Hi guys. Well dun mean to spoil the mood but I'm in the mood for emo stuff now so let's get emo ppl! Haha... Anyway...
First and foremost, thank you to all the people who have been sad about my leaving and for those who posted about it on their blogs as well. I appreciated the messages. :)
Well, to the majority, I would like to say something similar to the overall.
Well guys, I know losing a friends is hard. But you must also remember that I somehow got it much much worse. I lost every single one of you. I lost my relatives. I lost the place where I lived my childhood. I lost the year I was looking foward to so much. I lost all my classes. I lost my school. I lost my CCA. I lost almost everything. Yes I know it is not as serious as like everyone died or something but the impact was still as painful and hard. I've been having a hard time adapting to life here. I don't like it here. I know many of you would've come up to me and say that it is good and lucky of me to go overseas. But I don't like it at all.
I have always felt that I lacked everything that you guys usually had but had anything you guys didn't in a way. I didn't have any social network websites while you guys had it all. But I had more games than many of you. I had a chance to go many countries, my childhood was bland compared to yours. I guess it's what they call give and take. I would thankfully give it all away. I usually have a cheerful and happy diposition in school cos I have you guys to talk to and stuff and my mind is away from things like that. But only the close people understand what I truly go through. As some might remember, my only communication in the past was msn. Then one day my father deleted it away. I was so sad and angry that the next day when I went to school, I cried. I broke down. (PS koko i will never forget how you comforted me together with qianhui, zhangnian, gerilynn and isabel.) Most of yall would've just went and curse and swear and find another way to do something about it. Or something...
In primary school, when people started to go shopping and playing at each other's houses and stuff right? At the start people invited me, but every single time I had to turn them down. Every time was like a stab in the heart. I was so helpless and out of options. Soon... no one ever asked me to anymore. It was the same for secondary school. Until now I still am unable to do anything. In fact I would dare say it has gotten worse now. I officially have lost all freedom.
I am really very lonely now. Because of many reasons. I don't expect or ask any of yall to make any changes in this aspect. This is expected and unevitable. I know it myself very well. I have tried to prepare myself and to try to accept it but nonetheless it is still painful. As everyone goes on with their own lives, I grow more distant to everyone. Because we all have different situations and things, we have lesser to talk about. We have lesser time for each other. We hardly have chances. Everyone will definitely be busy with their own lives. As such, we definitely grow more distant with each other as time continues to tick by. And soon, we will be unable to do anything about it. We shall be as close as acquantainces.
In school now, I hardly am able to mingle around cos I find it really hard to say anything. Everyone just craps about small talk. Even if they were saying something OTHER than small talk, it would be a topic which I have no knowledge about. They like to talk about hot guys and elves and whores and skanks. But that's just not me. I don't understand it, I don't like it. Sure you may tell me to get used to it and find people who you can actually talk to. How easy do you think that is? Furthermore, practically everyone has friends already cos it's the end of the year. Thus, now when I go to school, i practically can spend the whole half day saying nothing. From 8 plus to 12-1 plus. Not saying anything/very little. This is not an exaggeration. That's why when I reach lunch time, my voice sounds raspy cos I haven't been using it all. It is indeed convenient as you don't need to say anything, but the loneliness lingers as it continues. The people here are 'friendly' in terms of when they are strangers with you and stuff. But they won't be that close in terms of friends. Unless yall are really VERY close and stuff. They keep small-talking that it is so irritating. They keep asking me, "How's your day/weekend/week?" I'm like damn pissed. Should I just go ahead and tell you I'm having a terrible time? The answer you want is probably, "I'm fine." or something right? Then don't ask.
I know I'm being negative here but I really miss you guys like hell. That day I was like thinking of life back then then i was like when I go back, Imma gonna hug everyone, boys and girls alike. Then while thinking, I started crying. Cos I was like super sad. And now that I think about it, by the time i go back everyone is probably distant and we have nothing much to say. And if I still go back, I probably will have even lesser to say to you guys. I know this is all inevitable, but I just can't come to accept this.
Yes I know I'm not being realistic but I can dream can i? I wish the dreams would go forever..........
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