I need to try to show some of my vent up feelings

Ok. If any of yall were up late enough, you might have seen my tweets about my dream. Well, it wasn't good. In fact, it was so bad I cried. Literally, in the dream and in reality.
And as most of you know, I really hardly ever cry. So anyone who manages to do so, I can only say bravo to you.
Ok so now, after a round of applause, may I tell you more about it.

*Note: This dream is all over the place and means no ill intention to anyone or anything. This is the work of my subconscious mind.*

Ok. It started off at my grandma's house. I don't exactly remember who was there but I'm sure a whole handful of random people I met in my life were there. Then we were just hanging around just talking, like seriously, standing around. Then it was like the living room looked 3x bigger than it really is haha. XD Ok, then suddenly, one of my squadmate flew in from a window and kept screaming that a snake was coming. Then I looked out of the window and i saw a really huge snake. Then everyone ran in the house (some were outside) and we all tried to close the window. But the window was kinda like you had to put a bamboo mat to fit nicely (not true in real life but as i said this is a very messed up version) then we failed cos we were all panicking. But we still got the snake to be outside luckily. Then one of my uncles brought a friend of his i think. And for some random reason, my grandma's house had a basement door outside her house and he remember and wanted to open it. But he was like, "Oh shit I forgot the key." And the funniest thing about this part was that he was freaking calm when he said this. Then apparently the two were eaten by the snake. But I didn't picture it. When this part ended, it suddenly skipped to the hall of RSS. But what was confusing was that firstly, it was a mixture of RSS and AHS people at the time. Then Ms Sobrielo was the one with the mike that day. Then she asked my CCA people to say a few words about winning the zone com for SJAB. (it wasn't my batch but in this case it was for some reason) So the same squadmate (i shall not mention who haha) went up with me bcas apparently there were 2 teams and stuff, shall not elaborate. Then she started off saying stuff and like how she usually speaks at times like this, she took a damn long time. So while she was speaking, I tried to formulate something I wanted to say to my team. And it's like, I think this was kinda before I left that type of feeling or something but I dunno. Then when it was finally my turn, I wanted to say what I wanted to, but bcas in this dream ms sobrielo was unusually mean (haha), she snatched the mike and said something like, "Why need 2 people? We don't have all the time in the world!" <--This was in a hushed yelling tone. Then she cut me off like that. Then it was like what I wanted to say was something like, "To my dearest team, I know that although I can't go to competition with yall, I want to at least let you know I care and that i will be there to try and help as much as i can despite all that's happening." (and somemore but i cant really remember and i dun wish to fabricate anything) Then i was sent down to the seats again. Then when i sat down I was absolutely horrified and crushed. Crushed is the best word i feel. So for some reason again, I was sitting beside Jiaying and another girl I forgot who, then I told JY that I was gonna cry, then i started bawling and blabbering like an idiot and saying stuff like, "All I wanted to do was wish them the best. I already lost all chance to go comp with them so can't I just give them my best wishes." Then as the usual RSS system, they so called call the classes to go back with an order one. So my row (my supposedly class) was first. Then for some reason one of my seniors was at the back and he hissed at me like I not very sure why he said those words but he was mocking me and he was angry. Then I screamed back at him in a very pissed voice. Then we all ended up pissed. Then on the way i cried all the way. But in this dream, no matter who stared, I cried the whole time without shame, or control. So I was crying the whole way there. Then my class was the 6 care classroom if I remembered correctly. Corner, nearest to the toilet and stairs. Then my classmates I saw was a mixture of people from p3-6. I saw Kelvin, Edmund, Zhong Lim, Ryann, QianHui and somemore but they were not exactly clear. Then we were supposed to sit down and Qianhui was sitting next to me, while i was still crying. Then I woke up. And I was a little surprised I was actually crying for real. Cos I only remember crying like crazy in the dream.

Well, all I can say is that this is the true pent up feelings in my heart. I think my feelings have an auto-lock. Like cos whenever I think of something like this, I will tear up awhile, but it seems that I can't seem to get rid of that feeling in me. It's like it's intentionally hiding inside trying to continue to make me sad. Like as I type this now, I'm really genuinely sad. I even feel like I could really cry. But nothing will flow out. Nothing. I don't know why. And I know full well this ain't some trivial matter.

I told Qianhui about this before. If I think about my life now, it is probably most of what I ever asked for. I asked for the ability to buy (almost) whatever I want, to be able to cook, to be able to have at least one social website, and more I'm sure. These came true. But as I've always said a good thing comes with a bad thing. And if this really is the case, I really can and is willing to throw this away.

You know those shows where the main character gets a few wishes and she makes them and realises that they were wrong and by some miracle she reverts her life to normal as she mends her errors? Well, I would be overjoyed if my life now was the case. But as we all know-this is a whole bunch of shit that only happens in fairytales or the fiction world.

I'm really tired. I can only say I hate everything now. I know I'm an asian. But why must everyone stare at me like I'm some big time criminal. I didn't do a shit. Ok? I'm just trying to live normally. What is the problem? Then is like somemore, ok i bhb abit, I'm smart. And this is the formula for everyone to hate me. What? Simple, a smart asian. I know well enough people don't like smart people. Especially here.

And my father is also running out of stuff to threaten me (LOL). Now he can only say, I'll send you back to Singapore. And as usual my awesomely weird brain starts to formulate a plan on how to survive. I had decided that staying at a relative's house was a no no for me unless desperate. Then I remember how alot of people were telling me I could stay at their houses. But I was like, I couldn't let them just take me in and pay everything for me. I even thought of stuff like, Oh I'll have to borrow money, I'll have to ask my teacher to put me under those schemes things and stuff. Then I also thought about going to the Anglican House cos it would be near the school and things. Then i also thought of methods of income. I was like either I work at Mos Burger (cos it was the only place where I saw that said they would hire people of 14 years old haha) or that I'll make stuff and get people to buy it and things. That was how far I've thought it through. There you have it, you've just got a preview of my plans for a very super duper IF situation.

Well, my brain and everything's pretty messed up now. And I'm super concerned about looks nowadays. Cos I'm like super fat already and it's like I'm in high school. And everyone at high school pretty much are very pretty. And somemore all of them put make up. And I have 0% of fashion sense so I'm screwed. And like them staring is lowering my self esteem even more. So my clothes are plain. But as I've known and tried before, I wear plain clothes or nice clothes all also kena stare. I know I'm ugly so please leave me alone. I'm hurt enough.

I'm very tired. My usual self is crumbling. Though you won't see it. And I'm like super insecure now. Cos I have been over-analysing everything. TBVH, everytime I talk to any of yall, I will always be like super careful of what I do cos I'm like trying to maintain this relationship we still have that is now connected by this really thin thread that will wear out very soon. That's why I always feel very insecure. Like I always over think stuff and no matter who or what I always feel like I'm boring you out. Anyone also. And I'm like super afraid that everything will be different once I come back. I'm very sure there won't be one relationship that will remain as if untouched once i return. It is the inevitable truth. And although there is nothing I can do, I can only dread. And is like I'm keeping myself awake at night mostly just so I can talk to you guys. I wake up earlier not only to please my mom, but to also talk to you guys. But as usual it's never the same and it's never enough. I'm really greedy I know, but this is one of the human traits I can't avoid. It's 1am here... haizz. And I really dunno why I'm getting so lazy. I really don't understand. I really want to understand how I feel. I want my life to go back to how it was. I really want to struggle with my studies again, I want to go CCA again and have fun though times may be hard. I want to do everything we did in school. I want to laugh with you guys again. Shit tears are really flowing already... Anyways, I shall end this post of self-pity and go to sleep. To any of you who actually read the whole post, thanks for enduring all my crap.

Have a nice day.

Update

Hi guys. Sorry for the missing posts and stuff. I ain't exactly in my tip top condition and like i'm feeling bad and unwell and stuff so my posts will be delayed. But i promise that they WILL come. It will take time though. I'm sorry. I just can't find the motivation to do ANYTHING. And I'm very lost and stuff so I'm still sorry... Anyway, I've decided I will definitely write back to the people who wrote letters to me. Thanks guys i went through the presents that day and almost cried all over again. Yup I have never ever cried this much in my whole life i'm sure. They really warmed my heart. <3
Thanks again. :)

Pictures from p1-6 :D UNGLAMS MWAHAHA

Well this is gonna be fun... Ok. I just happened to find these adorable pictures of some of us...
*evil laughs* Yes these are all p1-6 pictures at RSS. Bwahaha unglams unleashed.

Ok this one the people I recognise and remember: Feria, me, shaun, kian quan, amanda, clarence, qiming, grace, lucas. Yeah those i see and recognise.

Ok here is around the same people again. This time the extra i think is gift, pauline, claudia, jaydrien. Yup.

Here we have Felinda. :D

Zong Ming and Nicholas

Darren Lin, Andrew and Eric. Yes Darren Lin you are still a sissy. XD

I think that closest person is Zhong Lim. Then is Angela, Feria, Sonia and Luyi.

Xin Yun and Queenie. :)

Ching Yong if I'm not wrong. Han lao shi's son.

P4/8 class pic. :)

Serene and Xing Yi

Me and Xing Yi. I still remember she broke out laughing after the picture. I forgot what she found so funny haha. Tsk tsk. XD

*blows whistle* Hui Jun in a sari. Background with yu lao shi.

Just us girls from group B after the little india trip. The other group doing their questions. :P

Ms Sobrielo! :D And gaga dunno laughing at what. XD

Darren, p1 or 2 i dunno.

Amanda. ^^

Shaun Teo Yu Li. For some reason i can remember his whole name haha. XD

Darren and Shaun. I dunno why Shaun is like scrunching his face but this is a funny picture. XD

Classroom.
With Isabella, gift and Cherie. This is p2.

This one is Rui Chen in the front. Then behind is Mdm Rosita, Johann, Dylan and Isabella again.

Dylan, Isabella, Johann, Kenneth and Yao Zu.














Starting from here is all the pictures from the stamp museum.

Isabella, Teo something....and Navia. I'm so sorry I can't remember your name! >.<

Same group+Amanda

Dylan.

Kimberly and Rachel. :)

Kian Quan, Clarence and Jaydrien.

Xavier, Liang Wen, Genevieve and Gift.

Calvin, Cherie, Reyna and Amanda. :D

Yes this is Calvin getting eaten by the head. XD This mouth when close by right is give you a stamp one. We stamped on the back of our hands.

大人。

Paparazi 大人. Everyone was trying to take pictures of each other without being caught ourselves. The simplicity of children. Bliss~ :D

Reyna. So radiant hor. ^^

Cherie.

Messy class yes. :)

Same peepo again...

Liang Wen. :)

Shaun again. New person in front, Justin.

I think is Shermaine, Wei Xun (not sure) and Rachel. Rachel was trying to dodge the shot. XD

Angelaa.

Felinda. :)

Feria. ^^

Both is Kampong Glam. Unfortunately, raining. ^

Zhang Xun. :) My closest senior from art club.

 Art Club pics. :)

 This here is one of my fellow Xing Yis. :D See she so serious! HAHA. XD

Kimberly. :)















Ok I've finished spamming these unglams. :) RSS-ians! Go tell the peepo here to check their unglams out! XD

Hey...

Hi guys.
I'm sorry I wasn't able to keep the promise of writing dedications finish by July... I'm sorry but recently I really have no motivation to do anything at all. I will finish them. A matter of time... I'm sorry. :( I would say I'm hitting an all time low for my feelings. It's really rough...
Sorry.

A little thing i wrote out of inspiration

友情就像火焰，当他们在一起，就会猛烈地烧着。但他们渐渐地分开时，火焰也开始熄灭了。剩下的，只是他们彼此的烧伤，这个想起都会痛的提醒物，来怀念我们从前度过美丽的时光。