at a relative's house was a no no for me unless desperate. Then I remember how alot of people were telling me I could stay at their houses. But I was like, I couldn't let them just take me in and pay everything for me. I even thought of stuff like, Oh I'll have to borrow money, I'll have to ask my teacher to put me under those schemes things and stuff. Then I also thought about going to the Anglican House cos it would be near the school and things. Then i also thought of methods of income. I was like either I work at Mos Burger (cos it was the only place where I saw that said they would hire people of 14 years old haha) or that I'll make stuff and get people to buy it and things. That was how far I've thought it through. There you have it, you've just got a preview of my plans for a very super duper IF situation.

Well, my brain and everything's pretty messed up now. And I'm super concerned about looks nowadays. Cos I'm like super fat already and it's like I'm in high school. And everyone at high school pretty much are very pretty. And somemore all of them put make up. And I have 0% of fashion sense so I'm screwed. And like them staring is lowering my self esteem even more. So my clothes are plain. But as I've known and tried before, I wear plain clothes or nice clothes all also kena stare. I know I'm ugly so please leave me alone. I'm hurt enough.

I'm very tired. My usual self is crumbling. Though you won't see it. And I'm like super insecure now. Cos I have been over-analysing everything. TBVH, everytime I talk to any of yall, I will always be like super careful of what I do cos I'm like trying to maintain this relationship we still have that is now connected by this really thin thread that will wear out very soon. That's why I always feel very insecure. Like I always over think stuff and no matter who or what I always feel like I'm boring you out. Anyone also. And I'm like super afraid that everything will be different once I come back. I'm very sure there won't be one relationship that will remain as if untouched once i return. It is the inevitable truth. And although there is nothing I can do, I can only dread. And is like I'm keeping myself awake at night mostly just so I can talk to you guys. I wake up earlier not only to please my mom, but to also talk to you guys. But as usual it's never the same and it's never enough. I'm really greedy I know, but this is one of the human traits I can't avoid. It's 1am here... haizz. And I really dunno why I'm getting so lazy. I really don't understand. I really want to understand how I feel. I want my life to go back to how it was. I really want to struggle with my studies again, I want to go CCA again and have fun though times may be hard. I want to do everything we did in school. I want to laugh with you guys again. Shit tears are really flowing already... Anyways, I shall end this post of self-pity and go to sleep. To any of you who actually read the whole post, thanks for enduring all my crap.

Have a nice day.

Update

Hi guys. Sorry for the missing posts and stuff. I ain't exactly in my tip top condition and like i'm feeling bad and unwell and stuff so my posts will be delayed. But i promise that they WILL come. It will take time though. I'm sorry. I just can't find the motivation to do ANYTHING. And I'm very lost and stuff so I'm still sorry... Anyway, I've decided I will definitely write back to the people who wrote letters to me. Thanks guys i went through the presents that day and almost cried all over again. Yup I have never ever cried this much in my whole life i'm sure. They really warmed my heart. <3
Thanks again. :)