Imagine being offered a task, and by working hard you would be rewarded with $1000. However, out of your group of 26, only 24 could receive the reward. It depended on your skill, your attendance and how you worked as a group. You had been working meticulously, attending every meeting, working on your own time, helping others, even sacrificing other commitments in order to meet expectations. Finally, judgement day arrives and despite working extremely hard, you realize that you have been chosen as the 2 who don't receive the prize. You are told by your boss, "It's not your ability that's the issue. It's just that with half the people in your section that are seniors and are likely to leave and miss this experience, yeah, I had to choose you." (And yes, he left it hanging somewhat, unwillingly to reveal the ugly truth.)
Yes this happened today. But what this was, was being cut from performing for a competition on one of the songs. As one who tries her best to be socially correct, I shake it off with a laugh and exit the room coolly, not making a big fuss, quickly accepting this fate I had been assigned. Afterwards, though, came the contemplation. My mind was like ground zero after a hurricane had furiously destroyed all existing thoughts. What could have possibly resulted in my removal from the choir? My mind was in ruins because I was not used to this. I was decided as the worst choice and removed. Other than softball (because I am less athletically inclined), I have rarely ever been eliminated or picked as the last resort or selected as the worst. So I narrowed down the reasons. Perhaps I had bad vowels? Perhaps I had bad technique? Perhaps I had bad breath support? Perhaps I was so quiet that it didn't matter if I was there or not? I didn't know the answer. To me, I've never seen myself as amazing in anything. I have never been the top for anything so I wouldn't consider myself good at all. Perfection would be the goal. I blame this perfectionist attitude I have as a result of influence from my parents, for I have never received much praise from them at all because I have never been the best. Then after looking fault in myself, I began looking fault in others. Personally, I was maddened because I was sure I had put in so much more effort in practising than many of the others in my section. Furthermore, some of them had even complained to me and skipped practices, or simply take any small excuse as a reason for skipping practice. On the other hand, I have skipped softball practices everyday in order to come to practices. But as the situation reveals, I doubt any of the sacrifice I've made actually paid off. I didn't need to be there. It's not like I was unable to sing the songs right. I had it memorized and everything. The other reason which infuriated me was that some people, when asked to sing alone (which tested their individual memory/skills) for their own part, actually forgot the lyrics and disappeared in the middle of song, due to their incompetence. I hadn't forgotten any lyrics. (And anyway, the individual performance probably didn't influence his decisions for this removal) I did fairly well. But no, I'm the one who gets cut.
Other than me, there are 6 spots for people to fill as alternates, which would be the euphemistic way of "You have not met expectations in a certain way, so you're not needed." A girl had been taken out of 2 songs due to her bad attendance while the 2 other boys, as I have observed, were weaker singers. This just narrows down the possibilities of why I was cut to one reason: I was lousy and my skill wasn't enough. No matter how he may try to sugar-coat it and claim that he may have randomly picked me, I'm sure I wasn't good enough, and that just brings me down. I can say firmly that I have been working hard in terms of training my voice and things, but no matter how hard I try, nothing seems to be working. It's the same for softball as well. I feel like I would never be great.
For me, it really honestly does not concern how hard I work. Because I always work extremely hard, and I even have confirmation from teachers and others.
I've come to conclude that a new saying that can be added to my list of hated motivation quotes people say would be: "Hard work (or the process) is more important than the result." This quote is basically crap. No one cares how hard you work, they want you to work fast, smart and produce excellent results. Even if you fall a thousand times in practice and get up to work again before going on the field to play a game and you unfortunately allow 3 runners to home-run, no one is going to tell you that it was fine because you worked hard. If you go out to work one day and you lose a whole project, your boss isn't going to tell you that everything's fine because you had worked exceptionally hard. No one, is going to tell you that in fact.
I'm so done. I skipped homework to write this and I would definitely continue to rant for hours but the sleep pangs have begun to hit and I need to sleep.
And again, I bet this year's birthday is gonna be plain and boring because no one bothers to remember.
Other than my petty complains, I hope that you the reader are having a good time. And if it sounded formal, it was supposed to haha I was trying to write this like a super ap english kind of recount.
Anyways,
Good night and I hope your life is going better
Sherlyn
Thursday, February 27, 2014
Sunday, November 24, 2013
River of Memories
Row we row down the
River of memories
Ripples show images
Reflecting past times
Disappear they disappear
Disrupting each other
Dismally as new replaces the
Darling dear old
Tremble we tremble as
Tears descend and
Tear our hearts in
Two little pieces
Left, you left as you
Leapt off the boat
Leaving me all alone, no
Longer knowing me anymore
Loveless
Hey yall.
If you know me, you'll know that I have a relatively dead love life. In SG, it wasn't that uncommon. Everyone stayed single. (Not sure about now though)
So the girls in softball nowadays ask me about my love life. And I have no answer. And guess what, that actually led to me being here.
Everyone can lie about how everyone is beautiful and how people accept you no matter how you are but in the end, the results speak the loudest. I don't even know why people seem to be afraid of me or go away from me. I really haven't done anything to them. My mother tells me that my face just looks angry/scary half the time, so I guess that's why. But honestly, the other half of the time, I just find the people so stupid and irritating so I guess that's a problem too.
But back to the reason why I'm sad/scared. I'm not like super sad though. Because I'm just not happy. It's an odd empty feeling.
So I read about this one syndrome that makes you feel no love for anyone. It scares me to think I might have that. Because for such a long time, I haven't feel an ounce of love for a guy. Even to family, I don't have that kind of love feeling I guess. I don't know what it is supposed to feel like for family. But I do know that I would be distraught and worried sick if anything happened to them.
Then the other thing to be sad about is that I've given up. Many times people quote stuff about love, I quote about friendship. I don't know how much I meant to you, but I do know that many of you don't know how much you meant to me. I really, really loved spending time we some of you and I'm desperately trying to keep in contact with many of you, because some of you have already disappeared and gone without a trace. But it is absolutely tiring to be the only one trying. It's not like I'm completely alone here, but you will always hold a special place in my heart. You have no idea how awkward it is to participate in a conversation when you have nothing you understand or connect to. At this point, I bet many people had thought to themselves, "Well don't do that then." Then it would result in them leaving. I know, some might say again, "If people really care, they wouldn't leave." True, I must say. But if no one initiates, everything ends right there. Honestly, I guess it's just time for me to stop. I have to let go. What do I expect? For everything to remain the same as before? No way that can happen.
You know how most shows involve people who have lifetime friends who've always been together? My dreams for that shattered twice. First when I was in p2 and I was the only person from 1/5 to go to 3/8, and when I moved. I bet one day I'll be all alone, no true loyal and caring friend, nor a guy to love me. It's easy to say and think of solutions, but honestly, I don't think I can pull it off because my confidence level has been shot down to the absolute zero, by various things.
When I say I'll be forever alone, I mean it 80%.
I know it's my fault, but loveless I shall remain due to my cowardice.
Sorry if I seem creepy.
-Sherlyn
If you know me, you'll know that I have a relatively dead love life. In SG, it wasn't that uncommon. Everyone stayed single. (Not sure about now though)
So the girls in softball nowadays ask me about my love life. And I have no answer. And guess what, that actually led to me being here.
Everyone can lie about how everyone is beautiful and how people accept you no matter how you are but in the end, the results speak the loudest. I don't even know why people seem to be afraid of me or go away from me. I really haven't done anything to them. My mother tells me that my face just looks angry/scary half the time, so I guess that's why. But honestly, the other half of the time, I just find the people so stupid and irritating so I guess that's a problem too.
But back to the reason why I'm sad/scared. I'm not like super sad though. Because I'm just not happy. It's an odd empty feeling.
So I read about this one syndrome that makes you feel no love for anyone. It scares me to think I might have that. Because for such a long time, I haven't feel an ounce of love for a guy. Even to family, I don't have that kind of love feeling I guess. I don't know what it is supposed to feel like for family. But I do know that I would be distraught and worried sick if anything happened to them.
Then the other thing to be sad about is that I've given up. Many times people quote stuff about love, I quote about friendship. I don't know how much I meant to you, but I do know that many of you don't know how much you meant to me. I really, really loved spending time we some of you and I'm desperately trying to keep in contact with many of you, because some of you have already disappeared and gone without a trace. But it is absolutely tiring to be the only one trying. It's not like I'm completely alone here, but you will always hold a special place in my heart. You have no idea how awkward it is to participate in a conversation when you have nothing you understand or connect to. At this point, I bet many people had thought to themselves, "Well don't do that then." Then it would result in them leaving. I know, some might say again, "If people really care, they wouldn't leave." True, I must say. But if no one initiates, everything ends right there. Honestly, I guess it's just time for me to stop. I have to let go. What do I expect? For everything to remain the same as before? No way that can happen.
You know how most shows involve people who have lifetime friends who've always been together? My dreams for that shattered twice. First when I was in p2 and I was the only person from 1/5 to go to 3/8, and when I moved. I bet one day I'll be all alone, no true loyal and caring friend, nor a guy to love me. It's easy to say and think of solutions, but honestly, I don't think I can pull it off because my confidence level has been shot down to the absolute zero, by various things.
When I say I'll be forever alone, I mean it 80%.
I know it's my fault, but loveless I shall remain due to my cowardice.
Sorry if I seem creepy.
-Sherlyn
Monday, September 9, 2013
If you see this, you know who you are and I love you.
I wish you would open your heart.
I wish you would tell me what's wrong.
I wish you would complain to me much more.
I wish I could shoulder some of your troubles.
I wish you would be able to feel happier.
I wish you would have a much easier time.
I wish I could make things easier for you.
I wish that you wouldn't think I'm not trying.
I worry for you.
I wish you could smile more often.
But anger gets in the way of trying to help.
And when anger gets in the way,
I fear losing you completely.
Especially since I already can't see nor touch you physically.
I wish I could give you what you need.
Even a simple hug,
If that would make you feel a thousand times better.
I wish things weren't so complicated.
I wish you'd let me.
And lastly,
I'm sorry.
I wish you would tell me what's wrong.
I wish you would complain to me much more.
I wish I could shoulder some of your troubles.
I wish you would be able to feel happier.
I wish you would have a much easier time.
I wish I could make things easier for you.
I wish that you wouldn't think I'm not trying.
I worry for you.
I wish you could smile more often.
But anger gets in the way of trying to help.
And when anger gets in the way,
I fear losing you completely.
Especially since I already can't see nor touch you physically.
I wish I could give you what you need.
Even a simple hug,
If that would make you feel a thousand times better.
I wish things weren't so complicated.
I wish you'd let me.
And lastly,
I'm sorry.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
I'll be your best friend and you'll be my valentine.
Hey.
This is kinda pathetic haha. So anyway, to any bloggers that stop by, Vampirestat is a spam website. Do not link to it or you'll also suffer from it's spam. It pretends that your blog has viewers but it isn't true. It's just fake traffic. And that brings me back to why this is pathetic. The views are only the spam that it brought. No one else visited the blog. Haha...haha........
Well. I am sad again today. Well it feels like I'm never anyone else's number 1. I doubt I ever was. Especially with how I am. I really don't know anymore. People would say, "Yeah you need to boost your self-confidence and be more positive."
What if I can't?
Self-confidence is when you actually have something to be proud about. But no matter how proud you are, it's no use if no one else actually thinks so.
"So what if people don't think you are good? Someone will think so."
Ha...HAHAHA. Sorry but you may most definitely be wrong. What if there isn't anyone? What if there was someone but that person was simply a sympathetic person who tries to be nice? What if they could only half-heartedly care for you? I don't know. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.
Being positive.
I agree I'm very EXTREMELY negative. But I'm afraid to be positive. Almost 70% of the time when I tell myself that something will go alright or that something will go "this-way", it fails. It won't. But when I'm negative, the results actually go right. A personal moral I like to live by:
If you don't expect anything, the result is sweeter. Expectation brings disappointment.
I'm sometimes even afraid to hope for things. Like I was hoping that when my school year starts, I'll be able to make more friends and such and looked forward to some stuff. But I stopped. I was afraid that everything would backfire. Everything would fall apart and I would be alone again. I dunno. I wonder if I'm making everything just about me. What if it's just me being selfish? What if I'm paranoid.
One thing's for sure. I overthink way too much. I know.
And honestly. Anyone who says nothing is impossible, try jumping down the eiffel tower or some tall building, no equipment, purely yourself and survive. Go try it. Or stay underwater without equipment for a day. Just yourself again. Go try it. Succeed and tell me again.
Kthxbai,
Sherlyn
This is kinda pathetic haha. So anyway, to any bloggers that stop by, Vampirestat is a spam website. Do not link to it or you'll also suffer from it's spam. It pretends that your blog has viewers but it isn't true. It's just fake traffic. And that brings me back to why this is pathetic. The views are only the spam that it brought. No one else visited the blog. Haha...haha........
Well. I am sad again today. Well it feels like I'm never anyone else's number 1. I doubt I ever was. Especially with how I am. I really don't know anymore. People would say, "Yeah you need to boost your self-confidence and be more positive."
What if I can't?
Self-confidence is when you actually have something to be proud about. But no matter how proud you are, it's no use if no one else actually thinks so.
"So what if people don't think you are good? Someone will think so."
Ha...HAHAHA. Sorry but you may most definitely be wrong. What if there isn't anyone? What if there was someone but that person was simply a sympathetic person who tries to be nice? What if they could only half-heartedly care for you? I don't know. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.
Being positive.
I agree I'm very EXTREMELY negative. But I'm afraid to be positive. Almost 70% of the time when I tell myself that something will go alright or that something will go "this-way", it fails. It won't. But when I'm negative, the results actually go right. A personal moral I like to live by:
If you don't expect anything, the result is sweeter. Expectation brings disappointment.
I'm sometimes even afraid to hope for things. Like I was hoping that when my school year starts, I'll be able to make more friends and such and looked forward to some stuff. But I stopped. I was afraid that everything would backfire. Everything would fall apart and I would be alone again. I dunno. I wonder if I'm making everything just about me. What if it's just me being selfish? What if I'm paranoid.
One thing's for sure. I overthink way too much. I know.
And honestly. Anyone who says nothing is impossible, try jumping down the eiffel tower or some tall building, no equipment, purely yourself and survive. Go try it. Or stay underwater without equipment for a day. Just yourself again. Go try it. Succeed and tell me again.
Kthxbai,
Sherlyn
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Shouldn't I...
Shouldn't I let go?
Shouldn't I stop caring so much?
Shouldn't I understand that nothing can be changed?
Shouldn't I stop whining about everything?
Shouldn't I try to live my existing life now?
Shouldn't I stop dreaming?
Shouldn't I convince myself that I'm alright?
Shouldn't I stop worrying?
Shouldn't I just go with the flow?
Shouldn't I be more social?
Shouldn't I stop being cooped up in the past?
Shouldn't I accept reality?
Shouldn't I think positive?
Shouldn't I stop thinking about all of you?
Shouldn't I stop regretting?
Shouldn't I move on?
"Having self-confidence/self-esteem is basically lying to yourself, believing it and feeling good about it."
Shouldn't I stop caring so much?
Shouldn't I understand that nothing can be changed?
Shouldn't I stop whining about everything?
Shouldn't I try to live my existing life now?
Shouldn't I stop dreaming?
Shouldn't I convince myself that I'm alright?
Shouldn't I stop worrying?
Shouldn't I just go with the flow?
Shouldn't I be more social?
Shouldn't I stop being cooped up in the past?
Shouldn't I accept reality?
Shouldn't I think positive?
Shouldn't I stop thinking about all of you?
Shouldn't I stop regretting?
Shouldn't I move on?
"Having self-confidence/self-esteem is basically lying to yourself, believing it and feeling good about it."
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
Hi.
So let me say foremost that it was interesting that I told myself, I'm going to write this blog post while listening to Taylor Swift's fearless album. And as of now, I'm really in a bad mood. I realized that this album calms me. I fell asleep while listening to it too. (in a good way of course) So I thought, breathe would be a nice song to listen to. So I put the album on shuffle and guess what... It was nice enough to play breathe for me on the first pick. :)
Ok so from now on, it's gonna be a rant post. And it's not pretty. I can imagine eyes rolling. But well who's here anyway? That's probably why I'm still willing to type it all out here. Also cos I need to vent. It's come to the point where complaining to a webpage seems like the best choice.
So. In like 10 days or so I'm coming back to singapore. Oddly for me, although it's what I've been longing for the entire time, when I first received news, I wasn't excited at all. I honestly wasn't. And it's not because I don't love SG anymore. I really didn't understand why I wasn't excited. Completely confused. But after 2-3 days I picked myself up and said, OK, let's go plan outings because it's been so long since I've seen anyone. But I hesitate so much. Why you may ask? The answers simple. 1) I don't know how to contact anyone. 2) Has everyone gotten tired of each other? Do they no longer want to meet because it's a waste of time?
So many questions shrouded my head. I didn't know what to do. At first I thought, "What if I just invite some people then the rest are like, 'Eh you never invite me?'" Because that happened at the farewell party. And some people were sad. But in the end, I've realized this may not hold true anymore. It was utterly foolish of me to think that everyone was still the same. Things have changed more than I think they have. Everyone's moved on, except for me, and gone on with their lives. These things that once occurred are no more than memories, or they may even have been forgotten. I mean, it's true. If you didn't like it too, why would you hold on? If there are new more available and better choices, why hold on to the old ones? It's simple human nature and common sense.
The only way relationships can be established solidly is most definitely through direct physical communication. Not wanting to sound all mumbo jumbo here but it's the truth. I've learnt and observed it many a time. When online, the person can fake anything they want to. Like seriously, that's why they always joke and say
It's the truth actually. You can fabricate yourself to be anything you want. You can be the sweetest girl on the internet and the biggest bitch in real life. One could even go to the extent of making yourself who you consider your ideal self. Why? Because it's possible on the internet. So, I really don't know who to believe anymore.
Many people say things, but do they mean it is another question. In order not to 害 myself anymore, I won't state why I state this though. But I meant every word said.
I don't want to sound all self-pitying and crap while I post this here and seem like I'm fishing for cheerup shit but I want to say this. So I'm gonna put this down and say it in all honesty, no matter how much I deny this.
I honestly did that. I told myself, it's fine, I'll manage.
If you're from SG or another country other than US, you may not know this. You actually change classes so it means that instead of staying with the same bunch of people for every class, it changes constantly. And in every class there's like 20-30 people usually.
Do you know how it feels to be alone in almost every one of those classes? Well I guess then you'd say I should make an effort to make friends. Follow up question: Do you know how hard it is to make friends when you don't have anything to say to them?
"Talk about shows."
"Talk about hobbies."
"Talk about yourself/the person."
"Compliment them."
"Find similar interests."
It's easy to say. I know some of you know this... I don't/can't watch show that people do watch here. Mostly no. Why? Because I'm not allowed to.
Hobbies? Well I'm gonna say this in application to the rest of the advice given. Have you ever tried doing that? Do you know how seriously awkward is that when you ask that person that? Have you ever seen the person giving you the look when you ask stuff like that? I'm telling you, that crap only works on the first day you meet people. And newsflash: As a sophomore (2nd year), many people already have friends. Another newsflash: You do not want to be friends with some of the people there.
It's all so frustrating.
Yes maybe I'm socially awkward. Do you know how hard it is to move to a foreign land? Do you know how difficult it is to fit in? Do you know how stressful it is when people constantly stare at you even though all you're doing is walking and breathing? "Maybe they think you're pretty." To the people who say that, you're either trying to be nice and encouraging/ you've never seen me. I'm far from the definition of pretty. There are more girls that bother to dress up, more girls that bother to beautify themselves. Why stare at me? Obviously cos there's something wrong with me.
I've been depressed. Like really. Loneliness is killing me. The fact that I realized, that when I thought that psychological diseases were easy to cure and that it was just the person who rejected treatment, was wrong, I knew I understood it, for I personally went through it.
I find myself quite pathetic. I feel so overjoyed when I chat with someone and feel real happy. Should I be content? I should. But it feels pathetic. I don't know what to say anymore. It's never right.
And right now. I know how I feel.
In all due respect, I do not mean any racist comments or anything. I think it's something I read from a book about historical events. (To kill a mockingbird I think)
The kid who is half-white and half-black.
He/She is treated badly or differently by both sides. The whites dislike him because he's half black, and the blacks dislike him because he's half white. Nobody wants/likes him. He doesn't belong anywhere.
That's how I feel now. I'm forgotten or at least no longer belonging in SG, and I'm never truly belonging here either. It's true when they say family is the one that's truly there till the end.
Speaking about this, I had a panic attack last winter. What is a panic attack?
I really just told myself I'm going to die. I was so freaked out. Couldn't eat much, couldn't do much. Just fear and breathing real hard. But I didn't want to do much about it. Because it's not much. Now I just try to avoid this topic. I really don't know. See now I'm worrying, right at this very moment that I'm annoying some of you because I sound like I'm just trying to get people to worry and say like "oh you poor thing". I don't know either. What if I want you to worry? (Though I'm not. I'm sorry it's 12am, I'm not making sense)
Education here is much simpler, but admission to a college is much more difficult. I've learnt from p6 that admission is never easy. I was careless. I should've studied more. Everyone tells me I did well for PSLE. But it sure didn't feel that way. My whole class got like 250+++. I felt really inferior. I should've. I deserved it. I ended up in Anglican High. It's not bad. But you know it's not that good a school already. Because unless you're in duman, raffles or nanyang, hwachong, you're still nothing. People know the listed ones, but rarely the others. So I'm determined this time, to make a difference. But do you know how stupidly difficult it is to get into a good school? Firstly grades on a normal basis. To get a high GPA (like a point system for grades) you have to take lots of AP and Pre-AP classes. (advanced placement) And although you have to be smart to do so, it's not equal to me. It's like not equal at all. So you're ranked according to that. So you have to be top 10% to be in direct admission. I'm at the 20-22% mark. Not close enough, I'm not. My project SAT score based on my PSAT isn't enough for me to go into UT. I haven't got an ounce of community service since I got here. And telling them "I didn't know I had to do some." Isn't going to cut it. It makes you look like you're doing it for the sake of it. And the only club that I'm in now or like thing is choir and I'm in chamber which is good but still. It's only one thing. I'm stressing over this so much because my parents don't believe me when I say this process is real and it's THAT hard to get into one. Especially UT. So I really don't know what to do anymore.
Anyway, this 1 hour session of typing has led me to 12:18am now. So I'm going to head off to sleep. This is like a super calm rant haha. But still, everything I said was in all honesty and truth.
So goodnaga (if you watched spongebob's prehistoric episode haha),
Sherlyn
So let me say foremost that it was interesting that I told myself, I'm going to write this blog post while listening to Taylor Swift's fearless album. And as of now, I'm really in a bad mood. I realized that this album calms me. I fell asleep while listening to it too. (in a good way of course) So I thought, breathe would be a nice song to listen to. So I put the album on shuffle and guess what... It was nice enough to play breathe for me on the first pick. :)
Ok so from now on, it's gonna be a rant post. And it's not pretty. I can imagine eyes rolling. But well who's here anyway? That's probably why I'm still willing to type it all out here. Also cos I need to vent. It's come to the point where complaining to a webpage seems like the best choice.
So. In like 10 days or so I'm coming back to singapore. Oddly for me, although it's what I've been longing for the entire time, when I first received news, I wasn't excited at all. I honestly wasn't. And it's not because I don't love SG anymore. I really didn't understand why I wasn't excited. Completely confused. But after 2-3 days I picked myself up and said, OK, let's go plan outings because it's been so long since I've seen anyone. But I hesitate so much. Why you may ask? The answers simple. 1) I don't know how to contact anyone. 2) Has everyone gotten tired of each other? Do they no longer want to meet because it's a waste of time?
So many questions shrouded my head. I didn't know what to do. At first I thought, "What if I just invite some people then the rest are like, 'Eh you never invite me?'" Because that happened at the farewell party. And some people were sad. But in the end, I've realized this may not hold true anymore. It was utterly foolish of me to think that everyone was still the same. Things have changed more than I think they have. Everyone's moved on, except for me, and gone on with their lives. These things that once occurred are no more than memories, or they may even have been forgotten. I mean, it's true. If you didn't like it too, why would you hold on? If there are new more available and better choices, why hold on to the old ones? It's simple human nature and common sense.
The only way relationships can be established solidly is most definitely through direct physical communication. Not wanting to sound all mumbo jumbo here but it's the truth. I've learnt and observed it many a time. When online, the person can fake anything they want to. Like seriously, that's why they always joke and say
It's the truth actually. You can fabricate yourself to be anything you want. You can be the sweetest girl on the internet and the biggest bitch in real life. One could even go to the extent of making yourself who you consider your ideal self. Why? Because it's possible on the internet. So, I really don't know who to believe anymore.
Many people say things, but do they mean it is another question. In order not to 害 myself anymore, I won't state why I state this though. But I meant every word said.
I don't want to sound all self-pitying and crap while I post this here and seem like I'm fishing for cheerup shit but I want to say this. So I'm gonna put this down and say it in all honesty, no matter how much I deny this.
I honestly did that. I told myself, it's fine, I'll manage.
If you're from SG or another country other than US, you may not know this. You actually change classes so it means that instead of staying with the same bunch of people for every class, it changes constantly. And in every class there's like 20-30 people usually.
Do you know how it feels to be alone in almost every one of those classes? Well I guess then you'd say I should make an effort to make friends. Follow up question: Do you know how hard it is to make friends when you don't have anything to say to them?
"Talk about shows."
"Talk about hobbies."
"Talk about yourself/the person."
"Compliment them."
"Find similar interests."
It's easy to say. I know some of you know this... I don't/can't watch show that people do watch here. Mostly no. Why? Because I'm not allowed to.
Hobbies? Well I'm gonna say this in application to the rest of the advice given. Have you ever tried doing that? Do you know how seriously awkward is that when you ask that person that? Have you ever seen the person giving you the look when you ask stuff like that? I'm telling you, that crap only works on the first day you meet people. And newsflash: As a sophomore (2nd year), many people already have friends. Another newsflash: You do not want to be friends with some of the people there.
It's all so frustrating.
Yes maybe I'm socially awkward. Do you know how hard it is to move to a foreign land? Do you know how difficult it is to fit in? Do you know how stressful it is when people constantly stare at you even though all you're doing is walking and breathing? "Maybe they think you're pretty." To the people who say that, you're either trying to be nice and encouraging/ you've never seen me. I'm far from the definition of pretty. There are more girls that bother to dress up, more girls that bother to beautify themselves. Why stare at me? Obviously cos there's something wrong with me.
I've been depressed. Like really. Loneliness is killing me. The fact that I realized, that when I thought that psychological diseases were easy to cure and that it was just the person who rejected treatment, was wrong, I knew I understood it, for I personally went through it.
I find myself quite pathetic. I feel so overjoyed when I chat with someone and feel real happy. Should I be content? I should. But it feels pathetic. I don't know what to say anymore. It's never right.
And right now. I know how I feel.
In all due respect, I do not mean any racist comments or anything. I think it's something I read from a book about historical events. (To kill a mockingbird I think)
The kid who is half-white and half-black.
He/She is treated badly or differently by both sides. The whites dislike him because he's half black, and the blacks dislike him because he's half white. Nobody wants/likes him. He doesn't belong anywhere.
That's how I feel now. I'm forgotten or at least no longer belonging in SG, and I'm never truly belonging here either. It's true when they say family is the one that's truly there till the end.
Speaking about this, I had a panic attack last winter. What is a panic attack?
I really just told myself I'm going to die. I was so freaked out. Couldn't eat much, couldn't do much. Just fear and breathing real hard. But I didn't want to do much about it. Because it's not much. Now I just try to avoid this topic. I really don't know. See now I'm worrying, right at this very moment that I'm annoying some of you because I sound like I'm just trying to get people to worry and say like "oh you poor thing". I don't know either. What if I want you to worry? (Though I'm not. I'm sorry it's 12am, I'm not making sense)
Education here is much simpler, but admission to a college is much more difficult. I've learnt from p6 that admission is never easy. I was careless. I should've studied more. Everyone tells me I did well for PSLE. But it sure didn't feel that way. My whole class got like 250+++. I felt really inferior. I should've. I deserved it. I ended up in Anglican High. It's not bad. But you know it's not that good a school already. Because unless you're in duman, raffles or nanyang, hwachong, you're still nothing. People know the listed ones, but rarely the others. So I'm determined this time, to make a difference. But do you know how stupidly difficult it is to get into a good school? Firstly grades on a normal basis. To get a high GPA (like a point system for grades) you have to take lots of AP and Pre-AP classes. (advanced placement) And although you have to be smart to do so, it's not equal to me. It's like not equal at all. So you're ranked according to that. So you have to be top 10% to be in direct admission. I'm at the 20-22% mark. Not close enough, I'm not. My project SAT score based on my PSAT isn't enough for me to go into UT. I haven't got an ounce of community service since I got here. And telling them "I didn't know I had to do some." Isn't going to cut it. It makes you look like you're doing it for the sake of it. And the only club that I'm in now or like thing is choir and I'm in chamber which is good but still. It's only one thing. I'm stressing over this so much because my parents don't believe me when I say this process is real and it's THAT hard to get into one. Especially UT. So I really don't know what to do anymore.
Anyway, this 1 hour session of typing has led me to 12:18am now. So I'm going to head off to sleep. This is like a super calm rant haha. But still, everything I said was in all honesty and truth.
So goodnaga (if you watched spongebob's prehistoric episode haha),
Sherlyn
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Donkey years bring me here
Hey guys.
Ok it's definitely been donkey years since I've been here haha I wonder if anyone still comes. And I'm guessing if anyone does, it'll be shijia or qianhui HAHA. XD
So just saying, I have whatsapp already, if you want, uhh somehow please comtact me. XD Anyway, so yeah that's like my latest new thing.
I have a choir spring show coming up soon and I have a solo and duet hehe. :D And like there are different levels of choir lah, so like depending on how good you are you'll be put into a different choir. Then I auditioned liao and apparently I will be in the best choir. Pretty awesome considering it's my first year in choir hehehe. (Y) But still music theory from piano has helped alot.
Oh and forgot if I mentioned before, but I have perfect pitch (absolute pitch). Can go google if you dunno what it is. Hehe, it's pretty sweet.
AND THEN HOR, just yesterday I skyped Shijia, then she tell me I have bit of angmor accent liao. LIKE WHUT. I DUNWAN. But i still add my singlish slangs as usual haha cos #SINGLISHFTW.
I'm like completely FLABBERGASTED (this word is pretty cool) because I thought it never change much. But still I'm quite flexible lah, I can change like between accents quite easily. But like some particular words will be very different. Like in SG we say "gee-o-grah-fi", US is "gee-o-greh-fi" and more shun. Little words like this make big differences. Apparently when they advertisement it's like "ad-ver-ti-ss-ment" <-If you get my lousy explanation. And is like we are like "an-teee" theirs is "an-tie". Though for these words I dun really care. I guess my angmor accent still very lousy cos it's not exactly the right pronunciations. And fun fact, pronunciation is one of the most mispronounced words HAHA. (Yes being a nerd here.) I'm still a major nerd, but I feel dumb now because yall in SG learn so difficult things and I'm like being nooby here. But then again, their education system is completely different so it's hard to compare also. But currently I'm skipping a year i guess.
So I still really miss everything, but honestly, I wonder if everything's been too long or something, the hurting feeling seems to have decreased significantly. It makes me feel guilty cos it's like I'm forgetting yall or something. It makes me afraid because I dun wanna lose what we had. But then again I go on thinking about how maybe many of you have already forgotten and like dun really care anyways. But then I think about how some people might. And how if I do that, they'll get hurt. It's all so complicated. That's why I always prefer to talk face to face with someone. The human face can truly convey many messages just through expression. So I'm thinking of changing my DPs soon. But there's so much holding me back. I wonder if I'm being too clingy. I truly don't know anymore.
Honestly, I don't have as many friends as I used to have. Or rather, while amount is not important, I don't really have any truly good friends. All the relationships I have here feel so superficial and unreal. Everything seems fake. It's scary to see how fake some people can be. I can look at her being sweet and nice to some person for a second, and the next moment she starts complaining and bitching about how she doesn't like her. And at this point I just realized how proper my english has been. But then again I think I'm pretty much overthinking again. Back to topic, so yeah I think I bore people. I'm not sure why but I could bond with SG people really well. Like we'd always have things to talk about. Now that I think about it, there's barely anything to talk about here. I would make friends if I could think of something to talk to someone about without them being all looking at me and being like, "Oh... Yeah...." and then that awkward silence. I'm also too straight-laced to honestly be friends with people. It's hard for me. I've tried the talking to people thing and all I've gotten was weird looks like WOW she's talking or like why is she talking to me. I had enough. I don't know. The staring deal has become better. When I first entered the school, every day when I walked in, everyone stared. What was there to see honestly. And no, the "you're pretty lor" thing isn't gonna cut it. Everyone knows I'm not pretty and my clothes are no where near fashionable.
It's so much stress. And I feel I'm studying here more than SG. Wanna guess why? Cos the teacher's can't teach. It's like if you don't self study you're not gonna do well. It's such lousy planning. I'm still angry with the education system here. But I'll say that I love the way they allow you to try things that will actually benefit you're career choices and things. That is a fabulous and wonderful idea. In fact, everywhere should try to do that. But when it come to grading and stuff, seriously, teach us what we did wrong, not just never return the ws.
BTW, search on youtube for "Boy lectures teacher". It should say something like Jeff Bliss from Duncanville High School I think. He was scolding his teacher for just giving packets (which here means worksheets that consist of a few pages) and her not teaching. I have 2 teacher so far that just do that mostly. I understand his frustration. My science teacher now is so lousy that I'm just waiting for the results of the standardized test to come back right, and I hope the school will see that majority of students that attend her class are all failing. Because, she doesn't think she's doing something wrong. However, she's just treating us like we know everything that SHE is supposed to teach. I mean if some just tells you, ok we're learning about acids and bases. Then it briefly summarizes everything.Then immediately when we get the worksheets, the questions don't cover anything you mentioned. So how are we supposed to do our work? Then test things are even harder. I'm sorry but things don't work this way ok.
I have just realized I've ranted for like 1/2 an hour. I dunno. If I wanted to, I could go on for a long time. But i don't think I will. Anyway, anyone who sees this, leave a message. I'm really curious who would actually still come and see this. I'm sorry if this post brought you down but I guess I'm overall down nowadays. Imagine going to school and not verbally speak to people for like hours more or less. I do that on a daily basis. I can be like from 10:07-1:02 not have a real conversation. Maybe questions or answers. But not even one for casual talking. Nope, I'm not asking for pity. I'm just self-pitying. I wonder if it's my fault cos I'm antisocial, or because I really can't do it. I wonder. I would also like to thank God for supporting me in this lonely times.
Also to shijia, qianhui, half-buddha, my squad, my anime twitter family and my real family as well.
Till then, let's see when my next miraculous update will be.
Te Amo, te quiero,
Sherlyn
Ok it's definitely been donkey years since I've been here haha I wonder if anyone still comes. And I'm guessing if anyone does, it'll be shijia or qianhui HAHA. XD
So just saying, I have whatsapp already, if you want, uhh somehow please comtact me. XD Anyway, so yeah that's like my latest new thing.
I have a choir spring show coming up soon and I have a solo and duet hehe. :D And like there are different levels of choir lah, so like depending on how good you are you'll be put into a different choir. Then I auditioned liao and apparently I will be in the best choir. Pretty awesome considering it's my first year in choir hehehe. (Y) But still music theory from piano has helped alot.
Oh and forgot if I mentioned before, but I have perfect pitch (absolute pitch). Can go google if you dunno what it is. Hehe, it's pretty sweet.
AND THEN HOR, just yesterday I skyped Shijia, then she tell me I have bit of angmor accent liao. LIKE WHUT. I DUNWAN. But i still add my singlish slangs as usual haha cos #SINGLISHFTW.
I'm like completely FLABBERGASTED (this word is pretty cool) because I thought it never change much. But still I'm quite flexible lah, I can change like between accents quite easily. But like some particular words will be very different. Like in SG we say "gee-o-grah-fi", US is "gee-o-greh-fi" and more shun. Little words like this make big differences. Apparently when they advertisement it's like "ad-ver-ti-ss-ment" <-If you get my lousy explanation. And is like we are like "an-teee" theirs is "an-tie". Though for these words I dun really care. I guess my angmor accent still very lousy cos it's not exactly the right pronunciations. And fun fact, pronunciation is one of the most mispronounced words HAHA. (Yes being a nerd here.) I'm still a major nerd, but I feel dumb now because yall in SG learn so difficult things and I'm like being nooby here. But then again, their education system is completely different so it's hard to compare also. But currently I'm skipping a year i guess.
So I still really miss everything, but honestly, I wonder if everything's been too long or something, the hurting feeling seems to have decreased significantly. It makes me feel guilty cos it's like I'm forgetting yall or something. It makes me afraid because I dun wanna lose what we had. But then again I go on thinking about how maybe many of you have already forgotten and like dun really care anyways. But then I think about how some people might. And how if I do that, they'll get hurt. It's all so complicated. That's why I always prefer to talk face to face with someone. The human face can truly convey many messages just through expression. So I'm thinking of changing my DPs soon. But there's so much holding me back. I wonder if I'm being too clingy. I truly don't know anymore.
Honestly, I don't have as many friends as I used to have. Or rather, while amount is not important, I don't really have any truly good friends. All the relationships I have here feel so superficial and unreal. Everything seems fake. It's scary to see how fake some people can be. I can look at her being sweet and nice to some person for a second, and the next moment she starts complaining and bitching about how she doesn't like her. And at this point I just realized how proper my english has been. But then again I think I'm pretty much overthinking again. Back to topic, so yeah I think I bore people. I'm not sure why but I could bond with SG people really well. Like we'd always have things to talk about. Now that I think about it, there's barely anything to talk about here. I would make friends if I could think of something to talk to someone about without them being all looking at me and being like, "Oh... Yeah...." and then that awkward silence. I'm also too straight-laced to honestly be friends with people. It's hard for me. I've tried the talking to people thing and all I've gotten was weird looks like WOW she's talking or like why is she talking to me. I had enough. I don't know. The staring deal has become better. When I first entered the school, every day when I walked in, everyone stared. What was there to see honestly. And no, the "you're pretty lor" thing isn't gonna cut it. Everyone knows I'm not pretty and my clothes are no where near fashionable.
It's so much stress. And I feel I'm studying here more than SG. Wanna guess why? Cos the teacher's can't teach. It's like if you don't self study you're not gonna do well. It's such lousy planning. I'm still angry with the education system here. But I'll say that I love the way they allow you to try things that will actually benefit you're career choices and things. That is a fabulous and wonderful idea. In fact, everywhere should try to do that. But when it come to grading and stuff, seriously, teach us what we did wrong, not just never return the ws.
BTW, search on youtube for "Boy lectures teacher". It should say something like Jeff Bliss from Duncanville High School I think. He was scolding his teacher for just giving packets (which here means worksheets that consist of a few pages) and her not teaching. I have 2 teacher so far that just do that mostly. I understand his frustration. My science teacher now is so lousy that I'm just waiting for the results of the standardized test to come back right, and I hope the school will see that majority of students that attend her class are all failing. Because, she doesn't think she's doing something wrong. However, she's just treating us like we know everything that SHE is supposed to teach. I mean if some just tells you, ok we're learning about acids and bases. Then it briefly summarizes everything.Then immediately when we get the worksheets, the questions don't cover anything you mentioned. So how are we supposed to do our work? Then test things are even harder. I'm sorry but things don't work this way ok.
I have just realized I've ranted for like 1/2 an hour. I dunno. If I wanted to, I could go on for a long time. But i don't think I will. Anyway, anyone who sees this, leave a message. I'm really curious who would actually still come and see this. I'm sorry if this post brought you down but I guess I'm overall down nowadays. Imagine going to school and not verbally speak to people for like hours more or less. I do that on a daily basis. I can be like from 10:07-1:02 not have a real conversation. Maybe questions or answers. But not even one for casual talking. Nope, I'm not asking for pity. I'm just self-pitying. I wonder if it's my fault cos I'm antisocial, or because I really can't do it. I wonder. I would also like to thank God for supporting me in this lonely times.
Also to shijia, qianhui, half-buddha, my squad, my anime twitter family and my real family as well.
Till then, let's see when my next miraculous update will be.
Te Amo, te quiero,
Sherlyn
Thursday, October 25, 2012
FINALLY HERE
Hey.
Ok this blog is super dead because nowadays I'm very busy, super contrary to popular belief that over here no hw. My conclusion from what I've observed, apparently the start of the year will be damn hectic but everyone start to heck care and lesser things to do in the end of the year.
Over here they only have like 4 subjects and 4 electives. So like in eg, like EL, Science, Maths and History and then music, art, pe and a cca. Something like that. But here their lessons damn compact and damn lot. But it's lesser to remember. It's to know. So they can say like a whole lesson on atoms in like 2 weeks and then once that 2 weeks is over, they don't really ever mention it again. And like it's more detailed and chim-mer. HAHA. Ok, but like I hae 5 subjects which is like alot. And like cos I'm very used to SG so detailed and *le show all steps and be precise and must be correct* type of hw, I do very long. And like it seems that nowadays I even have to work harder cos I study like siao for all the tests cos like the last round, 91 and 93 were called "not as good" and like I studied my ass off. Then all the dumbass teachers and the dumbass systems keep giving me tardies (late) and 0s cos of the systems and my mom is like angry and keep saying until like it's all my fault which is pissing me off. But like yeah. *sighs (i really did in real life lol)*
Good stuff. I'm actually doing good in choir haha. Cos like I have perfect pitch so if you ask me to sing a note, 80%-90% i'll get the pitch right. And like I know sight reading so it's good. It's just that my range is not exactly very good and like my voice is not very good so those are the setbacks but it's still good lah. :D
I swear my science teacher is a angmor version of Ms Lim. She cannot teach at all. She give notes and ws all wrong one. And like when people correct her she gets angry which is like WTH. So like everyone (literally almost everyone) is failing the thing. Over here passing is 70%, then my class' average is 55%. And she blames us but I don't think it ever occured to her that she is part of the problem as well. *facepalm*
Then like the people here their morals and principles damn bad. There was like half the class said that if someone deposited money but it didn't drop in the slot (stuck there) and the security camera spoil, that they would take the money. And like if their best friend's super hot bf/gf approached them when their best friend was out of town, they would go *ahem ahem* or go out with them. Cheating basically. Which is horrible.
So now I'm like very stressed cos I'm over serious and too much and things so I'm very tired and stuff. I really hate how I cannot just be less serious and not waste so much time.
I shall stop now cos my eye is hurting for some reason. Another horrible thing: 1 page is the limit to write a compo. WHAT.
Smiles,
Sherlyn
Ok this blog is super dead because nowadays I'm very busy, super contrary to popular belief that over here no hw. My conclusion from what I've observed, apparently the start of the year will be damn hectic but everyone start to heck care and lesser things to do in the end of the year.
Over here they only have like 4 subjects and 4 electives. So like in eg, like EL, Science, Maths and History and then music, art, pe and a cca. Something like that. But here their lessons damn compact and damn lot. But it's lesser to remember. It's to know. So they can say like a whole lesson on atoms in like 2 weeks and then once that 2 weeks is over, they don't really ever mention it again. And like it's more detailed and chim-mer. HAHA. Ok, but like I hae 5 subjects which is like alot. And like cos I'm very used to SG so detailed and *le show all steps and be precise and must be correct* type of hw, I do very long. And like it seems that nowadays I even have to work harder cos I study like siao for all the tests cos like the last round, 91 and 93 were called "not as good" and like I studied my ass off. Then all the dumbass teachers and the dumbass systems keep giving me tardies (late) and 0s cos of the systems and my mom is like angry and keep saying until like it's all my fault which is pissing me off. But like yeah. *sighs (i really did in real life lol)*
Good stuff. I'm actually doing good in choir haha. Cos like I have perfect pitch so if you ask me to sing a note, 80%-90% i'll get the pitch right. And like I know sight reading so it's good. It's just that my range is not exactly very good and like my voice is not very good so those are the setbacks but it's still good lah. :D
I swear my science teacher is a angmor version of Ms Lim. She cannot teach at all. She give notes and ws all wrong one. And like when people correct her she gets angry which is like WTH. So like everyone (literally almost everyone) is failing the thing. Over here passing is 70%, then my class' average is 55%. And she blames us but I don't think it ever occured to her that she is part of the problem as well. *facepalm*
Then like the people here their morals and principles damn bad. There was like half the class said that if someone deposited money but it didn't drop in the slot (stuck there) and the security camera spoil, that they would take the money. And like if their best friend's super hot bf/gf approached them when their best friend was out of town, they would go *ahem ahem* or go out with them. Cheating basically. Which is horrible.
So now I'm like very stressed cos I'm over serious and too much and things so I'm very tired and stuff. I really hate how I cannot just be less serious and not waste so much time.
I shall stop now cos my eye is hurting for some reason. Another horrible thing: 1 page is the limit to write a compo. WHAT.
Smiles,
Sherlyn
Friday, August 24, 2012
A random memory again
A while back i typed this:
And then that time when 1B had the relief cher, then we played BBall. Then we play boy VS girl then the teacher was like, "This is the first class, that play basketball like want to kill each other. Boys, they are girls, 手下留情 a bit lah!" HAHAHA. This is very funny. Anyway, this is just a memory. Won't happen again since my parents like 3m also must take umbrella.
Bye.
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