Ok. If any of yall were up late enough, you might have seen my tweets about my dream. Well, it wasn't good. In fact, it was so bad I cried. Literally, in the dream and in reality.
And as most of you know, I really hardly ever cry. So anyone who manages to do so, I can only say bravo to you.
Ok so now, after a round of applause, may I tell you more about it.
*Note: This dream is all over the place and means no ill intention to anyone or anything. This is the work of my subconscious mind.*
Ok. It started off at my grandma's house. I don't exactly remember who was there but I'm sure a whole handful of random people I met in my life were there. Then we were just hanging around just talking, like seriously, standing around. Then it was like the living room looked 3x bigger than it really is haha. XD Ok, then suddenly, one of my squadmate flew in from a window and kept screaming that a snake was coming. Then I looked out of the window and i saw a really huge snake. Then everyone ran in the house (some were outside) and we all tried to close the window. But the window was kinda like you had to put a bamboo mat to fit nicely (not true in real life but as i said this is a very messed up version) then we failed cos we were all panicking. But we still got the snake to be outside luckily. Then one of my uncles brought a friend of his i think. And for some random reason, my grandma's house had a basement door outside her house and he remember and wanted to open it. But he was like, "Oh shit I forgot the key." And the funniest thing about this part was that he was freaking calm when he said this. Then apparently the two were eaten by the snake. But I didn't picture it. When this part ended, it suddenly skipped to the hall of RSS. But what was confusing was that firstly, it was a mixture of RSS and AHS people at the time. Then Ms Sobrielo was the one with the mike that day. Then she asked my CCA people to say a few words about winning the zone com for SJAB. (it wasn't my batch but in this case it was for some reason) So the same squadmate (i shall not mention who haha) went up with me bcas apparently there were 2 teams and stuff, shall not elaborate. Then she started off saying stuff and like how she usually speaks at times like this, she took a damn long time. So while she was speaking, I tried to formulate something I wanted to say to my team. And it's like, I think this was kinda before I left that type of feeling or something but I dunno. Then when it was finally my turn, I wanted to say what I wanted to, but bcas in this dream ms sobrielo was unusually mean (haha), she snatched the mike and said something like, "Why need 2 people? We don't have all the time in the world!" <--This was in a hushed yelling tone. Then she cut me off like that. Then it was like what I wanted to say was something like, "To my dearest team, I know that although I can't go to competition with yall, I want to at least let you know I care and that i will be there to try and help as much as i can despite all that's happening." (and somemore but i cant really remember and i dun wish to fabricate anything) Then i was sent down to the seats again. Then when i sat down I was absolutely horrified and crushed. Crushed is the best word i feel. So for some reason again, I was sitting beside Jiaying and another girl I forgot who, then I told JY that I was gonna cry, then i started bawling and blabbering like an idiot and saying stuff like, "All I wanted to do was wish them the best. I already lost all chance to go comp with them so can't I just give them my best wishes." Then as the usual RSS system, they so called call the classes to go back with an order one. So my row (my supposedly class) was first. Then for some reason one of my seniors was at the back and he hissed at me like I not very sure why he said those words but he was mocking me and he was angry. Then I screamed back at him in a very pissed voice. Then we all ended up pissed. Then on the way i cried all the way. But in this dream, no matter who stared, I cried the whole time without shame, or control. So I was crying the whole way there. Then my class was the 6 care classroom if I remembered correctly. Corner, nearest to the toilet and stairs. Then my classmates I saw was a mixture of people from p3-6. I saw Kelvin, Edmund, Zhong Lim, Ryann, QianHui and somemore but they were not exactly clear. Then we were supposed to sit down and Qianhui was sitting next to me, while i was still crying. Then I woke up. And I was a little surprised I was actually crying for real. Cos I only remember crying like crazy in the dream.
Well, all I can say is that this is the true pent up feelings in my heart. I think my feelings have an auto-lock. Like cos whenever I think of something like this, I will tear up awhile, but it seems that I can't seem to get rid of that feeling in me. It's like it's intentionally hiding inside trying to continue to make me sad. Like as I type this now, I'm really genuinely sad. I even feel like I could really cry. But nothing will flow out. Nothing. I don't know why. And I know full well this ain't some trivial matter.
I told Qianhui about this before. If I think about my life now, it is probably most of what I ever asked for. I asked for the ability to buy (almost) whatever I want, to be able to cook, to be able to have at least one social website, and more I'm sure. These came true. But as I've always said a good thing comes with a bad thing. And if this really is the case, I really can and is willing to throw this away.
You know those shows where the main character gets a few wishes and she makes them and realises that they were wrong and by some miracle she reverts her life to normal as she mends her errors? Well, I would be overjoyed if my life now was the case. But as we all know-this is a whole bunch of shit that only happens in fairytales or the fiction world.
I'm really tired. I can only say I hate everything now. I know I'm an asian. But why must everyone stare at me like I'm some big time criminal. I didn't do a shit. Ok? I'm just trying to live normally. What is the problem? Then is like somemore, ok i bhb abit, I'm smart. And this is the formula for everyone to hate me. What? Simple, a smart asian. I know well enough people don't like smart people. Especially here.
And my father is also running out of stuff to threaten me (LOL). Now he can only say, I'll send you back to Singapore. And as usual my awesomely weird brain starts to formulate a plan on how to survive. I had decided that staying at a relative's house was a no no for me unless desperate. Then I remember how alot of people were telling me I could stay at their houses. But I was like, I couldn't let them just take me in and pay everything for me. I even thought of stuff like, Oh I'll have to borrow money, I'll have to ask my teacher to put me under those schemes things and stuff. Then I also thought about going to the Anglican House cos it would be near the school and things. Then i also thought of methods of income. I was like either I work at Mos Burger (cos it was the only place where I saw that said they would hire people of 14 years old haha) or that I'll make stuff and get people to buy it and things. That was how far I've thought it through. There you have it, you've just got a preview of my plans for a very super duper IF situation.
Well, my brain and everything's pretty messed up now. And I'm super concerned about looks nowadays. Cos I'm like super fat already and it's like I'm in high school. And everyone at high school pretty much are very pretty. And somemore all of them put make up. And I have 0% of fashion sense so I'm screwed. And like them staring is lowering my self esteem even more. So my clothes are plain. But as I've known and tried before, I wear plain clothes or nice clothes all also kena stare. I know I'm ugly so please leave me alone. I'm hurt enough.
I'm very tired. My usual self is crumbling. Though you won't see it. And I'm like super insecure now. Cos I have been over-analysing everything. TBVH, everytime I talk to any of yall, I will always be like super careful of what I do cos I'm like trying to maintain this relationship we still have that is now connected by this really thin thread that will wear out very soon. That's why I always feel very insecure. Like I always over think stuff and no matter who or what I always feel like I'm boring you out. Anyone also. And I'm like super afraid that everything will be different once I come back. I'm very sure there won't be one relationship that will remain as if untouched once i return. It is the inevitable truth. And although there is nothing I can do, I can only dread. And is like I'm keeping myself awake at night mostly just so I can talk to you guys. I wake up earlier not only to please my mom, but to also talk to you guys. But as usual it's never the same and it's never enough. I'm really greedy I know, but this is one of the human traits I can't avoid. It's 1am here... haizz. And I really dunno why I'm getting so lazy. I really don't understand. I really want to understand how I feel. I want my life to go back to how it was. I really want to struggle with my studies again, I want to go CCA again and have fun though times may be hard. I want to do everything we did in school. I want to laugh with you guys again. Shit tears are really flowing already... Anyways, I shall end this post of self-pity and go to sleep. To any of you who actually read the whole post, thanks for enduring all my crap.
Have a nice day.
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