Fantasy and Reality

So I know very well that I'm a hardcore manga reader. Evidently as well, I read more shoujo than shounen manga. Shoujo manga basically covers alot of romance and stuff.
No doubt, I truly enjoy watching a good romance blossom. Why? Probably because deep down I want something so beautiful to happen to me as well.
I mean, if you've read, many times, people talk about how the TV is getting more interesting while human life is getting more and more boring. It's the same in a way. Humans love the TV because it shows fantasies that cannot or rarely occur in real life. Same for manga. (Any kind)
I guess I feel sad because love is not a reality for me.
The worst thing is that I don't feel love for anyone. I suppose I love my family. I don't know how to say this well but I guess we've lived together so long that you don't feel like you love them though you do.
Yknow that one thing that says:

"The most important person is the one who appears in your mind after reading this sentence." 
or
"The person you think of first thing in the morning and the night is your most important person."

Or something like that. The thing is... No one appears in my mind even as I think about it long and hard. This makes me scared bcas it means one of the 2 things:
1) I simply have no actual feelings for people around me.
2) I'm self-centered and I feel that I'm more important, which is why I only care about myself.

Both answers aren't things I like very much at all.

But back to the original topic, I haven't been able to feel an ounce of love for anyone since I moved. I don't know if it's because everyone sucks, or no one is compatible, or whatever but I don't feel any love for anyone. That's 2 years without any kind of feelings for a single person. I don't know if this is normal, but at least last time, I'd like someone or even be interested in them.

Another problem is probably that I don't really have any guy friends either. However, when you're ugly and unsociable and painfully awkward, it's hard to even make normal friends. Idek if I deserve to complain here. I guess you would say I didn't put in any effort to socialise or find someone. I guess I'm simply waiting for a miracle that doesn't exist.

This is probably why I'm drowning myself in fantasies to make up for the unpleasant reality.

I guess I just want someone who would be with me at hard times and would take care of me and care for me. I doubt any friend I have would go this far to help me either.
I guess I just want to know that someone genuinely loves me. Not only in a family or friend sort of way. But in a romantic way. It's kinda depressing to feel that no one has ever loved you as a girl. It makes you feel lacking. I know I am but still.

All this kinda hurts but is it right to escape to fantasy?

PS: This is not for gaining attention. It's for me to express myself, thanks for understanding.

Childhood friend romance manga discussion+Hinamori stabbing rant

Herro.
So if you've seen my previous posts, they've basically been ranting or reminiscing, but I've decided to just discuss one of my favourite things... MANGA/ANIME.

So this is about genres and stuff haha.
So while I have and do read the popular shounen manga, I actually really love shoujo manga as well. The fuzzy feeling some can give you is really awesome. And out of all kinds of love, one of my favourite is the "childhood friends to lovers" love. Like honestly, I personally believe that to be successful in a relationship, you must not only be lovers, but friends as well.
It's sad to say that I don't have any friends (boys or girls actually) that have stuck with me for my whole childhood. In pri 2, we were separated to our pri 3 classes and I was the only one in 3/8. One of the sadness moments in my pri school life. :( And now that I've moved COMPLETELY away from anyone, this remains but a fantasy and fangirl material lol.
So here are a few couples who are childhood friends who progressed to become lovers:

SHOUJO

LAST GAME: Yanagi and Kujou
 

*This is one of my favourite shoujo manga EVER. It combines how the male has a love-hate relationship initially and how he protects and loves her ever since he met her. But unfortunately, this one of most dense mangas I must have ever read lol. But it's really awesome in my opinion. A must read if you like fuzzy stuff fufufu.

STARDUST WINK: Anna and Sou and Hinata


*Ahhhhh. Stardust wink is not that impressive but it's pretty nice. This is basically a love triangle between childhood friends and as usual, the 2 guys are sooooo popular at school and the girl is just the girl hahahaha. But it's pretty fun to read, though I got really mad at the teacher and the guys. =___=

KOI DANO AI DANO: Hijiri and Himeno


*Unfortunately, these 2 aren't the main characters but I did love the recent chapters that discussed this which led to THIS SCENE HERE THAT JUST MAKES ME SO HAPPY. Like the main characters are in this immensely intensely denseness that nothing is gonna happen for a long LOOOONG time and these 2's progress was so great. But this manga in general is not your typical shoujo manga and the lead is smart and there's quite a bit of plot in this manga. It can be wordy I guess. Because while typical shoujo manga takes me like 5-8 mins to read a chapter (40 pages typically), this one takes around 10+ mins. It's not a bad thing, just that it's special. :D Good change from the typical LOTS OF BIG PICS TAKING UP 5 PAGES CASUALLY. (Not raging, but it's ALWAYS the same.)

KIMI NI TODOKE: Chizuru and Ryuu


*So well they're not the main main characters, but they're pretty much main characters. (Did this sentence even make sense?) I love how Ryuu just declared in a bluntly-in-her-face way to Chizuru that he loved her. It was hard for Ryuu. T/\T Because initially, Chizuru loved his older brother and he knew. However, after like so many chapters, Chizuru began to realise that she loves Ryuu and she doesn't want him to leave. Ryuu's got it rough in this case but he's a great guy. Very mellow though hehe, while Chizuru is just very loud and excited. :) Like a little kid. Kimi ni todoke is great manga too. One of the most slice-of-life mangas ever with nice and awesome characters.

SHOUNEN





FULL METAL ALCHEMIST: Edward and Winry

*While FMA didn't really focus on romance, I always shipped Edward and Winry. I MEAN, don't they look great together. XD But also, you can tell how much they support each other, especially after the incident when they were kids. In the end, he marries her too so that's a great ending. =v=

BLEACH: Hinamori and Hitsugaya


*OH SWEET KUBO. So, the one reason why I couldn't get a better canon picture for Hitsugaya and Hinamori is because Kubo freaking kills Hinamori every time she appears honestly. I'll show pictures in the end. But anyways, another reason is cause Bleach doesn't focus on romance, so it's really just up to fans to fantasize and ship which is what I'm doing, yay. So I love how Hitsugaya really tries to protect Hinamori and Hinamori also cares for Hitsugaya but honestly it shows more on Hitsugaya's end. (Have I mentioned I really like him too?) Good news as well:  THIS MAGAZINE (an official kind) DECLARED THEIR RELATIONSHIP AS "ADMIRATION" WHICH IS LIKELY LOVE YAYYYYYYYY.

BLEACH: Rangiku and Gin


*As I mentioned above, a canon picture was hard to find for 2 reasons. 1) Gin and Rangiku were apart and enemies for most of the series, so a canon picture was hard to find. 2)Bleach is weak in romance. ( =.=) Well so technically, again, the guy is the protector but Gin is basically the best of them all. Why? Gin basically disguised himself as the bad guy for half his life and ended up dying because he wanted to solve things...

He was smart. He knew Aizen was freaking evil, so he wanted to protect Rangiku by being a spy. When Gin died, he broke my heart. This just means that Rangiku's love is official never gonna happen. *cue glass break sound effects*

Ok and now I present the "Hinamori: I almost died (again)" collection:



1) Gin almost kills her (I wonder if he would have done it) when she is grief-stricken after being tricked into thinking that Hitsugaya killed Aizen. She is unconscious after Hitsugaya hits her and Gin tries to stab her, but Rangiku protects Hinamori. She then spends many chapters and episodes unconscious.



2) Aizen actually stabs her when she finds him. Then Hitsugaya arrives to see her already stabbed and unfortunately, Hitsugaya is defeated there as well.



3) OK NOW SHE IS BEING STABBED BY HITSUGAYA. MOST RAGE MOMENT. I WAS HOPPING MAD AND LIKE HEARTBROKEN WHEN THIS CAME OUT. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. Aizen used Kyouka Suigetsu to trick Hitsugaya into thinking he had stabbed Aizen. However, he used Hinamori. And you know what? When she was stabbed, she practically had every bone in her body broken from fighting Ayon. And she had not received treatment. Hitsugaya basically raged and broke down when he did this and the captains fighting Aizen were instantly down.

OK LEMME JUST SAY THIS. HINAMORI IS ALIVE NOW EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS GRAVELY INJURED. BUT I HAVE A FEELING SOMETHING LIKE THIS MAY HAPPEN AGAIN AND I WILL BE VERY UPSET. PLEASE KUBO. JUST SHOW HER WINNING A FIGHT FOR ONCE. CAN HITSUGAYA ACTUALLY SUCCEED IN PROTECTING HER? PLEASEEEEE?????

Rant over. OK, well other than my rant, these mangas are great and I hope that if you came looking for recommendations, you like them too!
Finally,



On this SDFHWOFHAOFIHBOI rage kind of note, byeeee.

Trouble is brewing

So today marked the day that my AP results would be released.
In great news, I passed both and got a 3/5 for English and a 5/5 for Chinese. Of course, the english was super hard and chinese was super easy so I sorta expected this. But I was just happy I passed both and they were both valid.
The first thing my parents said after hearing this was "Oh your english is worse than your chinese." which is statistically correct, but factually inaccurate. The exams are on such a different level and it would be most inappropriate to compare them at all. So, my father declared, "So since you've already taken your AP chinese exam, you can stop using chinese forever." Then silence ensued. This had long been a topic in our family. He insists that speaking bilingually will affect both languages as you speak, which is why he absolutely condemns singlish, even though he speaks it himself. Singlish is the essence of singapore. It is a way of life and while I understand why it's bad, it's definitely part of our culture. My father always criticizes Singapore for many things, including how Singapore has no culture, is so uptight and how the government takes so much money. I understand all these concerns but it's not ok to be hypocritical about it.
Furthermore, when he says that my english is bad, it's only when I'm at home, speaking to my family in an informal manner. I mean, after living in America for 2 years, my english is definitely no longer broken as singaporean english would be. It seems that I'm a mirror to my father. He gets angry about his own incompetence in the language and then berates me for it even though I don't have a problem with it. I don't know about him but I can be very flexible. I naturally switch between my singapore and american accent and when I mix my languages, I do it fluently too. I don't know what the deal is but apparently my father has been having trouble conversing with his co-workers and he thus blames his failure on me. I'm not him but he scolds me like I'm doing the exact same thing as him. And the worst part of all this? I'm the only one receiving all this reprimanding. My brother, who stupidly used chinese for the whole day even though that's what we were quarreling about, did not receive even a single scolding. Likewise for my mother.
Usually when something like this happened, I would lose my cool and start arguing and being absolutely downcast which would then make me receive another round of scolding for having a "black face". However, I was unusually calm and collected today. I did not even talk back; in fact, my brother and my mother actually argued for me. Alas, even though it was their mouths that opened, I received all the abuse. My father in his fit of anger, went out for almost the whole day and returned with the same frown upon his face as he spoke nary a word. And after we came back from dinner, he began the same threaten I've been receiving for a long time: "Since you like your chinese so much, you can just go back to singapore! See whether you die anot." The only difference about this time is that he has claimed that he has already booked air tickets and he even sent me a link about transfering back. While it may seem like nothing to the reader, it seems quite serious. But whatever it is, this just adds to my stress.
Let's say that I really am forced to go back. I am in the middle of nowhere in my education. Since US's and SG's educations do not correspond, I am left to hands of all those placement tests. And honestly, I think we all know that I am so screwed if I take one of those placement tests. The difference in standards in the educations are phenomenal and I am bound to plummet from a former above average student to a failing student who knows less than half the material being covered. I will fail because of the difference. The worse part is that I think that even hard work will make it hard to recover the lost time and lost knowledge that I had not gained. I've always been a good school and striving for the best but if I come back I'm screwed. Another thing is that if I had finished at least high school, I could try to apply for a singapore university but since I wouldn't be if I were to return now, I would have to go to JC and I would be in a really bad school. Or worse, I may have to go back to secondary school. (Very likely indeed)
I already have to worry a ton for my university entrance stuff in America and if I have to deal with this, I will definitely break. All this moving here and there and everything will and has messed with my life to much already. I've had enough.