It hurts when your insecurities are confirmed

It has been 3 years since I've left Singapore.

And I know very well that that's a very long and substantial time away.

I have already lost contact with many people because it's super hard to keep talking.

It really is the weird type of conversations to have. It's the kind where you are both conversing, but no actual feelings are conveyed. As I've said before, it's easy to lie with a text message. But although subtle, I can tell some people have long long interest in speaking to me. Shorter replies and messages left unanswered. Yeah, I get it. I really do. I know these are the hints. I know I should stop. 

Now, it's not like I don't have any friends here, but I really regarded many of you as my closest or even best friends. I like how shallow one side of the relationship was. Of course this is not for everyone, but for many. I am legitimately in tears now because I really appreciated and treasured what we had. I'm sure you've moved on with better people to spend time with and I'm happy for you. It's good that you've found a better time. And none of this is sarcasm.

All I can say is that, I feel no anger, but pure sadness. 

It makes me really sad that what I've always feared has finally embodied into truth. My sentimental ways are definitely not beneficial to my emotions and I really have to learn to let go. I can't expect everyone to love and remember all these moments we had. People have better things to do and remember. Their lives are more important now. They are really doing the right thing by moving on. 

I have but I guess I still have so much that I'm holding back because I really appreciated what we had. I guess what I have now isn't as good as what I did. I'm really sad half the time I'm here. Alot of things went downhill. I feel at times, now is when I feel the most insecure, the most lonely, the most outcasted and most unbelonging. 

I feel like a disgusting person. I really do. I can feel how ungrateful I am. I can also feel how greedy I am as well. Not to mention how self-pitying I'm being. However, I feel like I spend so much time in my head...just thinking about insignificant things. I find myself reminiscing about old times, thinking about some small new fun thing in the future that leads to my current friends to ask me "Wow , you've even thought about that?"

I'm sorry but my life isn't as beautiful and colourful as yours will be. I don't really have anything or anyone that special for me to spend it with. Even if I do, they are always just little to far for us to enjoy each other's company. I don't know how my life will be. I don't know if I can make some life friends. I don't know if anyone even regards me as someone they would go the length for. I don't know if anyone else would love me or if I could appreciate anyone else. I feel so unfeeling at this point. My parents always tell me that I wear a "black face" and tell me that it's very kiampa. And I'm like "I'm sorry but that's just my regular face." My friends ask me why I always listen to sad songs. Well maybe I'm just thoroughly a sad person. Maybe I find comfort in wallowing in my sorrow. I'm sick and tired of people telling me I should be happier when I find something sad everyday. I am pained by the smallest of actions. And at this point, being forgotten is super painful. Being forgotten is like fading away in the minds of people you regard as important to you. Another thing I find sad is how now I rarely find happiness in things that happen to me. Most of my happiness is either for others or a fictional character. I'm not even kidding. I feel happy when I see a character achieve something or when a character finds love because I'm pretty sure nothing like that will happen to me soon. In my real life, it is filled with disappointment and sad moments.

Also, I feel like nowadays, anything I do is a disgrace/rude remark to my parents. All my words are disregarded bcas they are irrelevant and definitely wrong. Bcas my parents are always right. Even if I had studied more in depth about a particular topic, they are always better because they are my parents. I feel very respected.

Just getting along,

Sherlyn

Never good enough

As usual, my father is criticizing me about how I'm stupid and lazy once again.

Do you know that I spend like basically 4-6 hours on homework everyday? (Estimate but still) He was like "You spend too much time eating." Well excuse me for eating fruits.

IDK like I need a break sometimes. And like my brother literally spends alot of his time playing games/watching videos. I basically never do stuff like that. I only read some manga only. And like I spend so much more of my time studying and he says I never study. That I'm always on twitter. Do you know that I'm basically not replying people on time lately? Just cos I can't afford to.

And I'm sorry I can't do better on tests. I mean I'm trying, and for the SAT I even did practice. And you know what you say? "Practicing with no results is like not practicing at all." Good, then I don't practice at all can already lor. I mean, I'm doing this because I want to get in. Not because of some other reason that I don't even know is what. I'm trying my best and I just really hope that my scores will improve. This is my last chance and I just hope to do better since I actually practiced. May God bless me and watch over me as I take the test tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Trudging along,
Sherlyn

那些年我们一起追的女孩的感想（You Are the Apple of My Eye thoughts)

那天，在晚上凌晨 2点半的时候，我看完了“那些年我们一起追的女孩”!
本来，当这部电影刚出的时候，因为有年龄的限制，我无法看这部电影。但是现在我看完之后，我觉得有点奇怪。这部电影其实只有两个比较粗俗何，不适合小孩子的部分。第一个就是他打手枪的部分，第二个就是当他在学英语的时候，他用了很多粗话。而且，整个戏里头也有许多华语的粗话。（也包括福建的粗话。）最后，其实当柯景腾跟沈佳宜的老公接吻的时候的确是有点奇怪，但是也没有夸张到哪里嘛。我读说，新加坡因为没有改掉戏里头的东西，所以把这部戏称为NC16。在中国，他们决定把很多东西改掉，让导演感到十分不满。

对我来说，我觉得这部戏不错，而且，它的故事还是跟着导演的生活来拍得！但是说到这样，如果你看完戏了，你会觉得导演满可怜的。柯腾明明已经跟沈佳宜告白了，但是沈佳宜虽然也一样喜欢柯腾，还不愿意快一点答应柯腾；沈佳宜还说什么废话：“有人说爱情就有趣的时候是当它还没开始。” 对我知道你的道理，但是怎么可能这样完全不要告诉他呢？！就是因为沈佳宜不可以好好地告诉柯腾他们其实是彼此相爱的，自己后来嫁给了另一个男人。柯腾也有些可怜。他真的尽力来跟沈佳宜保持联络但是当他们吵了架后，那个沈佳宜连一通抱歉的电话也没打来。还有，我觉得这一点非常的有趣。有了地震之后，柯腾第一个想要打电话的人就是沈佳宜。我觉得他连想都没有想到他的父母亲。
这部戏里头我最喜欢的部分就是当他们说胡家玮其实就是弯弯！真是个大惊喜。

好说到这样就到此为止了。

晚安。

Fantasy and Reality

So I know very well that I'm a hardcore manga reader. Evidently as well, I read more shoujo than shounen manga. Shoujo manga basically covers alot of romance and stuff.
No doubt, I truly enjoy watching a good romance blossom. Why? Probably because deep down I want something so beautiful to happen to me as well.
I mean, if you've read, many times, people talk about how the TV is getting more interesting while human life is getting more and more boring. It's the same in a way. Humans love the TV because it shows fantasies that cannot or rarely occur in real life. Same for manga. (Any kind)
I guess I feel sad because love is not a reality for me.
The worst thing is that I don't feel love for anyone. I suppose I love my family. I don't know how to say this well but I guess we've lived together so long that you don't feel like you love them though you do.
Yknow that one thing that says:

"The most important person is the one who appears in your mind after reading this sentence." 
or
"The person you think of first thing in the morning and the night is your most important person."

Or something like that. The thing is... No one appears in my mind even as I think about it long and hard. This makes me scared bcas it means one of the 2 things:
1) I simply have no actual feelings for people around me.
2) I'm self-centered and I feel that I'm more important, which is why I only care about myself.

Both answers aren't things I like very much at all.

But back to the original topic, I haven't been able to feel an ounce of love for anyone since I moved. I don't know if it's because everyone sucks, or no one is compatible, or whatever but I don't feel any love for anyone. That's 2 years without any kind of feelings for a single person. I don't know if this is normal, but at least last time, I'd like someone or even be interested in them.

Another problem is probably that I don't really have any guy friends either. However, when you're ugly and unsociable and painfully awkward, it's hard to even make normal friends. Idek if I deserve to complain here. I guess you would say I didn't put in any effort to socialise or find someone. I guess I'm simply waiting for a miracle that doesn't exist.

This is probably why I'm drowning myself in fantasies to make up for the unpleasant reality.

I guess I just want someone who would be with me at hard times and would take care of me and care for me. I doubt any friend I have would go this far to help me either.
I guess I just want to know that someone genuinely loves me. Not only in a family or friend sort of way. But in a romantic way. It's kinda depressing to feel that no one has ever loved you as a girl. It makes you feel lacking. I know I am but still.

All this kinda hurts but is it right to escape to fantasy?

PS: This is not for gaining attention. It's for me to express myself, thanks for understanding.

Childhood friend romance manga discussion+Hinamori stabbing rant

Herro.
So if you've seen my previous posts, they've basically been ranting or reminiscing, but I've decided to just discuss one of my favourite things... MANGA/ANIME.

So this is about genres and stuff haha.
So while I have and do read the popular shounen manga, I actually really love shoujo manga as well. The fuzzy feeling some can give you is really awesome. And out of all kinds of love, one of my favourite is the "childhood friends to lovers" love. Like honestly, I personally believe that to be successful in a relationship, you must not only be lovers, but friends as well.
It's sad to say that I don't have any friends (boys or girls actually) that have stuck with me for my whole childhood. In pri 2, we were separated to our pri 3 classes and I was the only one in 3/8. One of the sadness moments in my pri school life. :( And now that I've moved COMPLETELY away from anyone, this remains but a fantasy and fangirl material lol.
So here are a few couples who are childhood friends who progressed to become lovers:

SHOUJO

LAST GAME: Yanagi and Kujou
 

*This is one of my favourite shoujo manga EVER. It combines how the male has a love-hate relationship initially and how he protects and loves her ever since he met her. But unfortunately, this one of most dense mangas I must have ever read lol. But it's really awesome in my opinion. A must read if you like fuzzy stuff fufufu.

STARDUST WINK: Anna and Sou and Hinata


*Ahhhhh. Stardust wink is not that impressive but it's pretty nice. This is basically a love triangle between childhood friends and as usual, the 2 guys are sooooo popular at school and the girl is just the girl hahahaha. But it's pretty fun to read, though I got really mad at the teacher and the guys. =___=

KOI DANO AI DANO: Hijiri and Himeno


*Unfortunately, these 2 aren't the main characters but I did love the recent chapters that discussed this which led to THIS SCENE HERE THAT JUST MAKES ME SO HAPPY. Like the main characters are in this immensely intensely denseness that nothing is gonna happen for a long LOOOONG time and these 2's progress was so great. But this manga in general is not your typical shoujo manga and the lead is smart and there's quite a bit of plot in this manga. It can be wordy I guess. Because while typical shoujo manga takes me like 5-8 mins to read a chapter (40 pages typically), this one takes around 10+ mins. It's not a bad thing, just that it's special. :D Good change from the typical LOTS OF BIG PICS TAKING UP 5 PAGES CASUALLY. (Not raging, but it's ALWAYS the same.)

KIMI NI TODOKE: Chizuru and Ryuu


*So well they're not the main main characters, but they're pretty much main characters. (Did this sentence even make sense?) I love how Ryuu just declared in a bluntly-in-her-face way to Chizuru that he loved her. It was hard for Ryuu. T/\T Because initially, Chizuru loved his older brother and he knew. However, after like so many chapters, Chizuru began to realise that she loves Ryuu and she doesn't want him to leave. Ryuu's got it rough in this case but he's a great guy. Very mellow though hehe, while Chizuru is just very loud and excited. :) Like a little kid. Kimi ni todoke is great manga too. One of the most slice-of-life mangas ever with nice and awesome characters.

SHOUNEN





FULL METAL ALCHEMIST: Edward and Winry

*While FMA didn't really focus on romance, I always shipped Edward and Winry. I MEAN, don't they look great together. XD But also, you can tell how much they support each other, especially after the incident when they were kids. In the end, he marries her too so that's a great ending. =v=

BLEACH: Hinamori and Hitsugaya


*OH SWEET KUBO. So, the one reason why I couldn't get a better canon picture for Hitsugaya and Hinamori is because Kubo freaking kills Hinamori every time she appears honestly. I'll show pictures in the end. But anyways, another reason is cause Bleach doesn't focus on romance, so it's really just up to fans to fantasize and ship which is what I'm doing, yay. So I love how Hitsugaya really tries to protect Hinamori and Hinamori also cares for Hitsugaya but honestly it shows more on Hitsugaya's end. (Have I mentioned I really like him too?) Good news as well:  THIS MAGAZINE (an official kind) DECLARED THEIR RELATIONSHIP AS "ADMIRATION" WHICH IS LIKELY LOVE YAYYYYYYYY.

BLEACH: Rangiku and Gin


*As I mentioned above, a canon picture was hard to find for 2 reasons. 1) Gin and Rangiku were apart and enemies for most of the series, so a canon picture was hard to find. 2)Bleach is weak in romance. ( =.=) Well so technically, again, the guy is the protector but Gin is basically the best of them all. Why? Gin basically disguised himself as the bad guy for half his life and ended up dying because he wanted to solve things...

He was smart. He knew Aizen was freaking evil, so he wanted to protect Rangiku by being a spy. When Gin died, he broke my heart. This just means that Rangiku's love is official never gonna happen. *cue glass break sound effects*

Ok and now I present the "Hinamori: I almost died (again)" collection:



1) Gin almost kills her (I wonder if he would have done it) when she is grief-stricken after being tricked into thinking that Hitsugaya killed Aizen. She is unconscious after Hitsugaya hits her and Gin tries to stab her, but Rangiku protects Hinamori. She then spends many chapters and episodes unconscious.



2) Aizen actually stabs her when she finds him. Then Hitsugaya arrives to see her already stabbed and unfortunately, Hitsugaya is defeated there as well.



3) OK NOW SHE IS BEING STABBED BY HITSUGAYA. MOST RAGE MOMENT. I WAS HOPPING MAD AND LIKE HEARTBROKEN WHEN THIS CAME OUT. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. Aizen used Kyouka Suigetsu to trick Hitsugaya into thinking he had stabbed Aizen. However, he used Hinamori. And you know what? When she was stabbed, she practically had every bone in her body broken from fighting Ayon. And she had not received treatment. Hitsugaya basically raged and broke down when he did this and the captains fighting Aizen were instantly down.

OK LEMME JUST SAY THIS. HINAMORI IS ALIVE NOW EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS GRAVELY INJURED. BUT I HAVE A FEELING SOMETHING LIKE THIS MAY HAPPEN AGAIN AND I WILL BE VERY UPSET. PLEASE KUBO. JUST SHOW HER WINNING A FIGHT FOR ONCE. CAN HITSUGAYA ACTUALLY SUCCEED IN PROTECTING HER? PLEASEEEEE?????

Rant over. OK, well other than my rant, these mangas are great and I hope that if you came looking for recommendations, you like them too!
Finally,



On this SDFHWOFHAOFIHBOI rage kind of note, byeeee.

Trouble is brewing

So today marked the day that my AP results would be released.
In great news, I passed both and got a 3/5 for English and a 5/5 for Chinese. Of course, the english was super hard and chinese was super easy so I sorta expected this. But I was just happy I passed both and they were both valid.
The first thing my parents said after hearing this was "Oh your english is worse than your chinese." which is statistically correct, but factually inaccurate. The exams are on such a different level and it would be most inappropriate to compare them at all. So, my father declared, "So since you've already taken your AP chinese exam, you can stop using chinese forever." Then silence ensued. This had long been a topic in our family. He insists that speaking bilingually will affect both languages as you speak, which is why he absolutely condemns singlish, even though he speaks it himself. Singlish is the essence of singapore. It is a way of life and while I understand why it's bad, it's definitely part of our culture. My father always criticizes Singapore for many things, including how Singapore has no culture, is so uptight and how the government takes so much money. I understand all these concerns but it's not ok to be hypocritical about it.
Furthermore, when he says that my english is bad, it's only when I'm at home, speaking to my family in an informal manner. I mean, after living in America for 2 years, my english is definitely no longer broken as singaporean english would be. It seems that I'm a mirror to my father. He gets angry about his own incompetence in the language and then berates me for it even though I don't have a problem with it. I don't know about him but I can be very flexible. I naturally switch between my singapore and american accent and when I mix my languages, I do it fluently too. I don't know what the deal is but apparently my father has been having trouble conversing with his co-workers and he thus blames his failure on me. I'm not him but he scolds me like I'm doing the exact same thing as him. And the worst part of all this? I'm the only one receiving all this reprimanding. My brother, who stupidly used chinese for the whole day even though that's what we were quarreling about, did not receive even a single scolding. Likewise for my mother.
Usually when something like this happened, I would lose my cool and start arguing and being absolutely downcast which would then make me receive another round of scolding for having a "black face". However, I was unusually calm and collected today. I did not even talk back; in fact, my brother and my mother actually argued for me. Alas, even though it was their mouths that opened, I received all the abuse. My father in his fit of anger, went out for almost the whole day and returned with the same frown upon his face as he spoke nary a word. And after we came back from dinner, he began the same threaten I've been receiving for a long time: "Since you like your chinese so much, you can just go back to singapore! See whether you die anot." The only difference about this time is that he has claimed that he has already booked air tickets and he even sent me a link about transfering back. While it may seem like nothing to the reader, it seems quite serious. But whatever it is, this just adds to my stress.
Let's say that I really am forced to go back. I am in the middle of nowhere in my education. Since US's and SG's educations do not correspond, I am left to hands of all those placement tests. And honestly, I think we all know that I am so screwed if I take one of those placement tests. The difference in standards in the educations are phenomenal and I am bound to plummet from a former above average student to a failing student who knows less than half the material being covered. I will fail because of the difference. The worse part is that I think that even hard work will make it hard to recover the lost time and lost knowledge that I had not gained. I've always been a good school and striving for the best but if I come back I'm screwed. Another thing is that if I had finished at least high school, I could try to apply for a singapore university but since I wouldn't be if I were to return now, I would have to go to JC and I would be in a really bad school. Or worse, I may have to go back to secondary school. (Very likely indeed)
I already have to worry a ton for my university entrance stuff in America and if I have to deal with this, I will definitely break. All this moving here and there and everything will and has messed with my life to much already. I've had enough.

The Girl's Confusion

The girl did not understand people.
The girl was absolutely confused after going to a new place.
Words were found to be completely empty.
Lies were small talk and expected from you. Anything other than the expected and favoured lie would be reciprocated with a rather negative reaction.

The girl did not understand people.
The girl was absolutely confused after going to a new place.
Hypocrisy was the norm.
People say many empty things:
A girl without make-up is the prettiest girl.
Yet you always see that the girls who put on makeup are more likely to find a boyfriend.
Only friends that insult you with swear words are your best friends.
Yet one too many times has it been heard that they were seriously insulting each other.
"You did so good!"
Yet what they actually think in their minds are completely different.

The girl was particularly upset with the question, "How are you?"
It is the most empty greeting you can give someone.
The girl never understood why people asked that question, especially since most people who ask that are unconcerned with the other individual's life in the first place.
Even more impressively, the girl once experienced a time where when she replied she was having a bad day, the person who asked her the question just said, "Oh, good! I'm glad to hear you're alright."
The girl struggles to accept this fact.
The girl struggles to understand.
However, the girl has no choice but to conform to this. For she lives in an area where this is the norm.

The girl is upset.
The girl wonders why she cannot make friends as easily.
The girl watches as her friends left and right are all treated nicer then she is when she talks to others.

The girl is fat.
The girl is undesirable.
The girl is scary.
The girl is blunt.
The girl is unpopular.
The girl is ugly.
The girl is not funny.
The girl is intimidating.

The girl longs to be slimmer.
The girl longs to be desired.
The girl longs to be less scary.
The girl longs to be more delicate.
The girl longs to be popular. (Or at least liked by close friends, which seems far)
The girl longs to be pretty.
The girl longs to be funny.
The girl longs to be more approachable.

The girl has tried in some of these aspects but to no avail.
The girl is quickly losing hope.
Recently, the girl has realised that often, hard work/effort does not promise success.
The girl has recently realised that her goals or wishes are harder and harder to obtain.

This girl thus remains demoralized, fearful, exasperated, anguished, anxious, frustrated and saddened.

Bucket of negative feelings

Imagine being offered a task, and by working hard you would be rewarded with $1000. However, out of your group of 26, only 24 could receive the reward. It depended on your skill, your attendance and how you worked as a group. You had been working meticulously, attending every meeting, working on your own time, helping others, even sacrificing other commitments in order to meet expectations. Finally, judgement day arrives and despite working extremely hard, you realize that you have been chosen as the 2 who don't receive the prize. You are told by your boss, "It's not your ability that's the issue. It's just that with half the people in your section that are seniors and are likely to leave and miss this experience, yeah, I had to choose you." (And yes, he left it hanging somewhat, unwillingly to reveal the ugly truth.)

Yes this happened today. But what this was, was being cut from performing for a competition on one of the songs. As one who tries her best to be socially correct, I shake it off with a laugh and exit the room coolly, not making a big fuss, quickly accepting this fate I had been assigned. Afterwards, though, came the contemplation. My mind was like ground zero after a hurricane had furiously destroyed all existing thoughts. What could have possibly resulted in my removal from the choir? My mind was in ruins because I was not used to this. I was decided as the worst choice and removed. Other than softball (because I am less athletically inclined), I have rarely ever been eliminated or picked as the last resort or selected as the worst. So I narrowed down the reasons. Perhaps I had bad vowels? Perhaps I had bad technique? Perhaps I had bad breath support? Perhaps I was so quiet that it didn't matter if I was there or not? I didn't know the answer. To me, I've never seen myself as amazing in anything. I have never been the top for anything so I wouldn't consider myself good at all. Perfection would be the goal. I blame this perfectionist attitude I have as a result of influence from my parents, for I have never received much praise from them at all because I have never been the best. Then after looking fault in myself, I began looking fault in others. Personally, I was maddened because I was sure I had put in so much more effort in practising than many of the others in my section. Furthermore, some of them had even complained to me and skipped practices, or simply take any small excuse as a reason for skipping practice. On the other hand, I have skipped softball practices everyday in order to come to practices. But as the situation reveals, I doubt any of the sacrifice I've made actually paid off. I didn't need to be there. It's not like I was unable to sing the songs right. I had it memorized and everything. The other reason which infuriated me was that some people, when asked to sing alone (which tested their individual memory/skills) for their own part, actually forgot the lyrics and disappeared in the middle of song, due to their incompetence. I hadn't forgotten any lyrics. (And anyway, the individual performance probably didn't influence his decisions for this removal) I did fairly well. But no, I'm the one who gets cut.

Other than me, there are 6 spots for people to fill as alternates, which would be the euphemistic way of "You have not met expectations in a certain way, so you're not needed." A girl had been taken out of 2 songs due to her bad attendance while the 2 other boys, as I have observed, were weaker singers. This just narrows down the possibilities of why I was cut to one reason: I was lousy and my skill wasn't enough. No matter how he may try to sugar-coat it and claim that he may have randomly picked me, I'm sure I wasn't good enough, and that just brings me down. I can say firmly that I have been working hard in terms of training my voice and things, but no matter how hard I try, nothing seems to be working. It's the same for softball as well. I feel like I would never be great.

For me, it really honestly does not concern how hard I work. Because I always work extremely hard, and I even have confirmation from teachers and others.

I've come to conclude that a new saying that can be added to my list of hated motivation quotes people say would be: "Hard work (or the process) is more important than the result." This quote is basically crap. No one cares how hard you work, they want you to work fast, smart and produce excellent results. Even if you fall a thousand times in practice and get up to work again before going on the field to play a game and you unfortunately allow 3 runners to home-run, no one is going to tell you that it was fine because you worked hard. If you go out to work one day and you lose a whole project, your boss isn't going to tell you that everything's fine because you had worked exceptionally hard. No one, is going to tell you that in fact.

I'm so done. I skipped homework to write this and I would definitely continue to rant for hours but the sleep pangs have begun to hit and I need to sleep.

And again, I bet this year's birthday is gonna be plain and boring because no one bothers to remember.

Other than my petty complains, I hope that you the reader are having a good time. And if it sounded formal, it was supposed to haha  I was trying to write this like a super ap english kind of recount.

Anyways,
Good night and I hope your life is going better
Sherlyn